A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help with a woman that I come into contact with in relation to my work. We're not co-workers exactly, but she now teaches in the college where I am currently researching - she dropped out of PhD research to become a tutor whilst I carried on researching. I'm extremely highly respected for the quality and - importantly - the originality of my research and generally well-liked but I do have insecurities that I have almost worked through now.I'm not exactly sure what the problem is here. But it is definitely something to do with when you feel that the person in question has made a decision about you and 'won't let you in'/speaks to a script/remains on an impersonal level in which they are friendly and welcoming but also it never, ever goes beyond that. She never, ever asks about my own teaching career for example - I teach in other colleges part-time - and never asks me about other, key aspects of my career. In the context of our meetings this is highly unusual because it is the first starting point for all of us when we meet up and socialise/network. If I ask her about her teaching and if she is still enjoying it she will say "yes, its great and smile, but she won't say more than that." She is well liked by others.ONe thing that springs to mind is that, very early on when we first met, she told me one thing that was 'open' - which was that she had been involved in some sort of feminist group where the women learned to 'take control' of their sexuality and their self worth by going out and deliberately flirting with men and, when the man asked them out/for a date, they would very politely refuse. I think the idea was that the women were to learn to be more in control of the outcomes of their social interactions or something? I can't help but feel that this woman does this with me...but why? Why me and, it seems, no-one else?We come into contact during research meetings sometimes and I can sense - literally - when I say something that she finds really interesting and wants to 'use'. About five years ago, when we both first started our research, I asked her to be in a project that I was organising and that two of my close friends were in. She agreed, I think because at that time it would look good for her CV, I'm not sure - but instead of this bringing us closer as friends she thereafter just went into 'script' mode. It doesn't matter how friendly I am or what I do, she just won't 'budge'. This would not usually bother me but we are both researching a very similar area and I know that this will probably remain the case for the rest of our lives! I have read somewhere that people who are 'manipulators' can sense other people's fear of rejection and they have a way of constantly keeping them 'on edge' in order to keep getting what they want from them. When I read this it was like an alarm bell going off - when I first met this woman I was definitely far less confident than now and yes, I really did fear rejection. It is just difficult now because we will regularly meet up with this group and I know that some of us will definitely become closer as friends. She doesn't seem like this with others, only with me. The group invovles a lot of discussion, and I feel like she waits for me to 'deliver up the goods'. I don't want to become manipulative in return, and at first I never thought of this woman in this way - only admired her, and felt inadequate myself. But I now think that she could be a real strategist and I don't quite know how to handle it. I've given up thinking that we could become friends, but I hate this feeling that she is somehow 'onto me' in the sense that I describe above.Any ideas anyone? I can hardly avoid this woman as I come into regular contact with her. And I don't want to deliberately withold stuff in our group discussions - I mean I like sharing my ideas, but I do keep some of my really precious ideas to myself of course. What should I do here?
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female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (27 October 2012):
If this woman feels like you are the 'queen bee' in your research circle, she may be intimidated by your success (she dropped out of research to tutor). If she was manipulative, she would be dealing with you more so she could figure out how to pull your strings.
Unless she has obviously outright stolen your ideas, you have no reason to assume that she has malicious or plageristic intent.
Perhaps she keeps you at arms length because you have done the same to her?
You mention that she never asked you about your teaching career. It is very possible that your reputation preceeded you and she has already heard about your accomplishments from a colleague. She may have felt like your time was too important to waste talking to her about something she's already heard from someone else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Some people just have a personality you described: not very talkative, withholds Info, seem very secretive and so on. I ussualy overchatty with people like this also.
I have. Friend like that.it always seems that she is waiting for something from me. She is always unclear about different subjects.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Remember this word: POLITE.
When there is someone who you have come to dislike... and/or a person who evidently/(or) clearly dislikes you.... then, when you must be in their company you behave POLITELY, and CORDIALLY.... and that will put an end to any/all other question(s) of how to interact with that person.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 I am still partial to my jealousy theory :). Teaching is respected and respectable,... but if it's not what she wanted to do to begin with ?....
My sister used to be a researcher in a very specialistic field, until she felt the pressures , and the long hours of her job, weren't compatible with her being a mother of two, and she turned to teaching. As a matter of fact, she got a teaching job in, I guess, the only European nation where teachers are not just respected, but also very well paid ( not Italy ,obviously, LOL ) , so she does not complain about that. And she likes teaching too... nevertheless, she frankly admits feeling a slight pang in her liver whenever she talks to her ex colleagues..
