A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy on a dating site in another state in July 2012 who lived on the other side of the country. Well After September and talking everyday on the phone we said we'd be exclusive and 'date'. We chatted and talked everyday on the phone, sent pictures, sexted, phone sexed, etc. Fyi i am a virgin and made it clear I was interested in a serious relationship because I was looking for a life partner. He started saying he loved me after a few months and said it everyday and so did I. After last summer 2014 I started to get more distant because I lost my best friend and was terribly sad and withdrawn. A few months later I lost a young relative. I shared things with him that were very intimate and felt a strong bond and he shared things with me and called me at all hours of the day. However after last summer the calls weren't as frequent and we had arguements all the time about when we'd see one another finally. I just became more distant and withdrawn due to the emotional stuff I was going through with loss and a bad job I was in. Finally last month we made arrangements to see one another and me flying to see him. Well then I come to find out that he had dating profiles. A few actually, that he never told me about. In those profiles he said he was single and looking for a long term relationship. He constantly updated those profiles with recent pictures. I confronted him and he admitted then he said that he had actually gone on dates with women. At first he lied and said it had just been 2 dates this past year. He said they were just to meet for coffee and said that they didnt work out because he couldn't fall for someone when he had already fallen for me. He said it started 10 months ago. I later find out that he lied about it being just 2 dates and it had actually been 6 and that he had taken the women out to dinner and to a cider house. I also found out that he had made out with several on the first date and the second dates and that he had felt a connection to one that he had dated for a week but she turned him down after a few dates and he said the women were all very cute or attractive. I did not find this out through him but through a friend so he would not have told me either way. I cancelled my trip. Now even though I don't speak to him he still texts me and tells me that he misses me and tries to get me to talk to him. He says that he did it because he was starting to doubt if I would ever come out there to see him and I just don't know what to believe now. How should I handle this?
View related questions:
best friend, phone sex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to add that he talked about a future together constantly. He really wanted me to move there for him so we could have a life together he said. He even showed pictures of houses etc. Of course hard to believe now what be says but I do think we should have met earlier. He was willing to come out many times and had bought a plane ticket once but I cancelled plans because i was going thru the emotional stuff. Also I found out thru the friend that he named me as 1 of the girls he had been in love with but he also had said we had broken up last year when we had not. In his texts he said he still wanted to meet but I dont trust him a bit now.
A
female
reader, Kendle  +, writes (1 July 2015):
 Don't waste another second of your life on this guy. Telling you he did it because he doubted whether you would ever come meet him is NOT a good excuse! he should have had faith in you or he should have made an effort to come to you. And if he thinks he can justify his behaviour with that lame excuse then what else will he think justifies bad behaviour in future? Every time you argue you will worry that he will go off and cheat and use your argument as an excuse. Also, the lies! He clearly has no problem being dishonest. You can't be with someone like that. Trust is essential in any relationship. Walk away now with your pride and dignity intact. This guy will end up hurting you and the longer you stay with him, the more it will hurt and the more of your life you will waste on him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2015):
 I agree with SVC, end it. He is NOT it for you, not if you are looking for a long term and faithful partner/spouse.
I also agree that he was NEVER really your BF, not did he LOVE you. He loved the IDEA of you. He loved the idea of you two together, but in reality? He was looking for a woman closer by, someone NOT you.
I would also block, delete, un-friend, remove him from your life, absolutely NO contact any more. It would be a WASTE of time for you to continue with him. And you would end up the one with hurt feelings.
Don't you find it a LITTLE funny that he is blaming YOU for his actions? That because YOU didn't come see HIM, he started dating other women?... IT's TOTAL BULL CRAP! IF he missed YOU so badly in his life, HE could have come see you! NOT started to date other women! He wasn't even the one to tell you.... He would have carried on dating other women, while "playing" relationship with you.
DO NOT let him sow that doubt that it's your "fault".
However, I do want to point out something. Having a LDR sound LDR means you KNOW the person you are dating, as in you spend time IN person, not just online/texting/phonecalls. And you MAKE plans to BE together (as in move close enough to one another so you can see each other on a daily basis.
So my advice to you is, NEXT time you look for a date, LOOK for someone within your geographical area, someone you ca spend time with, without breaking the bank on plane tickets etc. And someone who isn't just TELLING you he wants a long term relationship, but ACTUALLY wants one.
This guy is a dud. WALK away.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2015):
 You cut your losses and run.
IF you want to have an LDR then you have to meet early on. AND you have to be able to see each other regularly.
AND you have to have plans to END the distance.
You call a man you never met face to face your boyfriend. But he's not. He's a guy on the computer who interested you.
Boyfriends come to visit you.
Men in love move heaven and earth to be with the one they love.
they don't date other women
they don't kiss other women
they don't keep things from you.
He was NEVER your "boyfriend" and he lied to you...
since he's shown he can lie, you can never believe anything he says.
block his number and get on with your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): I would be very dubious of online relationships!
A similar thing happened to me last year - where this guy kept messaging me on Facebook all the time, sending me photos, wanting to meet etc, etc. When I finally put him on the spot about meeting - he made some excuse saying he would be 'away' then. I later found out from TWO mutual friends he had been doing the same to them also - one of which is foolishly still in touch with him!!
Now I'm not saying he is a complete player - as he may have just been keeping his options open until you both met & he is still trying to contact you & make amends - so maybe he has some feelings - but I would just be aware. Online dating is only what you see on your computer screen - you never really know what these people are like in real life.
I would go carefully - follow your gut instinct! It's usually right!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): Cut the contact. Just keep pretending he doesn't exist. As soon as a player thinks he doesn't exist to you,he will do anything to get you back because he misses the attention. Don't give into it. Truth is he's probably "collecting" women and sexting lots of women when he's bored or you're not available. If he can lie about going on dates, he can lie about texting too. And if he can lie to you like this, imagine being with him . You'd constantly be worrying about it and never have your mind at ease.You deserve better than to be used and be "one" of his many women. Trust me I've been there and to find out that you're just a number is heartbreaking. As soon as he realises he can get away with cheating on you, he will continue to do it again and again because that is what attention seekers do, seek attention. And if he's not getting it from you, he will happily get it elsewhere.Sorry to be harsh, I know how bad it made me feel . Advice someone gave me :"Ignore him so bad, that he will question his own existence! "
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (1 July 2015):
 Hon, this guy is showing you who he really is - a liar, cheat and a jerk.
He is probably spending every free minute he has trolling the internet for women to chat to. He will never be faithful to any one woman.
He is only telling you that he did those things because he was doubting you - he is playing the guilt card on you and you are falling for it.
Tell him to take a hike - block him from your mobile etc.,
He is really not worth the effort.
...............................
|
