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female
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*n her prime
writes: I'm going on my second date with a man that I met on-line (we are both middle-aged). We met for coffee on our first date. However, we are going out for dessert on our second date. He is quite comfortable financially as he owns a home, is a professional and his children are living on their own. I know he makes considerably more than I do by what he does for a living. I was astounded that he did not ask me out for dinner as I've had dinner with every man I've dated on the first or second date (sometimes both) since I was in my late twenties. It bothers me that this might be a pattern and he might be cheap. I'm not a gold digger and I'm not asking to go to a 5 star restaurant, just a reasonably-priced corner bistro. I don't want to confront him but how can I get him to ask me out to dinner without being demanding or acusing him of being cheap?
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female
reader, in her prime +, writes (21 November 2006):
in her prime is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that John (not his real name) wasn't really into me and was holding back on our date. He meets many women at singles functions and several on-line dating services and possibly may be commitment phobic or is attracted to the wrong kind of woman.
On our second date this man talked about how women have duped him. He seems to be bitter about women, particularly women he's met on-line. He says that they lie about their age and post old pictures. Men do this too, but I don't take it personally as they do it to everyone and not just you.
John mentioned something on our first date that I ignored at first as I didn't want to jump to conclusions. He still has issues with his mother and he was very intense when he talked about her. Not a good thing to mention right away!
Next time I meet someone from the on-line dating service I will steer the conversation away from past relationships. When someone mentions the past relationships frequently in the very beginning they often bring out their negativity. (If he were going to a job interview would he talk about bosses and co-workers he didn't get along with and why he didn't like some of his past jobs?) If he keeps going back then I know he has a problem that hasn't been resolved. After all, if the relationship works out then you have the future to look forward to, not the past to regret.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 I agree with the aunts, you need to take a chill pill and go with the flow.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (5 November 2006):
 Don't over-analyse the situation - it is a second date and not a second year of dating...internet dating can lead you into a sense that you are on familiar terms with someone who is technically a stranger. I think coffee dates are the new dinner date...some men may think dinner was OTT and could be misinterpreted - you know how that old cliche goes...he buys dinner to get you into bed. I would relax and see this situation for what it is...a second date; maybe you could buy him dinner next time around...lets face it women's liberation is just a few decades old now!
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A
female
reader, Lemonpixie +, writes (5 November 2006):
 I think it's sweet. He's breaking tradition, he thinks outside the box... why think of it in a negative way? He also may be testing you, seeing if you're not all wrapped up in money... Yes every other guy took you to dinner, but obviously none of those worked out... so just go with it!!!
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A
female
reader, sugapuff  +, writes (5 November 2006):
 Whats wrong with dessert? i like dessert! wish someone would take me for dessert! its the best part of dinner! god lighten up and enjoy it!
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (5 November 2006):
Do you actually like him, or are you more concerned with how much money he'll spend on you?? Get to know the guy before judging him to be mean. You don't know what financial obligations he has. How have you appeared to him? What you've done on other dates with other guys doesn't matter. And have you ever heard of paying half each? Sorry to be harsh, but give the guy a break!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): I believe this personal preference and not a sign of being cheap. I believe there wasn't any set preferences on where to take my dates. I took one girl to sushi on our first date, and another girl to hot pot on our sixth or 7th date, another girl in a group dinner after we dated for a month, and so on and so forth. Before and after certain dates, I took them to dessert, drinks, or just chill out somewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): Hmmm. Sounds like the assumptions monster is rearing it's ugly head.
Maybe he just is overly cautious on your side of things; actually you make him out to be some insensitive, cheap bat turd...
It could be he is cautious an is not wanting to rush into things and the whole dinner thing may be misinterpreted as COMMITED status. Most men don't want that off the bat.
You need to be patient and work on being more understanding and accepting.
Why don't you make dinner and eat at his place?
Don't set out to "make" him do something he is not ready for.
Patience.
Take it slow.
Let the romance build. Romance isn't dinner.
How is the conversation?
What about you? What are you willing to do?
Best of wishes.
*hugs*
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