A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has been cheating for 1 year in Nov. We have been married 20 years. Why won't he ask for a divorce. He has come into an inheritance as of late and I was sure he would take the money and run! I took care of his father during his last days Do you think it is guilt? My husband and his girlfriend have plans for lunch tommorrow. We have a 14 year old. Why won't he ask for a divorce??????
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Leave him so he can harvest what he planted. It's that simple. Do not accept anything less than what you deserve. I learned that falling in love is complicated and when someone disrespects you by cheating...well.. that's not love. how can you love someone who hurt you so bad? He doesn't love you enough to be faithful to you. Period. He isn't worth your time. My best advice is to move on. You will find someone who does cherish you in everyway. It just takes time... go and ask for a divorce yourself. it's over it. you got to face and from now on start dating men. you are a free woman! think about yourself for once in your life.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I know few of the facts here but the fact that he is having sex with someone else does not mean that you have to divorce him. Life is more complex than "IF CHEAT THEN DIVORCE". You need to do whatever you feel creates the greatest amount of happiness for you and your daughter over the rest of your lives and that MIGHT involve overlooking your husband's failings and letting the issue pass.
Divorce is far too common these days. It does does huge damage, damage that lasts for decades in your child's soul.
You haven't told us much about your husband and how he treats you other than the cheating. Putting the cheating to one side, does he still love you, does he treat you with warmth and love? Is he good to your daughter? If, forgetting about the cheating, your husband is an unpleasant man to be with then by all means head for the door but I would suggest that if all that he is doing wrong is sleeping with someone else from time to time then there is no need to drop the atom bomb of divorce.
In my part of the world almost every prosperous man in his 40s has at least one mistress and wives generally put up with it so long as the rules are adhered to. After 6 or 7 years the thrill of having a younger mistress wanes and the sexual desire weakens and the mistresses become less important and the husband and wife are left to live out the remaining 20 or 30 years of their lives together, in love and to enjoy Golden Wedding Anniversaries and Grandchildren together.
The "Rules" as they apply in China: don't have children with the mistress, don't bring home any disease, don't flaunt your mistress in front of people that know your wife. Always be clear that your wife is number 1 and don't ever tell your mistress that you will leave your wife, don't discuss things that are personal to you and your wife with your mistress. Any gift that your mistress receives, your wife should receive 3 times the value. In every respect other than the infidelity be a model husband and father.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you every oneit is hard to believe how strangers have mad me feel less alone. I don't feel as embrassed about all of this chatting on line. Thamks again
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): you are very welcome OP.
just learn to love yourself IN SPITE of him and all your troubles. create your own happiness. and make other friends. go out alone and enjoy life. you deserve it
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlOVE girl thank you so much. Some times in the world to know other people understand is unlifting. I have friends but I can't reveil myself like this. I read in america there is a divorce every 50 seconds. I can do that any time I want. I feel what is best for my daughter and I is to stick it out just a little longer. I work every day I am not a freeloader but I have given everthing in this relationship to him and his family. I can wait and see I have confidence at times But I feel a haircut is in order. thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Glad he paid off the car.
He has been your hb for all these years. Honey, a few more months won't kill u. Just play the good wife, and take him for all the money u can. I suggest you create your own 'piss off fund' when the right time comes, u can piss off with the money u saved off him. Does this make u sneaky, Yep. But who cares. If u do not take care of yourself no one will.
Oh and while u are at it, get a new funky haircut, dress , lose a Few kgs if u have/need to. Become a new you. So yes invest in yourself and indulge in his new found wealth.
Be strategic and be a smooth operator. What do u have to lose. Basically milk him for what its worth and do not feel guilty at all. I am not telling u to become a. Bitch but merely advising u to take care of yourself. You should part take in his new found wealth, so if you think he will not stop his affair/ he has not stopped the affair, discreetly seek the services of an attorney.
Beat him at his own game. Good luck
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate Cheating husband paid off my car today.I guess guilt is a stonger emotion than I realized. I have been with this man since I was 22. He is unhappy in many ways.I have a lot of unanswered questions but I am not going to roll over and give her everthing just yet.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 November 2010):
If you're worried about Christmas, and can stomach leaving it until January, do that. But please don't remain in this marriage. Your husband is just appalling, and doesn't really deserve your daughter or you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I have had stronger days. I will be better whenI am off to work.Your compassion as struck a cord with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe don't talk about the affair. He said was not seeing her any more in July. But that is not true. I would like to stay together until my daughter goes to college. But i can't seem to control my emotions. I am trying to live 2 adults under the same roof but it is hard certain days I know they have been to lunch or etc. I don't want to give her a divorce for Christmas. S big decions have to wait until after Santa and my big vacation to Florida. What's that about/?. our swan song????
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 November 2010):
I know you you want what's best, of course you do. But if your daughter finds out that he is having an affair, and that you knew, that will make things worse. Not all men lie at all. Just some, specifically when they know they can get away with it.
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reader, cheannryl  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I agree with baddogbj,he cheated but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Men will always be men, it's their nature.haha,sorry.
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reader, baddogbj +, writes (12 November 2010):
Why would he ask for a divorce. The fact that he's having an affair doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. She's just a hobby.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for you help caring guy
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring Guy I now you are right but I want what is best for my daughter a divorce at 14 is the worst thing for her. He has planned a elabrate vacation for us in Dec because he came into the money there will bemore to come however maybe I should wait until I see the whole financial picture I worry about my daughter's college Do all men lie or all people? I wasn;t raised to lie. It seems he tells me one thing and her something else. I have heard several phone calls. He seems so happy when he talks to her so far no promises of a future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Why don't you ask him for a divorce? Sounds like you would be alot better off in the long run. It may well be guilt or he might just be having his cake and eating it!
How has it affected your relationship? Would he be willing to try and save it? From what you've put it doesn't sound like you really want to be with him anymore.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 November 2010):
The reason he wont' ask for a divorce is because he's got the best of both worlds. And both you and his mistress are allowing him to have the best of both worlds. He's got her for the thrill of sex, and such. He's got you at home with your child. I think you're looking for hidden meanings and signs where there are none. This isn't about guilt - if he was guilty he'd have stopped the affair. And it's not about money - he's the one who has it. He's staying because this way he can have it all and live the dream.
My advice to you is to divorce him on the grounds of adultery and take some of that inheritance that he's just come into. He's treating you and your child like dirt, and will continue to do so until you pull the plug on him. For your own sake, and the sake of your child, please leave him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Dear, honestly? why would he ever?
he cheated on you for a year and didn't leave, you found out but didn't leave him. In his eyes he is "having the cake and eating it too!"
You are the one who has to decide whether you want him or not. my suggestion, if you do.. make sure you photocopy all bank statements, investments you have, mortgage payments and the inheritance funds he just came by.. make sure to have evidence of the cheating going on (photo's, text messages, phone calls) and then file for a divorce. That way, at least you secure your future without him when the courts have to decide.
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