A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 33yrs old. My boyfriend is 20yrs old. When we first met, he thought I was younger (I look 23) and I thought he was older. When I found out his age I told him he was too young. But he was convinced I was "The One" and he followed me all over the world trying to convince me. (I went backpacking for a year) He quit his job, he didn't care where he went even when he had no money to afford it, he never gave up. He is the kind of guy that would teach himself to cook or give massages or learn to dance to make himself a better bf. Eventually I gave in, the truth I liked him until the age thing...and he is a wonderful guy, sweetest, nicest, loves me in a way no one has ever done, good looking, kind etc...my apprehension was always the age. But I figured if a guy could through all that effort, I may well give him a chance. So we became an item. Together now for 9mths. His family, friends etc know about me - no prob to them with my age.During my travels I befriended another guy who is 36. He is a gentleman, intelligent, stable, funny, kind, similar interests etc. Nothing ever happened between us - he was just a good friend. After I left, we kept in contact and he professed to me his feelings. I told him I had a bf (I was not with my bf when I first met him, we got together afterwards) But I was not attracted to this guy physically nor had romantic feelings for him. He pointed out all my apprehensions about dating a guy who is 20 and because he thought it would never last with someone this age (like maybe I was going through a mid life crisis phase) he did not give up(my bf is aware of this....they are both fully aware of each other, I have not lied or hidden anything) and he has started winning me over a bit in terms of if perhaps he is more someone I should be with at this age.With my bf I know he is young and he can not offer me stability (until many years) If I was 19 I would not be having these thoughts but realisitcally at my age...I have been through a divorce where I have to start to build over again. And I need stability in my life...He is still growing, maturing, and financially too - he is going to be a student etc so that will be challenging. Also, maybe I may want to have kids one day. My clock is ticking. My 20yr old says we can have kids whenever I want - but how could we even afford!With the older guy, he is very stable - financially, emotionally and mentally. And we have much more in common, sense of humour, intelligence etc. But he lives in LA - he has told me to come out there and he would marry me to I could stay there. And because he lives in another country, it is not a case of "seeing how it goes" because eventually to be together we will have to get married. I have known this guy for a year now.(I can completely vouch for this guy that he is a great, a gentleman, not a player etc...he had done a huge amount of things for me purely out of kindness when I stayed there) I won't have a difficult life of struggling like with my current bf who if we go out, we have to share a can of coke cos I am too paranoid if it is too expensive to have two. (It is not about money, when I was single I had rich guys asking me out all I said no to. I am not a gold digger t all) But because of my age now I am reflecting on stability. All other women my age I know have nice homes, families, successful careers, jobs, travel etc. Should I be behaving like a woman my age? Am I behaving instead like a lovelost teenager?I love them both but in different ways. I love my bf and he loves me like no other guy - he is so dedicated and willing and passionate and determined. We have fun together and there is nothing we wont do for each other. There is great physical and emotional attraction. But I am worried about the instability going out with someone of this age and how it results on someone my age (lets face it, my sell by date is coming up close! I dont have all the time in the world) The other guy I love in the way of someone whose brain and charm and intellect I love. I enjoy his company and can spend all day laughing. He is mature and gentle and hugely supportive of me. We have so much in common and I know that he is/will be good for me...he can even give me the support I need to pursue my dreams. I would not have to work if I did not want to, but could just focus 100% on my goals if I wanted.So I guess, I don't know if it is more important to go after love and all those feelings of love, but risk instability and loosing out on a few dreams (career pursuits, finances, children) or is it more important for the person who is "right for you" who perhaps you may grow to love in that way?I am so confused. A big part of the confusion as you can guess is around my age. I tried to stop but I could not help falling for a 20yr old. If I was 20 I would choose my bf...but fact is, I am 33 and as a 33yr old woman, it would seem the choice should be with someone stable, reliable, mature like the other guy. As much opinions please! This is driving me crazy. What would other people do in this position? I need to make my mind up soon as it is not fair - both guys are amazing wonderful people.Thank you(Please no harsh criticisms or judgements on me. I have not done anything wrong or cheated etc. I have been completely honest with both guys. Just need advise)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I am 46 year old woman, my fiancee is 26,we met on a dating site. I understand the age issue with your bf, because i was faced with this and someone else who was interested in me who is in my age group..
