A
female
age
36-40,
*awgirl
writes:I have been dating an older guy for about 7 months now. He is 37 and I am 22 but somehow mentally, I think we meet each other in the middle at 30 lol. Things were going great between us. We love each other and have talked about marriage in the near future and starting a family together. He's a gentlemen to me and we spend every day together; I usually stay with him around 4-5 nights a week. There came a time when I started to get suspicious about a few things like him not answering the phone when I called him a few times and him calling me back 20 minutes later giving me excuses. I wanted to believe him but my womans intuition couldnt let it rest so I did a little digging (which I know you really shouldn't do). I found out that his ex girl friend that has been an ex for years now is on his cell phone plan. He also talks to her everyday. She has a daughter that isn't his but he does for her. He says that they still remain friends even though she stole hundreds of dollars from him which was the reason for their breakup. I also found out that he has multiple female friends that he talks to EVERYDAY multiple times a day. He has never mentioned these female friends to me before nor has he ever mentioned that he still talks to his ex as much as he does or the fact that she is on his cell phone plan still as an initial agreement that they had in return for her putting him on her insurance and paying for it every month. He talks to these female friends late at night as well which bothers me even more. We talked about this once and I told him that this bothered me and that he didnt have to give up his female friends, however, I had a problem with his everyday conversations with them for hours at a time at all hours of the day and night. I was really upset when I found all this out but he said that I needed to trust him that he was going to take care of it and that he didn't realize it was a big deal because there is nothing going on between himself and any of his friends. For some reason, I still didn't believe him and I checked his calls again a few weeks later only to find that his behavior continued and appeared to even worsen. We broke up for this reason about a week ago as well as a few other things that were bothering me such as the ex girlfriend and the cell phone plan, some committment issues, etc. He was fine when I told him the little things that bothered me in our relationship like how I felt that everything was always about him and never about me or us. He said that he was sorry and didn't notice that he was acting in such a way. But when I told him that it still bothered me that he ignored how I felt and continued to call these female friends, he knew that I had checked his calls and automatically blew up with anger. He went from being an understanding apologetic boyfriend to a defensive and angry stranger. I feel betrayed because he has continued to do something he told me that I needed to trust him to fix and I don't feel as if I deserve to be with someone where it is so hard to stop doing something that bothers the person you love. I know i was wrong for continuing to check his calls because now he doesn't trust me, but he was wrong as well and he continued to do wrong. We broke up a week ago and he hasn't even attempted to call. Why hasn't he called when he is still in the wrong for so many different things we talked about that was affecting our relationship? Does he just not care? I have decided that I can no longer be in this relationship where there is obviously no give and take but I am still very hurt and miss him very much and it hurts even more that he hasn't even called to say sorry for continuing to do something that I have expressed to him how I feel about multiple times. I don't know what to think. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (7 March 2009):
One clarification for the record - I mentioned "and you are unwilling to ignore that behavior" ... I think it would be unwise of you to simply ignore the behavior, on the basis of what you have told us.
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (7 March 2009):
I agree with the other advice here, so I'm gonna take a different angle on your question (as a guy of similar age to your ex).
First the women friends thing.
If his phone calls etc with him friends (male or female) are substantially intruding on your time together, that's a legitimate complaint. Simply having friends of the opposite sex or having long talks with them, especially when these friendships predate your relationship with him, is something he can reasonably expect to have, again provided they do not intrude on or interfere with your relationship. (I'm not saying you have to like it, just that it's not automatically out of bounds on his part.)
In return, it is reasonable for you to express concern about the nature of those friendships. And as you get more seriously involved, it is reasonable to expect to meet these friends and get a sense of what the relationship is like between them, with your own eyes and ears.
Similarly, it is reasonable for him to not always immediately return phone calls, but it is reasonable for you to expect an explanation if this is chronic or occurs in suspicious circumstances.
At the end of the day all this comes down to how we build trust with someone. We get to know them over time, we find out which of their behaviors trigger fears on our part, and we ask for more information. If that information is given begrudgingly or falsely, this is a sign that it will be difficult for trust to form. And without trust, you can't have a long-term healthy relationship.
So in that sense, it doesn't really matter whether he has a plan B, C, and D, or if you are being overly suspicious. You clearly don't trust him, and his reaction to this is not to give you the additional information you need to trust him, but rather to ask you ignore your feelings while hiding relevant facts.
One brief aside: as we get older, especially if we live alone, we get accustomed to being able to live life on our own terms. This is one reason why single people are less likely to form couples as they get older; they simply don't want or expect to compromise. And they are less likely to ignore warning signs for the sake of companionship.
So it is possible that he expects to have lots of female friends, to have time and space to be close to them. He may think that he will not change your negative opinion on the matter (one wisdom of age is recognizing people mostly are who they are). So perhaps he tried to see if he could find a way to keep the external relationships he is accustomed to, and you as well. And after seeing that you are not willing to accept or ignore the situation, he figures it simply will not work, and takes a breakup as being the end of the matter.
That's a possibility.
It's also possible that the type of relationship he wants with these women is something more clearly objectionable to the people on this advice board.
But ultimately what matters is that if he is unwilling to change his behavior (as it seems), and he is unwilling to try to get you to understand his behavior (whether reasonable or not), and you are unwilling to ignore that behavior, then you are not going to be able to trust him. And the relationship, whatever its other merits, is not going anywhere.
Hope that help. Best of luck whatever your decisions.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 I have read your post through. This guy sounds dodgy as hell! I totally agree with you splitting up with him over his terrible behaviour.
He is not calling you because he already had a plan B, C and probably D. If he has been in contact with all these girls that fall for his bullshit why would he even bother to contact you? You caught him out and saw through all his crap.
Yes he'll be a little angry because you went through his stuff but, my wife answers my calls and reads my messages, if he didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't make a big deal of it.
He sounds like a player and you are much better off with out him.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, lawgirl +, writes (6 March 2009):
lawgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks ladies for responding. I highly appreciate your opinions and I think you both hit it right on the head. I'm new to this site so if you know of any males on this site, I would definitely appreciate their opinions as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): He's not upset at you for betraying his trust and looking at his phone. He is upset that you are a smart lady and you caught him. If allowed to continue to have his cake and eat it too there is no telling how far he would push that boundary. You made the right decision. You don’t need such a source of insecurity.
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A
female
reader, lawgirl +, writes (5 March 2009):
lawgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks girl. I already know that this relationship is over so I'm just going through the stage of breakup where I really miss him and the fact that he hasn't even tried to contact me makes it even worse because it shows how much he cares. I don't really think that he thinks he is the one to blame and when we went through this once before, he called me two days after our confrontation so he probably thinks I should contact him this time but he was the one at fault. All he can see is the fact that I checked his calls and is so upset with that that he feels as if it is more of my fault. Oh well, I know I don't need that kind of person in my life.
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