A
female
age
41-50,
*trength
writes:Hi, I don't really know who to talk to about this... and not sure whether I am being too harsh or not and I would like to know a reasonable fair way to deal with my scenario. In a nutshell I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. He is absolutely wonderful and generally I am incredibly happy with him. Our relationship is good and we rarely argue as I feel as though we understand eachother well. However there is one thing that keeps on rearing its head and causing problems in our relationship. I am a chilled out person and generally accept most things, but I know where my boundaries are and what I want from life. Myself and my boyfriend have dabbled with coke in the past, mainly when we have been going out... this has been very rarely. From looking around at the people around me who are my boyfriend's friends, a group of them have got real drug issues and are addicted to coke. They have it every day and spend most of their ££ on it. This has put me totally of dabbling with coke even now and then as I can see the damage it does to a person emotionally, financially and in other ways. Myself and my boyfriend sat down and talked about this and we promised that we would not get involved in that scene. We want to build a future together and I don't want drugs in my life. Thing is my boyfriend works in a bar/restaurant and works quite afew late shifts... where I know his mates usually come and see him... It's always at the back of my mind that he may do stuff with his friends. My boyfriend is very reliable normally, but yesterday he said he was going to the bar he works in to sort out a few issues and said he would be back in a bit. This was at 10pm.... by 1am I was a bit worried, and wondered where he was and why he hadn't called... I rang him and he didn't answer his phone. I then rang again and no answer. The bar he works in is under our flat and the mates who are the drug users live in the flat above us... I could hear really loud music coming from the flat above me and I knew my boyfriend was probably in that flat... this made me sooo angry... as he didn't have the courtesy to let me know he was going to be longer than "a bit" and I knew what they were all probably up to up there.I was soo angry and couldn't get to sleep as the music was sooo loud, that I decided to go for a walk... not a good idea at 2am I know, but I needed to get out of our flat and clear my head. On my way out of the flat I ran into my boyfriend... who was locking up the bar. He asked where I was going and I said "you couldn't be bothered to answer your phone so none of your business". He then followed me down the road....... we don't normally argue but I was soooo livid.I could tell he'd been drinking and asked him where he had been... and he admitted hed been to the flat above and done some coke. I was even more angry. Firstly he didn't ring me to say he was going to be late back, he didn't answer his phone (he said he left it in the bar and only got it when he saw me) and I'm annoyed that he went upstairs and chilled with these guys and did coke. I feel like him going up there supports what they are doing and they are a real mess. Am I being unreasonable? I know these guys are his friends and I am not stopping him from seeing his friends, but it's the drug issue as I know that most of the time all they do is get off their heads with some kind of drugs or another. I really don't know what to do about this. My boyfriend was very sorry last night. I feel like he's really let me down and that maybe he doesn't want to turn his back on the scene, although he assures me that he has changed and does not want to do that stuff and that he hasn't since we talked and yesterday was a one off. I feel trapped where we are living and know that maybe we need to get away from that flat, but I guess it doesn't change the fact that he works in the bar and these people will be around all the time.I want to make something of my life and I don't want to be mixed up in all of this. Since I have not been chilling with the group of his friends, I think that they think I'm a bit of a killjoy now and I don't engage in what they do and I think from that they know that I don't approve of it. Problem is one of the guys is my boyfriend's best friend, and I know he's destroying himself.... and I'm just worried that he is a bad influence on my boyfriend but on the other hand I don't want it to seem like I'm driving a wedge between friends.I went to work today and didn't say much to my boyfriend. I haven't spoken to him over the phone today and don't really feel like it right now as I don't know how I should feel. I told him exactly what my issues with it all was yesterday. I'm not sure whether I was too harsh as I said that I felt really let down and he'd disappointed me and had no courtesy and that he should go upstairs and carry on chilling with his friends, don't let me stop him. He didn't go back upstairs and just said he was sorry.I'm really tired as was up till gone 3am and I was at work for 9am... I work a 9-5 job therefore all of this does not fit in with my life-style. What do you think I should do?