Anyway, if it bothers you so much, and if the point of the group is basically to offer mutual support , why not taking the bull by the horns. You can ask a friend to put out feelers for you, sure, but you can also do it yourself. You'll have to be casual and suave about it, you can't just pull her by the sleeve and say " but why don't you like meeee ? " as if you were in kindergarten. But you can tell her that you have something on your mind and you'd like to talk about it over tea and cake.. you can invite her out for tea, or coffe or whatnot, and tell her you've got this feeling that for some reason you are not using the group to the fullest of its potential, and not getting the best out of it... as it could instead happen if you could break the ice, and get to know each other a bit better.... feel more at ease mutually... etc. etc.
Obviously I don't know the script you should use word by word, the idea is to coney in softer tones the sentiment of " Hey buster, ya gotta problem with me ? because if you do, just spit it out, and let's see if we can work it out ".
I am not saying this will work. Maybe she is just a bitch. Maybe she is not a bitch, she just does not like you, for no reason ( unjust, but hey it happens and as long has she is civil, she does not have to like you ). Maybe that's just the way she relates to everybody, in a guarded,walled off kind of way.
Anyway,you will have made your try, and demonstrated your openness, good will, and intent to cooperate in the most productive way. You'll have done your part , and given her the chance to do hers. If she does not jump at the chance, - that's on her , you can shrug it off and file her under " people I won't be friend with ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Hi Aunty EmYou're right it is weird indeed, and I think I may need to 'pull in' a friend on this one - but as to showing 'underbelly', I do plenty of this with her, believe me. She just has this way of not giving out any even minutely superfluous information and, bizarrely, I end up over-compensating by chatting away about stuff. I definitely do not give out a vibe of feeling suspicious or threatened by her, but I have increasingly and subtly decreased the amount of effort I will go to in order to try and make her feel comfortable with me. Another thing, she often initiates her own projects and it would be extremely easy for her to include me but she never has...I guess overall I'll just try to keep a bit of distance but maybe get a friend to help out with this one as well. Thanks anyway, I know it must seem strange...it is!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Wow this is an odd one indeed.
I think the old adage ' You can't like everybody' is tue but you seen to be particularly threatened by this woman and your mind is trying to find a solution to the problem where probably none exists.
Maybe she is trying some weird feminist mind control on you, who knows, some women feel they have to fight for everything and if you are a particularly close adversary to her, she may be irritated by your presence...or maybe it's just a clash of personalities that she does not even know the reason why she doesn't like you.
You say she is pleasant and script like with you, but this obviously prevents you from feeling comfortable to share ideas. Maybe if you DID share with her it would make her feel more connected to you.
Sometimes you have to show a little underbelly to let someone in. Often we can send out invisible signals to people that make them, in turn feel uncomfortable.
If it really bothers you so much, why not employ another colleague to intervene for you to let this lady know that you would like to broaden your working relationship with her and be more open with ideas and data.
If you give out the vibe that she's some annoying mind controlling feminist, it will make things worse.
Pull a friend in on this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Thanks CindyCares - as I said, I wouldn't usually be bothered - but the group is set up with the aim of developing joint projects and, ironically, is supposed to be a form of professional 'support' and sharing - that said, the area of research can be highly competitive, with people wanting to produce new articles and so on in order to help them to get better jobs. Tutoring in this area is highly respected, so the woman in question won't necessarily feel envious that I'm still doing a PhD - although she could possible feel envious that I come up with a lot of original insights and new ways forward...it just makes it very difficult because we are supposed to be 'working together'. The group is not quite big enough to just ignore her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 October 2012):
I think it maybe jealousy- envy, in fact.
This woman had to drop out of research- and you are still a researcher, while she is a teacher. and not as fulfillment of her call, but as " in lackof better " option. While you are still doing what you want , and what she wanted for herself.
That must be nagging at her at some level and perhaps influences her way of treating you.
Then again, frankly I can't quite see why this should be a big problem for you. We can't be everybody's best friend and pet person,- we can just be our usual ,normal self and hope that whom we come in touch with are smart enough to understand and appreciate all the positive we could bring to their lives. If they don't... their loss.
Friendship is something that you can't force or demand, you have let the door open, if she ,for strange reasons of hers ,has chosen not to avail herself of this opportunity , and stay out of the door- respect her choice, and just be polite and pleasant as you normally are to all your colleagues , and nothing more.
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