A
male
age
51-59,
*annio111
writes:I have been married for a little over a month now and very happy. Previously I had dated her for almost 2 years. We are great together although I am significantly older (I’m 41 shes 27)I recently found something out…and I am just trying to understand how to feel about it. Last Fall we got into an argument and decided to “take some space” from one another for a while. She got angry…said things like “we are though” …but it never really felt like we were done. Within 2 weeks…we were back together and have been together ever since. We were married at the end of April. Recently, she decided to chance her phone number saying something like her ex-best friend kept texting her and it was bothering her. It did not add up to me. Eventually, I got her to admit the truth. During the 2-week period that we were broken up, she managed to have sex with a 23 year old guy (lets call him “Jonny” who she had claimed was “just a friend”. The fact of the matter is…this guy had been texting her repeatedly throughout or relationship. Often in the middle of the night. She’d try to hide it. Finally she admitted that she had slept with him a few times BEFORE she and I got together…but that it was meanlingless sex, no emotion. She said she’d cut off communication with him. She never did…just hid it. So the MINUTE that we “separated” after a year + relationship she jumps in bed with him. She said she cried for days afterward and regretted it so much. But she never told me and continued to text him often after it happened…really all the way until we got married. She says still that they were never more than friends that hooked up a few times and all the texts were just “friend stuff” She really seems sincere…but I know she has covered things up before. I tried to be understanding…and said…“well, you did it because you were horny and you are attracted to him and he was there. Ok, it’s done now and you changed your number…ok…I forgive you” She said “that’s just it…I am NOT attracted to him” I said “then why did you have sex with him”She said “I don’t know” And then she said “you just have to trust me”Long story short…I said I would and she is thrilled at the way I am handling it and we are closer than ever. But deep inside…what the hell…I just don’t know what to believe. Insight?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Any chance of getting an anullment? I would be seeing a lawyer and taking the required steps because she is clearly not wife material.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Is the sex on break the real problem here, or the evidence that she cannot be trusted?
I think it's the latter.
If she will lie about the fact that one of her male friends is really a former sex partner then she will probably lie about more stuff. The point is that this was an ex lover that she was still in contact with, and she told you whatever made things smoothest for her rather than the truth about him.
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A
male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (10 June 2010):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much everyone for the replies. As far as the age difference, we have more in common than one would think. She has a young child from her prev marrage and is NOT about clubbing. Essentially we enjoy the same things. and I am in excellent shape and trust me...i can "keep up with her". THat is always a source of joking b/c if anything she is the one that has a hard time keeping up. And yes...although it stung a little at first, i have NO grudge whatsoever that she slept with another man when we were apart. This is totally a trust issue, about the dishonesty and covering up things...and the fact that she texted this guy durin our ENTIRE relationship up until a month before we married. She did come clean. and she changed her # so that he could not reach her. I do beleive her that she has decided to cut off all contact with him. the problem comes with trust. i trust her 100% when things are good with us. What scares me is what happens the first time we have another argument. and the last one was not over anything much...I guess only time will tell. i do beleive she loves me. guess i am going to just love her back and understand that there aer no guarantees in life.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Having sex with someone else on a break I think is no big deal since you two were not together, but why keep texting and keep in touch after wards. I don't understand, but anyways you are handling the right way in not blowing up, but I do feel you have your right to vent. If you feel you need more explanation of why the texting than go for it and ask her, you do have a right to know why to continue communication once you two got back together.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (10 June 2010):
 She could be sincere in what she is telling you. She may have just been angry at you and deep in her mind did it to get back at you. There could be any number of reasons. I don't think you're crazy for doing what you did and agreeing to trust her, but what happens in the future is going to show you what the truth really is.
If this guy keeps texting her and she continues to text him back, than there is something going on there. I don't mean that she's cheating on you, I just mean he obviously would have feelings for her and he doesn't respect you or your relationship with her. If she keeps texting him it means she's enabling him. She needs to eliminate all contact with him, otherwise if she gives the excuse "We've been friends for a long time..." or anything like that... than there's more going on there.
You did the right thing by not blowing this up and ruining your relationship over this, especially when she was finally honest with you. But keeping this guy around is 100% unacceptable and she can't. How would she feel if you kept in contact with a girl you had sex with both before AND during your relationship?
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male
reader, boydjohn026 +, writes (10 June 2010):
So she went out and got laid. You were separated at the time. I wouldn't worry about it. I know if it were me, I would of went out and got laid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): The guy she slept with is a lot nearer her own age, and it sounds like she's yearning for a younger man. Sorry, but she's a lot younger than you and it shows from your post and what you have written! I'll fairly much guarantee you than within a few years, she'll be off. Just the whole post seems written about a young woman who's not quite old enough to deal with a relationship with you. My partner is your age and I can guarantee you (he's relatively fit and healthy), that he would NOT have the stamina for a 27 year old. He's definitely too old for clubbing (he doesn't want to) and I know that when I was 27, clubbing was the thing. What things do you have in common?
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Insight is hard when the key info here is missing: why did you originally have the fight that lead to the split? Nonetheless, if the hardest part of this for you is the lying about the communication with the guy, I totally respect that. That would also make me wary, and it would also make me wonder how she will react when you have another fight, married or not. Many people seek old "flames" to hump right when something goes to shit in their current relationship. The thing to be aware of is why they do it - it's a defense mechanism, an emotional wipe out, an escape from dealing with the uncomfortable situation with their sig. other. That's why she doesn't know why she did it. You're a lot older than her - to me, and maybe this sounds crass, but it sounds like she has some growing up to do in terms of understanding her own emotions. She didn't cheat, so don't blow the good thing you have going with her being thrilled with your ability to deal; but I would certainly work on getting her to understand herself, and to do so in a manner that creates more trust and more interest in you. Be honest.
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A
female
reader, LottieCole  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Dear dannio111,your wife clearly felt that you would react differently to how you have. As an older man you reacted in a mature and reasonable way and she probably was not expecting this, hence why she kept it a secret so long. At the end of the day only you know how you feel, how this 'situation' has affected you. Clearly you need to tell your wife that although you forgive her you are struggling to trust her and have a few issues. My advice would be to work through them together, this hopefully will make you a stronger couple and if you are still struggling then maybe seek professional help as they can help uncover issues you havent dealt with.I wish you the best of luck, if you both want this marriage to work, build on it together.Lottie x
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