A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After separating from my husband if many years, I started to claim for child supportWhen he got to know this from the agency he sent me a text saying, "can't believe you're doing this to me, taking my kids and family away and now also causing me further stress"Then again when he met me he brought up that he was spending way too much and I just looked at him surprised as I couldn't understand since he received accommodation from work and I have the kids ... And he went on to say x% anyways goes away...I said what do mean goes away? And he said don't you know you get that from me? I changed the topic as kids were there but really irritated - I work full time; look after the kids and left him for exactly this reason, just never felt he cared for anyone before himself; just paying what is the minimum he needed to pay is upsetting him - am I asking for too much that he sees its his kids he pays for; I don't eat up his money.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (26 December 2012):
sorry you are right, it is 20% but make sure you get it and good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys you're so helpful; I've got the proceedings beginning and just need to keep at it; he's here for a few days so need to talk to him as lawyer said whatever can be settled without their involvement will save me lawyer charges. So time to have that talk over next few days. He's very inconsistent and childish for the moment - sometimes wanting to win me back and other times making jibes. He got me a Christmas present and I said really you didn't need to (he didn't over last 10 years why today!) and he said 'not everyone is like you; that's the difference between you and me.' Merry Xmas folks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 December 2012):
 I'm sorry it does not matter if you can afford to support these kids yourself or not. HE is their FATHER and he has a responsibility to them whether you need his help or not.
I think putting the money away for them that you don't need for day to day living expenses to help them with college or a nest egg when they move out, is an incredible gift to them.
I agree that you need to get a good divorce lawyer, get everything spelled out on paper nice and legal.
In the beginning divorce (even a nice divorce) can be difficult. Hopefully he will mature and accept the facts of life and play like an adult in the future.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2012):
 Wow he is really NOT playing nice at all.
Honestly, get a solicitor. Get the divorce finalized and sell the house, let him have half of THAT. I would love for him to explain to his Dad that he needs to find a new home. Wow..
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey dmartin, the kids live with me full time and he visits as per his convenience as he is a few hours away now. His dad does not live with me but lives in our marital home; I moved out and live in a rented house. So yes I pay rent and council tax too. And the mortgage for the marital home too where his dad lives. And he has the cheek to tell me that as per the law he is entitled to half of everything so says if i stay we can be happy but if i file, he'll claim his half.
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (24 December 2012):
 Yes, and I can see that it's a complicated situation. Do you have the kids full time and he can see them when he wants or do they live with them part of the time?
Is his dad living with you because of disability or, and why with you specifically?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2012):
You really didn't need to explain it further - there is NOTHING wrong in asking for child support from the children's dad.
And of course he blames you... other wise he would have to own up to the fact that he is a cheating dog, wouldn't he?
Either way, it really doesn't matter why you split up - a man father's a child and he is from them on financially responsible, whether he likes it or not.
I would make a budget so he can see where the money he gives you for the children go. YOU still have to provide a roof over their heads, food in their mouths, clothes on their backs and so forth.
YOU did nothing wrong in asking for financial support.
I'd tell him to grow the heck up. (and shut up about it lol)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey sorry I didn't put that too well. I mean I am able to support the kids on my own but that obviously means I save little/ all I meant is that I am able to break even each month. He earns fairly well to though less than me. But he feels grieved at having to pay his fair share I don't see why. He has access to kids anytime he wants I don't restrict that. Infact his dad lives in our marital home and I haven't even said once that we should consider putting that on rent etc so I don't normally demand anything and that's why this has come as something he's not liking coz he blames me for breaking his home for not being able to get over the fact that he cheated on me for over a year. Hope I'm making sense here...
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (24 December 2012):
If you earn a decent amount amd will only be putting the money aside then why are you askimg for it? It's not exactly being used to support the kids with every day needs...
