A
female
age
36-40,
*ammye17
writes:I am 27 years old my BF is the Same Age. We have been in this relationship 3 years total and 1 year living together. So far everything is good. I have my doubts. He seems to be prolonging marriage and kids. He tells me on it's time it will come. I certainly don't want to be nagging him about it or force him to. Today he mentioned to me a conversation that he was having with his younger brother. He told him he thought our relationship is like a "companionship" not a love relationship. I know i shouldn't care about what people say especially his brother who has a troubled relationship that is a mess right now. but in a way i feel like his right. I mean we don't share a bank account. at times i feel like we are on different a different page when it comes to financial goals personal goal ect....I told him at times i felt like that. I want to have kids but be married first. He seems afraid of marriage and that binding commitment. he has committed in every way possible and he respects me but there is that missing. I believe in marriage and then hopefully a baby but he has different values, He keeps telling me that everything will come on it's time and that rushing into anything is no good . Please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): There's no right answer your question but you both have to talk about it and be clear with each other what you want in life and when.Having the conversation will not break you up as a couple. It will simply bring to the fore differences that would have broken you up in 5 or 10 years time.If you have the talk and find a happy medium then great you can personally stop stressing and he will stop feeling pressured.When you don't talk make sure you both feel free and relaxed enough to say what you really want, even if you know that's not what the other wants.After 3 years he knows all there is to know about you. You won't suddenly become more attractive or more witty or funnier over night. This is it. He's either happy to sign the doc to say you are it or else he doesn't know that you are it.What are his reasons for not wanting to get married? Some people just don't believe in it but stay together for life.
A
male
reader, dayvide  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 Yea rushing into everything isn't good but equally one doesn't have to wait forever before getting some things done.. If he is not ready for long term commitment then I'll advise you start looking for an escape because a man who doesn't wanna show long term commitment wouldn't be good to live with because he'll see you as being clingy. You just have to be wise and smart in your decisions not waiting like forever to do what you should get done in a short time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): Hmm,I'll have to present a different pov-I actually think your bf is right (up to a point): you can't FORCE love. It has to come naturally/go with the flow.On the other hand, you also can't waste the best years of your life on somebody who does not know what he wants to do.I mean it's good if you also don't have set goals/ideas, but it seems that you do,so that's why you clash. You know what YOU want. he is not SURE beyond doubt that what YOU want is what HE wants.It's not that he doesn't love you,it's just that he might not be ready to take a leap. Some people move across countries and continents for somebody they love/just met on a whim as they feel is worth the try, worth to see if they've actually found true love.Others live their whole lives together and never get married or have kids.As the last two are things you want-ask him:are those things he wants? If so:WHEN? You know for men is easy-they can become fathers at 60 if they so wish. For women-well,25 to 35 is the best time and pretty much the only window (according to my GP at least-she said most women need "help" after 35,IVF or hormonal treatment or whatever. And the number of your eggs decreases the older you get.)So,basically,if you do love him-you can risk it and stay BUT even if you decide to do so, you need to ask some tough questions:-how many children? How big of a family does he want/you want?-who is going to be the main caretaker?you/him?does he expect you to go back to work?If so-when?? (e.g. an ex thought 6 months was enough... yeah, right. I'm gonna let a stranger look after my 6 month old baby and go to work in order to pay HER to look after MY child...riiiiight.)I just think that all things that are important to you should be discussed. Then you can make up your mind (the REAL problem here is that maybe he hasn't got it all figured out yet,so he hasn't made up his mind yet. Which only makes it harder for you). You need to love him too,of course. Otherwise there is no point in creating a family with him.ps: I'd nip comments of that kind in the bud (if you do love the guy and wanna stay with him). His brother doesn't need to judge you (and if your SO mentioned the convo to you-it stayed on his mind...) + all the best relationships are actually really good friendships/companionships. As things tend to change over time (the passion rarely last for too long),but you have one pillar always-being able to rely on your partner.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I'm sorry but if he deems you 'companionship" then he's wasting your time till someone that he truly loves comes along.
I am not saying he does not love you and care about you, but not enough to do what he needs to do to not risk losing you.
after 3 years if you want marriage and kids and he does not it's time to fish or cut bait.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (18 February 2015):
I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR CONCERNS.But what do you feel about this relationship ? It just good friends or a in-love situation.Are you sure you know what your boyfriend thinks.Do sit down with him and have an indept chat and if he mentions that marraige will happen in the future.Ask him to put a time frame on the time otherwise he might be saying the same thing to you in 5 years time Ithink you are right to be concerned .Best wishes NORA B.
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