A
female
age
41-50,
*in1980
writes:I am a 30yr old lesbian from a small town in India. I have a problem which is weighing my heart down because ending my 5 yr relationship seems to be the only solution, i can formulate. I hope you will be patient in reading my letter and giving me any advice you can.Here is some background to my relationship status.I live with my 38 yrs old partner, we are both working professionals and financially secure, leading a quite and secluded life. We both have separate social lives and neither of our parents, siblings or friends know about the depth of our relationship because we are living like roommates for the world to see. I'd like to clarify that we were not friends, but lovers who became friends. We met through pinksofa.com and after 'dating' for a while, began living together as a couple, having made a conscious decision. After an initial spurt of experimental sex we have not been intimate with eachother. Despite several attempts to revive it, on my part, i would say the sex life is absent. I stopped trying when she had begun to ridicule my attempts, so we've had the infamous 'lesbian bed death' for the greater part of our relationship. I have constantly yearned to be acknowledged as her life partner which she refuses to do, given our circumstances (living in homophobic India, with our respective parents wanting us to marry suitable 'boys'). We had always talked about starting a family and i want to be a mother, however she is reluctant about adopting or having me impregnated.Here is the crux of my problem.From the past couple of months (about 7-8 months) i have had doubts about my purpose in this life, i share with her. It seems like i am an amiable companion she has sought to keep her company. I am not treated as a lover nor accepted as a partner. I have gone into depression since December and have gained 15 kg since then. These days, i feel my love for her draining away. I also seem to be losing my sexual identity. I used to think that losing her would kill me, however i don't miss her for days together. I wonder if i were to give in to parental pressure and marry a man and settle for a compromised life would i actually be losing anything at all? I know it will be unfair to that man, that i will bring a flawed self into this union of marriage, by then i think i would be a doting mother to notice. I probably wouldn't be able to give my whole self to him instead, I'd desire a woman's touch. How would my situation be any different from that of today? I still desire a woman's touch and I'm already in a compromised relationship.I love her and she is my best friend, but i owe happiness to myself.please advice, i am losing my mind and probably the best thing that ever happened to me.thanks and regards,S.M
View related questions:
best friend, lesbian, roommate, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Polaroid93  +, writes (23 April 2010):
Have you ever considered emigrating? Just as a suggestion, feel free to take no notice of it, I personaly think there is a great tollerance of homosexuals in the uk, my best friend is a lesbian and it's never bothered anyone, you do deserve happiness, good luck
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I think you should speak to a counsellor or Psychiatrist. I am not saying that what you are doing is disgusting. I am saying that you obviously have some issues that need to be sorted out. You seem like a nice person. I don't know what your financial situation is, but usually, you should speak to an expert about these things. This is an unusual situation so I honestly don't know what else to say. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Dear lin1980,
I think nobody would blame for wanting to appease everybody in your situation. Life is difficult for gay people even in Western countries and in India it must be even more challenging. Not everybody was born a hero. Plus, by getting married you' d get not only status and social approval but also your dream of being a mother, so I see how that may appeal to you. I just do not know if you CAN do it. Again, sex without physical attraction is a rather horrible think for heteresexual women too, - for a guy women it must be even worse, are you sure you can go through that ? Think about it very well.
As for your current relationship-try your best. Talk honestly and firmly to this woman. Put your feet down, stand your ground. do not let her disrespect your feelings. In short, try your best to communicate- but remember :L it takes two to change a relationship. Don't be surprised if she is not willing to change, because obviously she likes the status quo, the way things are suit her just fine.
You want to be happy- and you know what ? It takes COURAGE to be a happy person.
Best wishes to you
...............................
A
female
reader, lin1980 +, writes (23 April 2010):
lin1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Cindy,
I just wish i could convey to her, how this lack of intimacy is wearing away at my very essence.
When i try talking about working on our relationship she sighs and makes me feel like an immature person.
I've made up my mind to decide on an action plan, i just don't know what....i do hope and pray, whatever it is i do, will at the very least, leave her unscathed.
...............................
A
female
reader, lin1980 +, writes (23 April 2010):
lin1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Rescuer,
thank you for your reply, I'm glad you understand (and not disgusted) my option of going straight, though that's my last resort....
I've been putting off marriage for almost a decade now, since i turned 20. like my mum would say, "I've moved into the not-so-hot-stuff in the matrimonial section" so i guess I'll probably appeal to a 40's something guy.
honestly i can't go on living like this, I've been a rebel all my life and its taking a toll on me. sometimes i feel like giving it all up and appease everyone instead.
...............................
A
female
reader, lin1980 +, writes (23 April 2010):
lin1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Cindy,
thank you for your reply, I know maybe I'm looking for justification to makeup my mind...
you are right, i will have to decide soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 April 2010):
By all means, try salvaging your relationship if you feel that's what you should do- but I suggest you giving yourself a time limit- 6 months, or whatever you see fit.
Just please do not hang in there indefinitely hoping in momentous changes which may not happen.
Best of luck-
...............................
A
female
reader, lin1980 +, writes (23 April 2010):
lin1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Cindy, for your advice and the positivity in your words, they give me hope.
A life altering decision is imminent, but if i could avoid a breakup, and somehow salvage the situation....maybe i could breathe easier.
thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 April 2010):
It's not loosing your partner which could kill you,it's continuing to stay with her which could kill you.
She does not accept you as a lover and as a partner, she makes fun of your attempts to revive passion. You love her less and less and don't miss her ( if she's away. You can't come out (I understand that ) and she is not interested in adopting. All this has plunged you into depression- depression may become a very serious condition and a risk for your general health. Not only you deserve happiness ,you deserve keeping your health. Moral - this relationship has run his course and you'll be better without.
As for yielding to parental pressure and marrying a suitable boy, I would advise you against it, for a very simple reason. Being obliged to have sexual intimacy with a man you are not minimally attracted to, is one the saddest, most disturbing experience that a heterosexual woman can go through,-imagine what it would be for a gay woman.
Where does this all leave you then ?... Alone,yes. For the moment. There's sadness in loneliness-but also dignity, and peace of mind, and the chance for soul searching and finding out who you really are and what you really want.
You will not be alone forever- you might very well try pinksofa.com again, or meet another partner in yr social circles, or even go live abroad-who knows what the future may bring. But to have a good future,we have to take action in the present.
Good luck.
...............................
|
