A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I know that what I have been doing is wrong. I wholeheartedly know this. I just feel sometimes you cannot help who you have a real connection with.This is my situation in a nut shell; I am now 26. When I was 18/19 I used to work for a large company. One of my bosses there who is 16 years my senior also worked there. I always found him attractive and wasn't aware he was married and we would flirt very rarely and nothing ever came of it. Anyway, he left the company as did I and never heard or seen him again. Then in October last year (2014) I made a LinkedIn account and he contacted me asking how I'd been etc. We then added each other to WhatsApp and spoke every day solidly for 4 weeks. It became a bit of an addiction and he agreed. A day didn't pass when we didn't speak. He said he WAS married with 3 young children and had been married 10 years. He said they had discussed splitting up but he loved his children more than anything so didn't want them upset as he had a broken family when he was young. ... Then we decided to meet up. In a hotel. I went and we had a few drinks.. we kissed and fell asleep with him cuddled up to me..it felt so right even though it was very wrong. This happen 3 more times but we never had sex or anything passed kissing and cuddling. He told me that he repected me and didn't want me to feel used. I became a little upset when I couldn't see him often (even though I had no right, he also lives 3 hours drive from me) I ended it with him and completely cut contact but then I'd receive an email from him saying that he couldn't just let me walk out of his life like that so we'd begin talking again. 4 weeks ago today he told me that his wife had become very suspicious and that we'd both better move on as he cannot risk his children as they are priority (of course) he said if they were a lot older or he didn't have them he would have left his wife for me very easily. I haven't heard from him since and I have kept my word and not made contact. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out. Did he use me? Use me for what though? Emotionally? Did he have true feelings or am I a dumb (and very selfish) young girl who has had to learn the hard way?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I'd say you GOT lucky.
You didn't get sexually involved "just emotionally, which was "dumb" enough. But if you had added the sex? You would be hurting a LOT more then you are.
I think what hurts the most, is being "turned down" or "not picked" - it's a bump to your ego.
So what do you do? YOU delete any of his information, you BLOCK his number and you LEARN from this. Don't let a MARRIED man sweet talk you, HAVE some sense of decency and don't get roped into something you KNOW isn't a smart thing to do - such as... having an emotional affair with a married man. You even start out your post with " I know that what I have been doing is wrong...." so you KNOW it wasn't a smart move on YOUR behalf. But then you go into the age old "excuse" we can't help who we feel a connection with" routine.. Maybe you can't "help" who you have a connection with, but that doesn't mean you should ACT on it, specially when you know there is NO future here, and no REAL love from his side. He just saw an opportunity to have some young piece on the side and as SOON as the wife got wind of something he dropped YOU like a used tissue. So NO he didn't CARE for you.
You put your hand in the fire, even-though you KNOW that is not smart and .... you got burned. So maybe next time you are face with a similar situation (maybe the guy has a GF or fiance) you back away. NOT for his sake, but for yours.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
 Did he USE YOU? for what?
does he like you? Yes
is he going to leave his wife for you NO
did you both make a bad choice to do what you did? yes.
I'm sorry you made a bad choice to choose a married man to have an emotional affair with. Had his wife not found out I'm sure it would have advanced to sex and then you would really be hurting.
BTW, any man who says he can't leave because of the children IMO is making excuses. I've seen men walk away from money, from jobs, from children, from lives, and pay handsomely (money wise) to the ex wife for the joy and privilege of being with the one they love.
Men often use "the children" as an excuse for why they stay with a wife they love who has gotten a bit less exciting after real life sets in.
A young woman with firm breasts and a healthy sexual appetite is hard to walk away from if you have lousy ethics and morals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): He may be testing you to see if you contact him because if you did then he would know he's got you and you will carry on knowing that he won't leave his family. Do not contact him and if he contacts you then don't respond. It's probably just some big game to him so don't play. Why give him the satisfaction of having his wife and you. No chance just keep away and don't believe a word he says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): No you were not used. At all.
You chose to go to a hotel to do goodness knows what with a man you knew was committed to another. Not once, not twice but three times.
I respect you and your intellectual faculties enough to see you as completely accountable for you decisions.
You are a full grown adult who can vote and drive (ergo lots of people's lives in your hands). You were not drunk nor deceived.
No you were not used.
You made bad choices.
The power was and is still in your hands to make better choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): I have to point out that I am actually surprised he did NOT try to take it further and have sex with you.Most married men in his position would have gone all the way. No question.So kudos to him for saying he respected you and stopping there. I know what everybody is thinking. He did not respect you. But in his own twisted way, he did. Because he did NOT sleep with you and I am sure you were open to the possibility. And I think it did dawn on him that what you both were doing was wrong. He had to sense to end it before it really began. Not many married men do this. So I do believe that he did like you. But he loved his family. This is who they choose in the end.Yes, you feel used and maybe you were to an extent. He may have liked the attention from you and having a young woman give him an ego boost. He may have been going through a rough patch at home but it was just a temporary fix. Things are probably better at home now. BUT at least he had the decency not to have sex with you.Trust me, that might have been the point of no return.Just be thankful it stopped there. And in the future do not involved yourself with married men. It will cause you a lot of unnecessary heartache. Take it from a person who knows.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 February 2015):
 He is MARRIED. He had nothing to offer you, and you got a good look at how he treats a woman he vowed to love and declared it from the rooftops. Yes, he used you, but you went with your eyes open. You were an accomplice to his betraying his wife, and now you're upset because he had an attack of conscience.
Your heart wasn't ripped out. Your ego was bruised because in the end, he rejected you in order to continue on with his wife and kids. What did you think was going to happen?
You need to choose partners much more carefully. If you want a guy who CAN develop feelings for you and stay with you as his number one priority, you date SINGLE GUYS. Honestly, starting a relationship with a married guy? Watch how he lies and cheats on her, and then says a bunch of worthless things to you to get you to open your legs to him. That's like scraping the bottom of a filthy barrel for food.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (18 February 2015):
You are not the first girl/woman to be atractive to an older married man and you wont be the last.Martried men are quiet expert in chatting up younger girls and they know the right buttons to press.He got a lot of pleasure from kissing you.Now i know your hurting and its dreadful to feel used-because that it just what he did.There is no future for you with this man and even if there was could you trust him and the answer is no no no .For your sakedo not have anything more to do with him -no pnone call-no texts and certainly no meeting.Because if you do it will be more painful then it is now.Be Positive FOR YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND.Move on make new friends-You are free to be loved and respected and find someone who in turn is Free to love you.Be strong-it will get easier Kind wishes NORA.B.
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A
male
reader, dayvide  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 He didn't use you.. Several men that feels attached to their children finds it difficult to walk out of the family even when their wives misbehave.. Don't feel let down or angry at yourself for letting him into your life sometimes our emotions control us. Get him out of your mind and move on.. The earlier you cut all contacts the better and quicker for your heart to heal.. Heart breaks but time mends and heals it
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