A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've got a sort of luxury problem I suppose.I've been dating a girl for a few months now, and everything was perfect.We met up often, texted naughty things, said suggestive things over skype, even went a little further than just that.Had sex regularly, almost ever time we met up, sometimes spending hours just enjoying each other.After a while she said that sometimes she had periods(weeks to months) where her sex drive was really low to non-existent.So we started to have less and less sex, from once every 2 days to once in 2 / 3 weeks.Every suggestive remark was answered with a loud "URG" (not this shit again).We had a pretty big fight about it, I just wanted some intimacy, like some cuddling or hugs.But she avoided them because she didn't want to do anything close.A bit of background info: In her previous relationship she was abused by her boyfriend, forced into things like sex when she didn't want to and worse, just to keep him as her boyfriend. Basically every time they had sex, it hurt for her, even normal things that should be enjoyable. (with me it's finally fun for her again)And now it's been 3 months, in that time we've maybe had sex 10 times and often just "let's get it over with"-sex. Nowadays she just offers to help me out when she notices I'm turned on. But it's far from as much fun as it could be. There's a lot of sighing involved, complaining her arm hurts, talking about completely random stuff.It's as if I'm completely locked out of her "dirty mind" as we used to call it.I know this all sounds terribly... boy-like? Only wanting sex and the like.I greatly enjoy her company and having fun with her, just talking, just lying next to her.I don't want to have sex every time she comes over, I want to just spend a nice day with her.But isn't it considered normal to sometimes be able to share more intimate things like that?To talk about what we'd like to try out, ideas that excite us, and just share that part of a relationship with each other.We've talked about this a lot, there's not much more to say, it just makes her angry now if I mention this to her.I feel like I have to close down an entire part of myself, and it makes me feel bad.I just want to be happy.Can you help me?
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period, sex drive, text, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's hard, but I'll try for as long as I can without asking too much of her.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Picked this link of another post that has come in. It's relevant to your situation and explains what you are dealing with. http://bluegypsy.tripod.com/physical.html (via person123)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 February 2012):
I bet she's been abused and not only by her boyfriend. Again, there is nothing you can do if she refuses to get help. If she cannot talk, cannot get help and doesn't know how to change, you cannot stay.As you say.. already your feeling lonely, resentful and getting upset. Go before you become another abusive guy who she can have nightmares about. (Abuse can be verbal, physical, mental or just rejection)A lot of abused people cannot tell their secrets, because they just want to forget because abuse is terrible. I think your much too young to deal with this. If she keeps rejecting you, you will start to feel bad about yourself and it will damage your self-esteem, and you too will have your own personal problems for some other girl to deal with.Part of the deal in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is actually being affectionate with a guy. Right now she doesn't have the ability to do this and really shouldn't be in a relationship unless she is willing to fix things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your time and replies.
I know for a fact that she's been badly depressed for the last year with her ex.
And getting her professional help is out of the question, she won't cooperate with that. Too stubborn.
Could it be possible she just doesn't like physical contact that much?
Today she told me she had the same with her ex to start with. I'm thinking he wasn't always like that, she said as much.
But that because of putting up with this situation he indeed grew bitter and resentful.
I feel it myself now a little.
Today we sat on my bed playing on our PSP's together. I had the urge to be close to her so I grabbed her. But she somehow never really do something like that back.
When I hug her, it's me hugging and her just bearing it. She sometimes gives me kisses out of her own, but not often.
I feel like I'm the one doing all the work on that side of the relationship and that she only endures it to get it over with.
I've talked to her about it, and she tells me to stop it because it's making her feel guilty for making me feel bad. : /
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 February 2012):
No it's not just you being "boy like". Your girlfriend has been badly abused and she now hates sex and is afraid of it. It's nothing you have done wrong. In the beginning of your relationship she did sex to keep you so you wouldn't run away. But now she trusts you and knows that you love her she's not frightened your of you going away anymore. Instead now she's relaxed all her old fears and nightmares are coming back. She won't be able to fix this alone, and you can't fix it for her. She badly needs therapy help to talk about the past abuse, she needs a professional to teach her that's it's ok to enjoy herself with you. It's not good for you to stay in a sexless relationship. Eventually you will get angry and resentful. You must explain all this to her, explain that if you can't even cuddle then you might as well be brother and sister. She knows in the rational part of her brain that something is wrong, but fear isn't rational, so she pretends to herself that she doesn't have a problem.Get her into therapy if you can. If not, check on the bookshelves for anything dealing with "overcoming sexual abuse". I'm so sorry for you both.PS: You say it started with low sex drive at certain times. This can also be caused by her hormones released during her period. It could also be a sign that she is depressed and hasn't noticed yet. Talk gently to her about going to see a doctor.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 I agree with jannipeg. She mentioned steps your g/f can take. One that comes to mind would be a medical check to ensure that her hormone levels are appropriate.
She may well still be strongly affected by her past abuse. If she's willing to consider counselling, that would be a strong affirmation that she has heard your concerns and is willing to work on the relationship. But this is often a complex issue. Your continued patience and support will be essential.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, any other replies?
I don't intend to break up with her, I love her too much...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 February 2012):
 She is the one who closed down that part of herself because she had already chosen to believe that sex is associated with unpleasantness and a burden. Sex is an important part of a relationship and you don't want to feel like you are a sexual burden to her. Since you have only been dating for a few months, you can decide that this relationship should not continue until she has taken the steps to adopt a healthier attitude to sex. You have to be very sensitive because she had been hurt badly and her self esteem could be affected. You can say you have differing views of sexuality and she is free to find someone else who does not look at sex as a big deal.
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