A
female
age
36-40,
*upidgirl101
writes:Hello all, please let me know if I should be concecrned here. I recently found out that my boyfriend looks at porn daily. I also found out that he subscribes to one girl's porn/webcam site so all the porn he has is just of her. I have been feeling very low about this because now it seems like he is personally interested in HER. like I would have rather known he had a variety of sites/girls to look at, than different folders on the computer of just her over and over, I guess that part is playing with my mind. Also, I am tanned skin, brunette with brown eyes and this "fantasy girl" is the polar opposite...pale skin, blonde hair, blue eyes etc which makes me feel inadequate to him, like im not his fantasy or what he truly finds attractive which is weighing heavily on my self esteem. Keep in mind I have a great figure and think I am pretty as I get approached by men alot, so this feeling of "not being sexy" is taking a bigger toll on me since ive never really felt this way before. I'm 25 btw. So I guess my questions are...1. Is his daily looking at porn too much for a healhty relationship? I just feel like daily is so much! 2. Should I be concerned that he has various pictures of one girl over and over?I know he has a subscription to her site so he pays 20 bucks a month for her pictures which I am NOT happy about. There is plenty of free porn out there!! The fact that he is spending money to see her makes me even more jealous!Also, just the fact that it is one girl makes it feel almost like he is emotionally cheating, like he really gre "attached" to this one girl 3. Should I be concerned that his fantasty girl physically looks the complete opposite of me? Do you think he prefers blondes/fair women in real life or is this girl just a fantasy? I had begun to wonder that if this is what he is attracted to, why in the world is he with me? Ive been wondering this because if so, maybe I should be with someone who appreciates my features (think salma hayek or rosario dawson versus Taylor Swift or reese witherspoon) All beautiful women, but of course I want someone who will appreciate my unique looks.Its like comparing apples to oranges, both unique, but what is his preference? I wish I knew, but maybe I have just found out :(I have been told before than I have beautiful big brown eyes, but I have been looking at my features as not as attractive lately since finding my bf's fantasy girl. I feel like im not what he finds sexy. It just hurts so much...I cant change my self, nor do I want to. I look very similar to Rosario Dawson btwAlso a few side notes: I do NOT have a problem with men or my bf watching porn once in a while, I have accepted that. In fact, I actually watch it myself once in a while and I was even thinking I would suggest watching it together so he wouldnt feel guilty (he suggested that before and I said no about a year ago, I have since realized a few things about men, and in his way, he was trying to include me in his desires instead of always doing it in secret). The issue here is that it is DAILY and to ONE girl that looks so dramatically different than me.Also, There was a point in our relationship that our frequency of sex dropped significantly and our communication levels were low (at our worst we didnt have sex for a month) and I see now that he had been turning to the porn through those low relationship times which is also hurtful. Like we didnt have sex for a month, but hes looking at girls daily and getting off. Very hurtful.This low point was over a year ago and we have since talked about it and told eachother we will never go that long, however, he still watches the porn daily.Is this normal? how much do guys watch porn while in relationships? should I be intimidated by his taste in his fantasy girl? I have been thinking about breaking up with him over this. Especially when I think that I dont want to compare myself to every good looking blonde on the street. Been thinking about finding somone else who doesnt watch porn as frequently and prefers brunettes like myself.... We have been together for 2 years and I am madly in love with him :(.any suggestions/opinions would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, samismiles  +, writes (29 January 2011):
I've been in a similar situation except my boyfriend would never have paid. I think that's what I'd most have a problem with because in its own way it is like prostition. You sound lovely so I can't imagine why he would prefer anyone else, however I would definitely talk about where you stand with him because the paying thing is something I can't get my head around. It's pretty disgusting to be honest. He's being very disrespectful by essentially cheating on you with some blonde girl, paying is something you'd expect and old pervert to do. Maybe he doesn't realise how much it hurts you. I'm sorry you're going through this it can't be easy. I've been in a 2 yr relationship and I can imagine what I'd be like if I was in your situation. Lay all the cards on the table tell him what you do and don't like about his porn habits and say what you want see if you can come to some compromise. I definitely think he ought to apologise to you though! Good Luck I hope things get sorted, don't give up on the relationship, it sounds great otherwise. You just need to ensure you're confidence doesn't get further damage.
