A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I feel really stupid writing about this, but I would like to get other people's takes on this situation. My 29 year old daughter is "re-marrying" her husband of 10 years. I haven't spoken to either of them in over a year because last year I was living with them for 2 months, and they kicked me out of their home, knowing I had nowhere else to go. She had begged me to move down here and live with them (we had always had a difficult relationship, but I think we were both hoping that time had changed things). I was wrong. I STILL don't know what I did wrong, other than I kept a diary in my room, and her and her husband admitted that they had read it, and didn't trust me, or feel comfortable with me in their home and that was their reason for making me leave. I had cooked for them, cleaned, took care of their dogs, did the laundry, and was working almost full time. Yes, I did keep a diary, and yes, I wrote about her husband because he was cheating on her (yes, she knew about it too). But that diary was in MY room, they had to look to find it..and well..the night they kicked me out, they admitted that they had read the whole thing! I also was going through an extremely painful 9 year relationship and wrote all about that in my diary, expressing all of my hurt, pain and longings. It just mortified me to think someone read my most innermost personal thoughts.....it was a very dark time in my life, but I never said anything destructive, or threatening or anything of the sort..I just said that I couldn't believe my son-in-law could be such a jerk to cheat on his wife (my daughter). Ok..onto the present..my daughter has asked her father my 1st ex husband (who is on his 5th wife) to walk her down the aisle. He didn't go to her first wedding, so that's cool. I don't wish to see him, because he always hits on me, and tells the whole family that he still loves me. Not good. So of course I don't want to see him. My daughter has also asked my mom to walk down the aisle (in place of me). Whatever, ok. My daughter has been asking for me to come to the wedding. I made it clear politely (in an email), responding to my daughter's email that I come to wedding... that I wouldn't be attending. I have no desire to go.My daughter's "remarriage" is this weekend. My mother and sister have flown down from up north to help with the wedding. They keep calling me every single day because my daughter wants to see me. Its really upsetting me and getting on my nerves. My mom/sister have no car, neither do I, so for us to see each other would involve my daughter being around.Am I such a terrible person because I don't like any of this? My family has all taken my daughter's side...almost forcing me to see her. I've tried to forgive, and I just can't.The memories of how horribly her and her husband spoke to me the night they kicked me out (in the middle of the night) will not leave me. Am I wrong because I'm hurt and angry at these members of my family? My daughter and her husband talked to me like I was 5 years old that night...I can't get over the hurt. Please don't tell me to just "get over it". I'm 49 years old and I know what is "morally" right and wrong, but sometimes hurt just goes so deep that you can't just "get over it". I was forced to move out in the middle of the night, and beg my ex husband to let me stay with him because of what happened. It was a very horrible horrible time in my life, and the last person I thought would turn on me was my own daughter! Has ANYONE experienced something like this within their family? I know I have a messed up family, I have lots of friends, and my ex husband and son dearly love me..so I truly don't think this is me!
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female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (14 October 2010):
Your story has absolutely shocked me. You poor honey!
What your daughter (and her husband) did to you was absolutely horrendous.
Daughter or no, I think you need both time help to heal from such a traumatic situation. Even just hearing about this and imagining the conflicting emotions you must have suffered makes me wince. I'm so sorry that you have suffered this.
How dare she put you in such a weak and vulnerable position and in the middle of the night! How dare she snoop into your personal belongings and how dare she put you in such a situation as to have to return to an abusive ex in the middle of the night for help.
You sound so lovely, and with three people all being so callous towards you, I wonder if you'd benefit from some professional counselling. Anyone that has been through a traumatic event needs care and understanding and help to comes to terms with their situation. Even you own mum has missed the point of caring for and looking after you in this horrid situation, and cares more for the appearance of a family occasion than she does about whether you're hurting.
Eventually, you might even discuss bringing your daughter in for group counselling sessions with you too. Not because I think that she especially deserves your forgiveness, but because I think you might benefit from hearing a calm explanation of what on earth is going on in her head to treat you so cruelly.
