A
female
age
36-40,
*ammye17
writes:Help, I'm overly overwhelmed with my life right know, this is the deal, I’ am 22 and I feel like I have the weight on the world on my shoulders…..1st…my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, psychofrenia, I was 13-14. Growing up I saw my mom struggle with 4 children and dealing with my dad’s illnesses. I tried going to college and I did for 4 semesters, but I could not handle going to school and working full time and the stress I had….so I dropped out, now I have 2 jobs, to help my mom, dad, and little sister (12). I sometimes feel resentful towards my 2 other siblings for leaving me with this responsibility. My older sister just left and got married to my ex best friend cousin that she only knew for 4 months, she’s always been immature and selfish. And my little brother (20) got his high school girlfriend pregnant and moved out…I don’t hate them but I feel like I have put my life to the side for my parents. I know my mom needs me, I make 3x the money she makes, not only that but she needs my moral support. I really would love to move on my own, but I don’t have the heart to do that…my little sister worries me, she’s very rebellious and she does not obey/respects my parents as she respects me. If I leave I know she will be out of control...I'm always thinking of others except me, I want to travel, have my time. Be a normal 22 year old girl….I'm very depressed at times, and I feel like sometimes my mother expects everything from me.also I have to take crap at work..I work at a law firm and its so stressful and overwhelming...sometimes I go to the bathroom and cry....and the other part time its a shit hole..my life is a mess....my credit has gone down the drain paying all bills, what man would marry someone with bad credit..its embarrassing to me. I feel so alone at times, I'm always told that I'm very attractive but I don't even feel like that, and my love life is a complete mess..I'm dating someone I shouldn't, I have no future with him, but I have fallen for him, 3 years into nothing.... I'm not complaining, I have a new car that I work hard for, I pay it myself, we live in a nice area because I don't want my little sister to grow up in a bad neighborhood, if I move my mom will be only able to afford a crappy place in a bad neighborhood, but at times its too much for me....just yesterday I was driving and I started crying without control.....is there something wrong with me?[Moderator's note: Why do you say you have no future with the man you are dating? Please update us.]
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female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (10 June 2009):
tammye17 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you all for your answers, to holikdad: my father does receive a social security check....and he has medicaid...but since he gets his illnesse fully treated with no cost to ous, the gov only passes him a check of $300 and something dollars....this check used to be more, but now that 3 out of his 4 kids are older it has come down..my dad was always the full povider, and always made money and kept ous very confortable. My dad comes from jewish/latin roots, My mother on the other hand never worked and when my father got sick she took any job, her english is not good so she took factory jobs all her life and i guess got stuck working there for years, i know she does not mean it, & i dont want to worry her. I make 3times the money she makes because i work @ a law firm and became good at what i do, plus my other time that makes it good money.....we dont over spend and only spend on neccesary things...and living in miami, fl the rent is sky high
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): I think you are entitled to create some space for your personal life, and not only family duties. You don't say why the relationship you have is doomed to failure, one reason could be that you have too little time for each other due to the difficult circumstances on your side of the family. It is your mother who should encourage you to stop neglecting yourself. On the other hand maybe you are used to being the breadwinner and thinking the others depend on you when maybe they can manage without you having to compromise so much of your time and efforts, if you could maybe reduce your contribution to a point that doesn't put so much weight on you. Maybe you can talk to your older siblings, they are old enough to be salaried and hopefully you can all collaborate to pay an amount that can go to your mother's home periodically.Working until your wear yourself out, the exhaustion and stress of two jobs can impact your health. If losing one of the two jobs could mean moving in a more simple home then this might be a good starting point. You need to change something before depression gets the best of you and money will have to be redirected to treatments. As for not preferring a simpler home, I can say that unless it's a dangerous neighbourhood, it should be OK. How many geniuses have been born in humble homes? If you operate with wisdom and give the younger sister a good education she will hopefully tend towards a good future regardless of the quality of the home. Tell your mother that you feel you are physically and mentally at a low point and start planning a list of wise steps to reduce the costs and maybe consider that move. You can continue to offer her moral support and help her with the expenses to the extent you can but tell her that you need to slow down the rhythm a bit to be sure you are sane in the next couple of years. You would surely do much better if your siblings could lend a hand so evaluate that possibility. If their spouses are understanding they might not mind if they offer a monthly instalment. It is not fair that the whole responsibility is left on your shoulders. Sooner or later you will have a breakdown if you carry on in this fashion and when this happens you will automatically be just another person to be taken care of by your mother. The other aunts and uncles have pointed you good solutions! What I will reinforce is that you should not feel guilty by wanting to have time for yourself and your friends, your couple life and so on. I am sure your mother appreciates and respects you for your taking responsibility in this indeed complicated family situation and that she will understand you. When you do try to spare more time for yourself and your private life you must do this with a clear conscience and your partner will probably have to be understanding and patient with you as you will still, I am sure, continue to worry for your family but remind yourself your power is not and cannot be infinite unfortunately. The fact you care to help shows you are a kind, responsible person, these are very beautiful traits in a person, necessarily see how you can get the others involved in the process and... start making the change that is needed dear, good luck at finding the next and right steps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. You have a lot on your hands.
I think the first thing to do is to go to your doctor. Tell them how you feel. They will be able to help and advise you. There are orginisations out there which can provide support for people in your situation, some emotional, and some practical support.
It also sounds as though everything is just swirling around in your head all together. Why not try writing every area of your life, work, family, leisure, relationship, etc, and write what isn't working in each area. Then prioritise. What is the most important thing to focus on right now, today? What small steps can you take to improve this area?
Making a list each morning, or evening, about what things need to be done can also help. It can help you to stay organised and on track of what you need to do.
It does sound like you have to work hard in your life at the moment, so I hope some of the suggestions here might help. But I still do really recommend reaching out to others for help. I think all of this is ultimately too much for you to deal with on your own. And I think you know that too, going by how you feel.
So please go to someone for help and support. Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (9 June 2009):
Make a list, it sounds like you've already done it anyway, it will help you put things into perspective. Taking care of family is a good thing, but it shouldn't idolize your time.This list should contain everything that you want to change about your life. Now tackle each problem individually, one at a time. If your father is as sick as you say then he should be able to qualify for disability and home hospice care. That would even include a check for siblings under 18 once a month.There are other programs that would help as well.Why is it that you make 3x what your mother makes? Does she only work part time, does she have no ambition, is she making you carry most of the load?Remember it's not your responsibility to take 100% care of him, that falls on your mother.
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A
female
reader, katiek  +, writes (9 June 2009):
i think you should try and save up as much money as you can and go on a nice holiday for yourself and leave all the stress behind. i know it would be hard and i have sympathy for you. you are a very kind woman and you deserve more than what your getting. try and talk to ur brother and sisters about helping out more. and see if you can help your mum find a better job.keep fighting you will be rewarded someday
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