A
female
reader, cupidgirl101 +, writes (24 January 2011):
cupidgirl101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust an update, I have scheduled a couples' counseling session for this friday (4 days) lets see if I can wait this long without going crazy. I am torn whether or not to confront him b4 then. The conseler said to wait so we can be in a nuetral envornment, but he is a very private person and I know will be embarrased and hurt that I kept it from him until then.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (24 January 2011):
 There's nothing wrong, in itself, about paying for porn, or even looking at it regularly. However when you add that it is one particular starlet only and that he seems to spend ALL his time only looking at her - that's unhealthy. Definitely unhealthy. It sounds like something beyond simply being a fan - this is borderline obsession. The fact that she looks so different from you - well that's also something to be concerned about. Such things are often just variety-seeking behavior, but combined with the other facts, might be worth worrying about.
I suggest you re-evaluate this relationship in view of this obsessive behavior. It is definitely not normal.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Yikes! Forget about comparing yourself with her. Forget about not feeling good enough. Don't even allow yourself to BEGIN to feel badly because of his little online shrine to this porn star.
I would be more concerned about the pure creepy stalker feeling I'd be getting here. This isn't about you or your shortcomings. This is about some sort of short circuit in this guy's brain. If he's this obsessed with a fantasy to the point of where he's paying to be on her site, obsessing about her every curve, and is fixated on her, then I'd get the hell away from him.
It's one thing to like a particular celebrity or whatever, but obsessing over him or her is weird unless you're a hormonal tweenybopper who has Justin Bieber or those goofy Twilight stars' posters all over your wall. People OUTGROW that stuff. Looks like your guy hasn't.
Your call on this one, but if it were my guy, I'd tell him that he's really creeping me out with the silicone obsession, because when fantasy interferes with reality, it's creepy! blech.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): jmtmj hit the nail right there. Good luck doll.
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A
female
reader, cupidgirl101 +, writes (24 January 2011):
cupidgirl101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionone more small update: I guess I was confused as to what a webcam model actually is (lol shows my porn knowledge). The girl's website is an adult website with pics and videos, but I do not think it is the webcame type that interacts with the public and does live videos.
thanks for all the other responses.
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A
female
reader, cupidgirl101 +, writes (24 January 2011):
cupidgirl101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBTW, I am the author of this post, I just wanted to add that I have to move and hour and 20 mins away do to a recent job change(we are moving in together when my job ends in May) so he is looking at the porn when I am not there... this may ease the blow a bit as its not like we are in the same household and hes looking at it daily. when we do spend the weekends together I am unsure if he accesses her site if I am out of the house for some reason etc tho, but I know it has to be less since I am physically there....
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Yeh, that ain't healthy... Sounds to me like you're fairly rational and lenient when it comes to porn so its not like you're overly insecure.
I'd almost go as far to say that you've been TOO lenient on his porn use. I wouldn't be so concerned about what this pornstar looks like- you shouldn't read too much into it or compare yourself to her because frankly you'd win out hands down in the real world. Who wants to date a pornstar anyways? Yuck.
You're gonna have to lay down the law, get him to cancel his subscription to her webcam. If he doesn't, well honestly, if he can't choose you over her then you might want to reassess whether you can have a happy future with him cos his priorities are seriously messed up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is awful. He is having a virtual, one-sided relationship with an online webcam girl. Basically.
I think you deserve much better than that. You sound like me, your looks I mean. You sound like a very pretty and nice girl, and I don't think you deserve that kind of treatment. He isn't even considerate enough to HIDE his activities.
It's time to really reconsider this relationship. I'm not a proponent of ultimatums, but you might want to propose one...either me or her..
If he does not stop his "activities" pack up your stuff and don't look back! You're much better than this! He's a lowlife, I think, for doing this to you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (24 January 2011):
 1. No, not normal for a guy who's happy and in a committed relationship with someone who provides "his needs". 2.Yes you should be concerned that he is infactuated with this particular porn star. 3.Yes you should be concerned that she looks nothing like you. and 4. Yes he will probably cheat on you with a girl who looks just like his favorite porn star. Are you strong enough to break it off with this guy? Because he is not giving you 100% and he never will. I also suspect he's addicted to porn, and will never provide you the kind of stability you deserve, as long as he's got this problem. The next time some cute guy tells you you're beautiful, why don't you make a date for coffee, and start exploring your options! You're not married and it's time for you to pull the plug on this guy.
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