(I can't help but hope that her husband somehow forced her into this with some sort of ultimatum whilst feeling so ashamed of his behaviour in front of his wife's mother- because I can't comprehend that any daughter could throw out their loving mother to force her to go to an abusive ex for help in the middle of the night.)
I just feel that you deserve someone's full attention to listen to you and help you come to terms with this.
(Oh, and forget the wedding- just tell her you're concerned that having to turn up with police protection for fear of a repeat of her frankly disgusting past behaviour might cause a scene.)
Seriously though, I agree with Tisha’s sad but peaceful condition, retaining the moral high ground in just maturely and calmly evading any involvement on the day. –But, I LOVE the idea of the blank journals, Tisha- genius idea!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I wondered how she could ask you to the wedding when she hadn't accounted for her inexplicable actions of invading your privacy and then throwing you out. She apparently had been forced to choose between her husband (the cheater) and you, and alas, chose the jerk. No doubt you had subconsciously indicated your disapproval of him and he found your diary and used that as ammo to get rid of you in the middle of the night.
I too would skip this wedding. Stay firm, be gentle about it, be sadly wistful, but there is no need for you to be beaten up any more by your family over this. Perhaps you could indicate to your mother and other family members that you look forward to a less public reconciliation with your daughter, but as she was the one who threw you out in the first place, it is up to her to extend the olive branch.
If you wanted to be slightly wicked about the whole thing, you could send them blank journals as a wedding present. "These are for you to write your new history together. I hope you find the peace and happiness you desire. I wish you well on your special day." Or you could just fantasize that you sent them, that might be enough. *evil grin*
The thing for you to work on is that you will have to create your own closure and your own peace with this situation. Perhaps your daughter is an abused woman, someone who is stuck with a man who controls her, and has no way out. Perhaps she cannot forgive or forget, perhaps that capability is beyond her right now. That doesn't preclude you from doing the same.
I would carefully tend the notion of you as sad yet at peace with the situation, that you have been harmed in a way that has wounded your heart, that you are trying your best to put it behind you, but alas, you are only human. Just as they are only human, therefore flawed from the get-go.
Tell anyone who disapproves of your not going to this 'ceremony' that you would very much like a reconciliation, but that it needs to be done privately, at first, and not at a big public event. Your phone is on, your door is open, you await with calm resignation and quiet hope her gesture toward you. Smile sadly and serenely and keep a firm resolve.
Good luck to you, I do hope things work out for the best.
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A
female
reader, greedy4urluv +, writes (14 October 2010):
 You are definetly not wrong for your feelings of betrayel by far, she (your daughter) should have tooken your feelings into consideration, but I feel that you should still attend their wedding even though u dissapprove and feel like its worng but she is your daughter and one day you will have the chance to make things better but I believe it will be a lot harder or will possibly never happen if you just don't go to the weeding, you can make it perfectly clear to your daughter that you disapprove and that you are hurt without making the gap between you a grand canyon
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A
female
reader, Napalm_Angelripper  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 From what I can tell, it seems like your daughter is being used as a doormat by her husband ... and she has little to no self-esteem to care about it at all, perhaps because she believes she can't get any better, or doesn't want to. However, unfortunately it is her decision what she does, and despite what you tell her or try to do, you won't be able to make the 'right' choice for her. As they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
I'm not saying that it at all justifies what they did, but I think she's just so worried of losing her husband, that she just went along with throwing you out in the middle of the night. I don't see why she would have any motive to want to throw you out, other than being ushered by her husband who obviously is knee-deep in wrong doings.
I also completely agree with you that it was wrong of them to intrude on your privacy and read your personal thoughts.
However, if you have had a turbulent relationship with your daughter in the past, it is kind of folly to expect everything to be just peachy without working on it. Time alone won't reconcile a lost/damaged relationship, for the most part. I am in a similar situation with my parents. I love them very much, but we just can't live with each other at the moment, as we are always at each other's throats if we're under the same roof for too long, for a lot of reasons, including the past. Nevertheless, I am trying to work on that relationship with my parents by keeping some distance, which I think is what you should('ve) done if you want to improve the relationship with your daughter.