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at work, best friend, drugs, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): Cut your losses now! You already said you know the financial and emotional implications of dealing with drugs yourself or dealing with someone who uses them. Cocaine, especially!! I am a nurse who dated a man who also was a user for about 8 months. I felt sorry for him once he revealed his abuse to me. But, although he was sweet and able to cover up his habit initially, eventually he began doing what you described over and over again. Disappearing, not being accessible by phone, being apologetic....then he started getting verbally abusive, always wanting to borrow money (even though he was making thousands more dollars than me and had no other bills). Eventually it was weighing on me and I had to cut him off cold turkey. Best decision I ever made.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (20 January 2009):
 A simply move really want stop his behavior most likely. However moving him from the area should help in some manner. The fact that he is working in the bar still isn't good though. Many types of people hang out in bars. You have to be really street wise and have really good self-disclipine to hang out there and not indulge in alcohol, let alone the drugs that come thru the door. You would be surprised at the amount of illegal drugs that are SOLD in the bars and used there~!
I would suggest that you have a good talk with your mate and let him know what you expect from this relationshp. Alcohol and drugs are both very addictive. They can both cause loss of income,poor or failing health, affairs,or even death. They can make a perfectly nice person mean and violent. When someone *hangs out with people who do these things they must have alot of WILL POWER and SELF-CONTROL to turn them down. You will find that some just give into peer pressure, others don't care at all about what it does to themselves most less the person who loves them and is waiting at home.
When you stand up for yourself and let him know how you feel. You can ask him to get help to stop and you can ask him to stay away from people and places where the alcohol and drugs are present. Suggest that he finds a new job. NO matter what you do however may or may not help to rid his life of the way he lives his life. YOU CAN MAKE SURE YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE OK WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. If it takes leaving him to protect your interests and your home then do it. If you can't get him to view things differntly and come thru with what he promises, you will be better off to be alone than being constantly subjected to what he is putting you thru.
I have been with guys who had one or both of these addictions. They had such low self-discipline and self-control they couldn't let go of the bad things that affected the realationship. I did'nt, smoke, drink, or do any drugs whatsoever. My self-discipline and self-control, was quite often the only thing that kept the relationship alive. It was a long hard battle. My relationships to these men were long term. Each one eventually ended because of their addictions. YOu have to get strong enough to protect yourself and walk away if you need to. You can't make someone change, you can't fix them and you can't make them see anything if they aren't willing to open their eyes to see, or listen with care to the truth.
Free yourself and save wasted years trying to hold onto a realationshp that could be going nowhere. In time he will see that you love him and care enough to be there, but you aren't going to allow him to treat you badly because of his problems. Suggest that he gets a new job, gets conseling and stays clear of people and places that cause him to act like a different man than the one you fell in love with. No matter how much you love him, YOU NEED TO LOVE YORSELF MORE! Take a stand and be loving, but firm and ASK GOD TO HELP YOU. HE's IN YOUR CORNER!
MY BEST WISHES TO YOU AND BE SAFE!
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, Strength +, writes (20 January 2009):
Strength is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes the flat is very close to my work and his. But I think that would be a solution. He has already said that he is happy to move out of the flat and find somewhere else if that is what i want. Maybe that is the only way. BUT his bar is right next to their flat and I feel as though moving will only eliminate one part of the proble. He eknowledges that his friends are a mess and the damage that the drugs is doing to them and that is why I dont understand why he took the coke. He said he only did one line, but thats not the point. I think because he did the drugs, he lost track of time etc, hence not being courteous about lettin me know when he was coming home. Thank you for you comments, guess my biggest issue was a question of whether i was being petty, but i now know that i am not and that our relationship will not work if drugs r involved. I know I need to be strong, but its hard to give ultamatiums when everything else in the relationship is so good. BUT i guess if i dont sort this out now, it will only escalate and get even worse.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (20 January 2009):
 Hmmm well obviously what is making you mad is that he has promised this to you and failed to deliver. Is it possible your bf is addicted? If so then he needs help and he needs to realise it fast; you shouldnt feel bad, you can still be with a group of friends and not indulge in their habits.
I think you need to be quite firm and draw the line. Explain that you dont mind him hanging out with his friends but as I said above that just because he is with them doesnt mean he has to do drugs; especially as he promised to you they would not be part of your life. You need to stop doubting yourself because obviously your stand on this is the right one and it's best for you and your bf in the long-run...
I think you need to also ask your bf why he is doing this despite his problem so try and encourage to speak about his feelings with the reassurance you wont judge him too harshly because if he has an addiction he needs to admit it to himself. I know that probably sounds contra to what I have just said but you need to find a way to do both; prehaps the first bit should be getting to the route cause of why he still feels the need to do drugs.
You also have to be quite firm with yourself and not give into feeling you might be becoming a 'killjoy'. Your not; your making the right call and your bf needs to see that...if you dont take a stand now then I can easily see this problem undermining the relationship in the long-run. Good luck :)
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