I don't know your custody arrangements but if you are splitting the kids time 50/50 or if he wants equal custody but you are not willing to give it then why should you get his money? It sounds like he needs his money more than you do seeing as you earn more. And yes, these are his kids but they are YOURS too, and im sure you didnt have them with the intent of living off just his paycheck.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (24 December 2012):
If you’re asking the minimum that he is required to pay for his kids, no you’re not asking too much and he should not be complaining. If he was able to give more that would be nice for his kids but if there’s aminimum he’s required to pay this is what he should be paying. Perhaps if he believes the money isn’t being spent on the kids you should show him the receipts for food, clothes, shoes, and all the other things kids need. He can’t separate you and his children in his head: he thinks that because you receive the money, he’s given you money when in fact you are just receiving it and spending in his children’s best interests but really it's their maintenance money. The only question that springs to mind is what access arrangements are in place? Is he given regular access rights to his children? This is important. If he’s not then he should be given the chance to see them. That might be why he’s upset about the money. If he is then he has even less of a reason to complain.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2012):
You didn't set the amount did you? I'm betting Child Maintenance Services (or what they are called in the UK - not sure) set the amount based on the # of children and his base pay.
He can whine all he wants, but legally there isn't anything he can do, and honestly if you are the caretaker 100% of the time don't back down. Any sensible GROWN man knows that once you put children into the world you pay (one way or another) til the day you die.
I would ignore this and just keep the subjects to the kids.
It's not like you now live the high life courtesy of him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 December 2012):
 Don't even BEGIN to think that you should compromise what your ex- (the FATHER of these kids) should be required to pay toward their support.....
Several have pointed out that "the Courts" have means by which to determine what is "fair" (to the kids).. and as "affordable" to the Father... and that is what life is all about.....
He spawned 'em.... he's gotta help PAY for them...
Good luck.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks guys, he never offered anything as I earn well and he thought I suppose that I'll just find it all. Even when we were together I paid the main expenses such as mortgage, kids classes etc. I contacted the CSA so we can have an official estimate of what's fair and I told him that he can expect a call and he was okay. But once he knew this is 20% of his salary for the 3 kids he just vent at me though calmed down again. Frankly I will just put the money aside for the kids future as I can break even without it but its the attitude that's upsetting me about him whining about that 20% goes away..it doesn't go away - it's used to look after his kids does he not realise that at all? And then he says to me to reconsider my decision as according to him - we can still make this marriage work..his actions certainly don't match these words
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 December 2012):
There are amounts that NCP (non-custodial parents) pay based on the number of kids, the amount they earn and the amount the CP earns.
If you WANT to be kind and take less you can but I wouldn't.
Even if he does not see his kids he is required to pay CS for them.
Was there a reason you two could not work out the agreed upon amount and you had to involve the government?
I know with my ex husband we never had to involve the government.. he paid me what he could afford and it was enough to help support his kids.
If the dad would not have offered enough or would not have paid properly then there was no other recourse on your part and he's being a big baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): My ex husband whom I married at 18 has never, not once, paid anything towards my daughter's upkeep because he's never had a job. I was not pregnant when we married, he is 10 years older than me, and will not even discuss the issue with me. It has basically almost destroyed my life as I have no family to help either. I'm now 43 and ill all the time with stress, have achieved a huge amount in that time but it has been tough. People literally cannot believe what I've done without his help and just imagine that I've been financed by him all along. Words can't express how angry this issue makes me for all women involved - in the UK alone there is far, far too much political tolerance of men who get women pregnant, whether in a marriage or outside of it, then blame the woman for becoming pregnant and just walk away because they can. There literally should be a law against it - the woman is left feeling guilty and devalued and in my case I was treated like "single parent scum' despite having married in total innocence and for love and despite taking full responsibility ever since for my child. You be proud of yourself for not behaving like him and don't for a minute not feel like you deserve his money. You made a mistake in being too strong and too accommodating with him right from the start. He sounds like a baby who never grew up and expects you to treat him like a kid and cater to his needs. This was your only mistake, don't keep repeating it. Insist that he help and don't take any more selfishness and b^l^^it from him.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (24 December 2012):
 Well, after doing a bit of research, it seems, as I suspected, there are fixed percentages applied to the net income per number of kids. This is, for example, how it's done in Texas: http://www.lanwt.org/txaccess/change_childsupport.aspEven if you suggest a certain amount, I don't think it's taken into account in the court - there are specific calculations for this, mathematically. So, based on this I would expect that if you engage the court and proceed legally you don't get too much or too little but what is lawfully settled. It's never pleasant to go through this especially with kids involved. I hope a certain degree of civility and friendship can be preserved for their sake. Best wishes.
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