Obviously she still wants to have you in her life, as she extended her hand and invited you to her wedding despite what had happened. I definitely don't think this was the best way to go about things, as I personally would've tried contacting you earlier, but perhaps you should use this as a leeway to talk to her again and try to communicate with her. I would understand if you would not want to go to the wedding, as you believe it would be hypocritical of you, but perhaps you can now start sending her e-mails or calling her, and try working out what happened that night and why, and perhaps start working on your relationship from there.
I definitely understand what you're feeling and why you're feeling that way, and no, you are not a monster for feeling this. However, if you really want this relationship to work, then you really have to go at it, and not just sit there in a passive state, hoping for things to resolve themselves. It doesn't ever work that way.
I don't believe you will be able to change your daughter's mind with regards to your husband, but that is just something you will unfortunately have to deal with until she regains her wits and does what is right for her, should she ever.
Best of luck to ya!
-The Resident Metalhead
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A
female
reader, greedy4urluv +, writes (14 October 2010):
You are definetly not wrong for your feelings of betrayel by far, she (your daughter) should have tooken your feelings into consideration, but I feel that you should still attend their wedding even though u dissapprove and feel like its worng but she is your daughter and one day you will have the chance to make things better but I believe it will be a lot harder or will possibly never happen if you just don't go to the weeding, you can make it perfectly clear to your daughter that you disapprove and that you are hurt without making the gap between you a grand canyon
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for being so kind and understanding. This situation has hurt me so deeply, and I just haven't been able to come to terms with it. My daughter has never once called me or emailed me or spoke to me since the day she threw me out. The last time I seen her I tried to thank her for everything she had done for me, and told her that I loved her, and she never said a word, was as cold as ice. Her email asking about me coming to the wedding was the 1st time she contacted me in almost 15 months. I don't like to hold grudges, I love my daughter, my heart bleeds for her knowing she is remarrying a man who could hurt her so deeply, I don't want something to happen to us and never make up, but I never got an apology, or an explanation or anything. I truly believe it was more her husband than her, but still..to just boot me out in the middle of the night?
And yes, diaries are very very personal..you say things you are feeling AT THE TIME...they truly aren't for someone else to read. So to me, that was wrong wrong wrong in every way.
I know eventually I will be able to get past this, but right now, if I were to go to their "re-wedding" I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world. I just can't do that. Sadly, my mom and sister are angry at me and now won't see me. They just don't understand, because its never happened to them. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!
Again, thank you to everyone for being so kind, sharing their thoughts and making me feel like I'm not such a monster. I can't thank you all enough. Your responses did lighten my burden. I hope in time my daughter and I can be friends again. Family is family, and sometimes family is all you have in life. When you can't trust your own family, its pretty bad.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I have a very complicated family situation so you have my sympathy! I totally understand why you would be upset - they violated your privacy and made you homeless. I think you are right not to trust your daughter. I understand the pressure you must be under from other relatives, but they weren't there when you were being chucked out...and it doesn't sound like they opened up their wallets or houses to help you out at that difficult time. You cannot control that your daughter is in a relationship with a bad man - it is her decision. However, by shutting the door on the relationship altogether then it could raise difficulties in the future. Perhaps your daughter will be in terrible distress later in life and really need a stable parent around for support. I think if your daughter wants to get in touch then she should be allowed to pick up the telephone. No dramatic reunions with her and your other relatives are needed. You should perhaps hear what she has to say, but not go to the wedding. You don't want to see your ex so that is a great excuse. There is no reason why you cannot keep your daughter at arms length, but maintain a very basic level of communication that allows you to know what is happening with her (without getting too involved). If you shut the door on the relationship completely then you might regret that in the future. It takes you to be the better person here, despite her dreadful behaviour.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 October 2010):
Has she tried to apologize to you at all? I'm just wondering what kind of communication besides one email has come from her side?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Im shocked that she imagines you would want to attend their renewal of vows. And what a waste of time anyway! Just explain to your family and your daughter, that what she did humiliated and hurt you very much. And until youve received a heartfelt apology, you wont be going anywhere! Lets face it. If what she read in your diary was that bad, she wouldnt be wanting to see you. Sorry but she sounds as if she has a mean streak. I hope you get your apology. And it doesnt matter what you wrote in your diary. It was very personal venting. They had no right to invade your privacy like that. So dont feel bad. They should!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (14 October 2010):
 she treated you like shit to be honest, i would never throw my mum out of my house. while it is good to patch up rifts after long periods of time, if you are not ready to dont force yourself.
