A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i've been married for a long time now and have 1 huge complaint about my husbands sister. Honestly, she calls him at least 10-12 times everyday and I find it extremely annoying and would love to tell her so; i have dropped hints by the tone in my voice. Every morning, during the day, while my husband's working (she also calls me 4-5 times a day for NO reason), before our dinner, during our dinner, before bedtime around 8:30pm at bedtime 10:30 and sometimes 11-12:00 at night. I find her to be the most annoying and miserable human being i have ever known. I have confronted my husband about the way i feel about her calling. He says to "leave her alone" and takes her defense. The whole thing is very creepy to me. I do not talk bad about her in anyway except for this issue. I love my family too, but come on sister get your own life! How do i get my husband to realize this is not normal behavior? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 June 2011):
 Doesn't this sister have a life? She sounds very dependant, clingy and insecure. If she is currently facing a life threatening illness and is severly worried in hospital I will of course soften my suggestions, and suggest a caring compassionate response.
But if she is not ill and just bored all day, walking to phone you every second
minute, then my suggestions below might help.
I am not discounting the bonds of blood, for they are indeed often very strong.
But her intrusive excessive number of phone calls is affecting your family calm.
And I am very surprised that your husband has not discerned this fact.
You need to retrain this sister in law to find a less responsive response every time she calls. You are being far to accomodating towards her.
First get an answering machine on the main phone and leave it on. For every 10 messages she leaves for you, call her back only once.
And between 10pm and 8am set the
home phone with a message that suggest the caller call baack after 8am.
Later on chage it to 9.30pm to 8.30am.
Learn to tell her you are busy finishing that which 'you need to do.' You do not have to explain more. Be in a hurry. Have a sense of urgency. She is monoplising your family life.
Turn your own mobile off for a designated period of 3 hours am and 3 hours pm, minimum, with a voice mail message that says 'I'm busy right now. Please call me back in 3 hours time.' don't have a voice mail box or she will clog it up daily. Plus turn your mobile off from 9.30pm to 8.30am. Later change that to 9pm to 9am. That way your mobile will always be less available than your home phone.
So that is the home phone and your mobile out the way.
If she bombards you husband instead with many many calls, then let him get sick of the calls. That is his problem.
If the above still does not work then seriously tough action is required.
I suggest you make a family decision to
turn off your mobile, your husband's mobile and the family phone for designated family time around meal preparation and the evening meal time
She is rude to phone so often. It is an unreasonable number of calls daily. Since she cannot take a hint, drastic action may
be required. She wastes your time throughout the day, so waste her time. When she next calls tell her there is another incoming call, and put her on hold. And leave her on hold for at least 15 minutes. If she is not on the phone when you get back, don't call her back. If she is there then ask her if the matter can wait, as you have another priority that must be attended to. Don't explain what it is.
The bonds between husband and wife
ought to be stronger than brother and sister.
If those bonds are not as strong
as they should be, then go on a family holiday, and turn your phones off aS
much as possible, except for essential calls
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): I don't think you're being mean at all. This is enough to drive anyone round the bend.
You're going to have to change your strategy though. The more you complain about your sister in law, the more your husband will dig in his heels to defend her. It's not just that they're related, it's that people tend to have sympathy for the underdog and if his sister is unhappy, that would be her.
Resist the urge to talk about her and when you do try and sound a bit more sympathetic (even if you don't feel it). Turn off the phone during dinner and right before bed. You don't have to tell your husband you're doing it.
After a while your he may lighten up and when he does, you can speak to her directly yourself. Don't even involve him. When you do, be positive. For example, instead of telling her when not to call, INVITE her to call at times you know are better for you.
She probably senses you pulling away making her even more desperate and clingy. If she's made to feel welcome (at appropriate times) she might lighten up.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, KeighleySky  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 I think your being a little too mean. They are brother and sister, you should be glad your husband has good familial relationships. I text my brother a lot because were close, it doesnt and never bothered any of his girl friends.
I get that calling during dinner and so late is unacceptabel but you just need to answer the phone or tell her straight 'Do not call at this hour, it is dinner time or bed time, we are trying to sleep.' You need to tell her straight.
Just because this is t normal for you doesnt mean its not normal for him and his sister.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 A word off warning for you, they are blood. Brother and sister relationships can be very strong and he obviously doesn't see any trouble with her ringing him so much so he doesn't see what the big deal is. Obviously it is effecting you and yes she is ringing quite a lot more than you would consider normal. But obviously she is quite lonely and just wants company in her life. Try and see it from her point of view has she anyone else in her life that she can turn to. You say she rings you as well so to me it sounds like she is trying to get close to you. Maybe you could try and meet down the middle and become friends with her maybe that will help her loneliness and stop her constant calling as well who knows. Maybe just try and make an effort for your husband and see where this girls underlying issues are. Maybe she has depression and just needs a friendly ear. Try and give her the benefit of the doubt. But also just be firm with her when you are busy at dinner or bed and tell her straight that you are having dinner, and when she rings late at night be straight and tell her it is unacceptable to ring so late at night.
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A
female
reader, kittykins +, writes (4 June 2011):
 Hi there:)Firstly, I would like to say that I commend your patience! I can sympathize completely with your situation, as my ex had a best-friend that was almost like his sister. She used to do the same thing, and call him for no reason all the time!! It drove me insane and creeped me out:-sThis woman seems unnaturally dependent on your husband. Was there some traumatic incident which took place that made her cling to him so badly? It would be understandable if so. However, despite this, she has to respect the fact that her brother has his own family (you)and his own private life. I can understand completely how stifled you feel by her, and how frustrated you are because your husband perhaps does not see this. As I don't know the ins and outs this one's hard to call. BUT, you must sit down with your husband and discuss this problem. Because ultimately, her incessant intrusions will destroy your relationship. IMPORTANT: If your husband cannot see that her dependence is unnatural, you will not be able to convince him otherwise, without offending him, or making him defensive of her. Believe me, I've tried, and it ended badly every time. Perhaps the best strategy would be to encourage her to make friends and socialize more? Try suggesting dance classes, or social events, to get her out there. Even better if you have any girlfriends that could accompany her. This requires a lot of effort on your part, however! Either way, something must be done because you are the one suffering. I hope I've helped in some way. I really do feel for you, and wish you good luck:) Let us know how it goes xx
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