A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I have been with my bf for almost two years. I suffer from terrible insecurity and have often wondered if he has cheated. Anyway, I know it’s wrong but I decided to check his facebook account. I found nothing untoward in the last two years but there was a string of emails between him and his friend that has upset me a little when we first got together and now I am struggling to let go of this and need some advise how to do this.Basically, on our first proper date together two years ago he wrote to his friend that he had taken me out and it was okay but then he had bumped in to this other girl (the same night! It must have been when we went to the pub later and maybe I was in the toilets as I cant remember this??!). he said he liked her too but he liked me and he wasn’t sure what to do. He then went on to say he liked me but he was probably more attracted to the other girl, and that I did not put out and he thinks I see him as husband material!! (to be fair, I think I know the girl he means and without putting myself down she IS better looking than me and about 10 years younger!!) He also said he had spoken to the girl on this night he was with me (I’m still struggling to understand how I did not see any of this??!!) His friend suggested he sleep with both of us! Then my bf said he liked the sound of that and he would see how it went. Then the chain stopped until months later, which to me indicates that nothing happened. We started dating properly about two weeks later. Its not that I think anything happened between him and this girl, I’m just upset that on our first date together he was still looking around?! In the emails he told his friend that he had spoken to this girl on the night he took me out and he had spoken to her and said that he had been hoping his friend would introduce them! (his friend knows both girls, he’s my friend too but a bit of an eternal bachelor!) We weren’t actually dating properly at this point, we didn’t actually officially start going out until about 2 weeks after the first date. Please tell me, am I being silly being upset by this? I know I should not have looked but I did and I won’t look again. Also, how do I let these feelings go? It’s two years ago and there was absolutely no indication that he has been unfaithful to me at all. I’m just a little peeved that he was not ‘bowled over by me’ on the first date and that he found someone sexier than me ? I guess its my silly fault for looking in the first place. The only other thing that I think is important to mention is that all this email correspondence between him and his mate could be more ‘boys talk’ than anything else and also partly my bf playing up to his bachelor friend? Your thoughts…….
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 1. If you snoop you might find something you never wanted to see. Something that was never MEANT for you to see.
2. It was your first date. Nothing was settled in stone between the two of you.
3. It was a mail to his buddy, honestly, people think women gossip, but I tell you men are way worse lol. I think it had more to do with bragging then what he actually felt/thought. A "look at me I have two hot chicks interested".
I really don't see the problem.
A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Firstly your right you shouldn't have looked. That being said, yes you are being silly, On a first date you expect them to be unsure, it is the getting to know and possibility of something, it's not a certainty that it will develop into something serious. He could have been talking it up with his friend, or he may simply have not been that sure at first, which is normal. The thing that you seem to be overlooking, and that you should be focusing on is that he picked you, you have been together for 2 years and that he loves you. You found nothing more dated after you were official, which is all you have a right to ask for. Forget about what you saw, don't ever spy on him again in this way, and focus on the fact that he may not have been completely bowled over by you in the beginning, but you are the one he chose in the end. I know I would rather be the one who won the man's heart in the end, than the one who bowled him over and was overlooked for someone else. I hope this helps and keep your focus on what you have shared for the last 2 years, not what happened in the first 2 weeks before you were officially a couple.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Don T Knowitall  +, writes (1 October 2011):
yours is a good example of why people should mind their own business and not spy on people they supposedly care for. You expect him to be perfect and then betray him to see if he meets your standards. Shame on you.That said, I think you're reading too much into this. Guys are hardwired to check out any female under any circumstances. I'm not kidding! A guy could be just married with the woman of his dreams, walk over to the bar at the reception and if the bartender had all the right curves in all the right places he would immediately start mentally undressing her and think, boy I'd like to hit that! That is how guys are. Always horny and always looking.As for his buddy banter, you don't know what kind of mood he was in at the time. This was your first date so it could have gone anywhere. Maybe he thought you didn't have a future so he was checking out other gals. Maybe he thought you were boring and was already thinking about his next date. When you go to the bathroom is a perfect opportunity to evaluate the evening and how it is going.I wouldn't worry about it. And if you confront him about this you will lose his trust, so I would pretend it never happened and get on with your life.
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