it seems that the problem here is her remarrying a man who cheated on her and in your eyes was part of the reason why you were treated badly. you have no obligation to go.
do what you want and if people question your reasons let them. if you are still not happy with her or this man, dont go to their wedding.
it seems to me that you dont trust either of these people
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Honey, I commend you for setting boundaries, a concept the rest of your relatives can't seem to respect. Who are they to presume that because of a wedding you ought to normalize relations with your daughter? If I were in your situation I'd be telling the others to back off, meaning back off yesterday.
For now I'd suggest that you take the high road as best you can because someday you might be ready to forgive your daughter's actions from that horrible night. Have you told your daughter how her actions hurt you so that she might have the opportunity to prove to you that she can act like a respectful adult? Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): You are well within your right to be annoyed at them reading your dairy but if your daughter is asking you she may want to talk to you about that night possibly to apologise. Also if they put the cheating behind them and are re-marrying then if you don't want to loose your daughter you will have to accept that they are together and if it all goes wrong be there for her and besides any mother would regret choosing not to be there on her daughters special day.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I think it is different from person to person. Ideally we should be able to forgive and forget. But like you, I too feel that some things just go too deep. I carry grudges, things that I will never forgive, and I have swore to myself up and down that I will never forget.
Now, it is clearly unhealthy to hold grudges. But people do, and none of us are perfect. And I for one think you have every right to hold a grudge, they read your diary after all. That is one of the most insulting things anyone can do, and to top it off they used that as a resason for throwing you out?
Things that are in diaries are personal, and not meant to be read by others. Our deepest honest feelings at a certain moment do not portray what we in general feel during the day, or next day, and so if a person reads it it is all taken out of context. Diaries are not meant to be read by others for that very particular reason. They are personal. Bad things happen when diaries are read. My mother read some of my diary once, and a chapter where I lashed out at her and was very upset with her. Things I never say in person. So I know how it feels.
The fact that your daughter doesn't understand this concept at all just means.. well, she's not that great of a person. But she is still your daughter. So on that level you are forced to keep in touch.
Maybe it would help you if you differentiate between friendship and family. Im hardly friends with my father, but he is family, and so I put up with a lot I wouldn't have ever allowed from anyone else. Your daughter isn't just a random person that you have to like or dislike. She is your daughter, and that relationship alone implies so much more than simple friendly feelings.
What I mean to say is that, even if you don't like her, or are angry with her, you can still acknowledge that you are her mother, and have a bond with her on that level. That means you can meet her, but not have to be friendly, or try to even enjoy yourself. Its a duty-call. I attend so many things out of duty. This would be one of those things I would do out of duty.
But if you choose not to go, then just stay away. Arrange to meet your sister and mother at another time. Your family probably doesn't know all the details about how you got kicked out, and it is very difficult when family is forced to take sides. No matter what the rest of your family does it will harm someone, and in most cases people just do what they thing will do less damage. So try not to take it as them saying "you are in the wrong", but more of saying "we'd rather not be involved, but since we are forced to we will side with the youngest one who probably needs it more as you are strong and independant and more capable of handling yourself"? Perhaps? Just an idea.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (14 October 2010):
As a young person I understand how you feel and indeed you have every right to not go to the wedding. If your family deem you to be a monster then it just adds to the reasons why you should not go to the wedding. No one should treat their mother like how they treated you that night.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sexlessintheuk. You made me feel better. My family is just making me feel like I am a monster, and its really hurting me. Thank you for saying you understand.
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