I have never dated younger men..and tend to run away from them.You seem to be happy with your young bf. you have been together..if i were you, i would have my babies now with your young bf..its never easy..life has no guarantees.
your bf seems to taken a lot risks and hurdles..his heart is with you. i am 20 years older than my fiancee, he is the most beautiful person that i met..he is the only man i ever wanted to marry..a lifetime of trying to find true love..just listen to your heart..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I know a lot of people who claim to want what you want, marriage and kids, yet their actions won't get them there. Like dating with large age differences, inappropriate people, or long distance fantasy relationships. What you are doing is not wrong but it inevitably won't bring you long term happiness. 10 years from now, your boyfriend will probably be mentally and financially ready to settle down. What a 20 year old boy wants in a woman is very different than what a 30 year old man will be looking for. Even if you stay with him, that mental shift will be inevitable and cause you both regret and unhappiness. I think you know what I mean.Your long distance suitor doesn't sound for real, sorry. He may believe it and you may believe it but I'd be very skeptical of someone his age making you all these promises when you don't really know each other. It takes being in someone's life daily, not from a distance, to really know them. It's probably flattering but most fantasies are.If you are truly serious about finding love and having kids at your age, I would only focus on men who are in your age range and in your immediate area. If you aren't, just have fun and keep your wits about you. Focus on your current boyfriend and have fun while it lasts...no need to emotionally cheat with a man out of state who you are not physically attracted to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): The best version would be to find someone appropriate age and and who u r attracted to.But that's not the case. As far as your 20 year old goes, no one can say what will happen in a future, but the truth is that he is 13 years younger than you, and in 7 years you ll be 40 and he will be 27. Statistically unions like that don't work most of the time, because in the age of your boyfriend people tend to change rapidly until they become responsible adults especially guys.So he is still very raw material, and u can't expect him to stick around for a long time. You will get older and you will look older with time. Approaching 40 especially, women start to change fast. Him being so much younger, he will still look very young comparing to you. All these young girls around in their twenties.you get the picture...But that's a common sence talking. Again your individuals situation may be different. I know a family where there is 12 years difference. Also henwas very young 20, and she was 32. Got married, now 3 kids, very happy together. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I started to write a long message, but I decided I have only one thing to say.
Which one will you love more?
That should be your answer.
(One last thing....I would be careful about the older guy. His behavior seems like that of a very controlling, sometimes even abusive, partner. He may be kind now, but you don't REALLY know someone until you start the relationship)
You seem like a very mature and realistic woman. Follow your heart.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 This is a tough one! If you chose the older guy he will no doubt afford you with a different lifestyle and would be perhaps more suitable for your age. He is still young enough to start a family with you and probably have the means to do so. But it sounds like you're not really that attracted to him and this is what keeps you with your current 20 year old b/f. Your b/f won't be broke forever and you can never put a price on sexual chemistry. I married once for stability and believe me there were moments of complete joy because I never had to worry about anything and could buy whatever I wanted. But it didn't take long for me to grow very bored with the stable man and no matter how much he showered me with gifts and luxury our relationship grew distant because of my sexual disinterest in him. However if you are at least somewhat attracted to the older man, the love may come later. You can usually conjure up love out of nowhere but you can never create chemistry where there is none. I hope that helps you out.
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A
female
reader, bardia  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 You're asking all the right questions. This really is a decision YOU have to make. It sounds like you really have the best of both worlds. Youth has it's issues, but most of those can be overcome. Are you patient enough to wait for him to be ready to support a family? Stability & maturity have their positive draws, but like you asked can you grow to love the older guy? I'll tell you, if your clock is ticking, don't make any rash decisions, but keep thinking this out-list your pros & cons. Keep asking wise people in your life for advice. But in the end, the choice is yours. And I'll agree, this sounds like a very difficult one to make. (btw, I just got out of a relationship w/someone & currently have someone pursuing me, both 24 & I'm 37, so I understand where you're coming from on the age issue.)
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