A
male
age
41-50,
*ow2loveagain
writes:I am a married man with one child at home and my wife is currently 4 months along with our second. 2 Years ago I put myself in a situation and made poor choices that ended with me being unfaithful to her. One night with instant regret. I took the burden of my sin on my own shoulders as I didn't want to devestate her. Problem is over the last two years I have allowed this to fester into self hatred that has been seeping into my family, and my relationship with my wife. I have made it hard to love me as I haven't loved myself for some time.Just two days ago, I finally confessed. We are Christians and believe strongly in marriage. She is a strong woman and proud. I am not sure where we are headed but need advice... As the party that cheated, from a stance of trying to make this process easier for her and the hope to move on and grow from this, what things should I be doing? Give her space? Suggest counseling? Should I still be telling her I love her? etc...Please help.
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female
reader, miss taylor  +, writes (7 March 2008):
 you can't really do anything to help her forgive you only time will tell u just have to stay out of trouble do not give her any reason to accuse u of doing anything tell her you love her and how sorry you are. But unfortunatly only time will tell if she loves you enough she will forgive you it will just take time.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 March 2008):
 It's about time you confessed. Guilt can completely consume your whole sense of self. A psychiatrist explained the process to me once when we were discussing how pain persists. He said, think of it like an abscess. It begins being stored in the subconscious, then eventually starts peeking its way into the conscious mind. This is where you get the self hate. You knew it was wrong and hurtfull, and by taking on all the guilt you allowed your subconscious to replay the incident over and over and over again, each time growing bigger and bigger.
I am Christian as well. To answer your questions (1) Faith based counseling. (2) If you love her tell her you love her. Now I take it she's attempting to forgive this act? I'm going to tell you in healing and growing strong with this the single most important activity you can do. In the bible it says "forgiveness in devine." It's not only speaking on forgiving others for what they do to you. You are going to have to forgive yourself in two areas. First, the act itsself. Placing yourself in that compromising position. Second, which is the most hurtful to your family, is you growing cold, distant and self hating. You need to forgive yourself for allowing this growing negative behavior affect you and those you love.
All though you're going through this trial. Remember all the way through it, that God doesn't love you any less for your action. He's there to turn to in helping your family heal and move one. He's forgiven you long before you're deciding to come clean and ask forgiveness, and hopefully find the strength to forgive yourself.
What I want you to do also is be honest with your wife. Tell her what you've gone through mentally holding this secret for so long. Apologise for not being there as you should have been. Of course, don't do so in a sympothetic manner, because you put yourself through this. And by your actions, let her know daily how blessed you are having her and your children. Never loose sight or take for granted a blessing as pure as family.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Do you still love her? Firstly you need to be sure of that.
Counselling could work but not if you still hold bitterness towards yourself, how can she learn to forgive you if you havnt forgiven yourself.
On one hand, at least you were honest on the other is it too little too late?
I dont know the details of what you wife said and how she reacted, I can only give an account of how I would feel, that would be
A)Betrayed
B)Dissopointed
C)Confused
Now you may understand A & B however I will explain C.
I would be confused as to why you would cheat in the first place, confused as to why you didnt tell me sooner, confused as to why you chose to tell me at this time?, Confused as to why when you have had this betrayal in your mind you would even consider making another child with me, was that supposed to make your guilt easier? to make you feel better or perhaps you know with a child on the way she is less likely to leave you?
I would be confused and hurt at the fact that you have sat at the same dinner table as me, shared the same bath with me and shared my bed and intimate moments with me, knowing that you had been unfaithful, knowing you were lying, knowing that YOU were Unworthy of those special moments.
Now some people have big hearts, I hope for your sake that your wife is one of those people. I believe in forgiveness where it is due and from the way you write you do seem genuinely sorry. Personnally, I think I could forgive the act....its the timescale full of lies and guilt I couldn't forgive.
I think if anything you wife NEEDS to hear that you love her, she is pregnant and her emotions and nerves are all over the place, she needs your support, your love and affection and quite frankly to be spoilt. You need to prove that this will not happen again, that it was a moment of madness, that she, YOUR WIFE who has raised your child and kept your home is the one and ONLY person you need. Perhaps you could make plans to renew your vows - have a real fresh start, something, anything to show her you are sencere.
I wish you luck and happiness. I really hope this is a lesson learnt. Please let me know how you get on x
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