A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I did something terrible, now it is hurting my feelings. I took my hubby to the airport as he was going back to work. On my way home I pretended to be some other girl and texted him, to my surprise in that short time he promised to come visit and asked if could book a motel so that he could come for few days. My hubby has been cheating, I have caught him texting other women, dating online, he apologised and I forgave him, but since then, I have lost my trust, and the rest we just forcing matters in, I am so afraid to let him go coz we have a little girl turning four at the end of this month. The question is, how can I tell him it was me texting not some other girl. I am so angry, this was a little test, and he has proved it is in his blood, once a cheat, always a cheat. Please help me coz will be talking to him in 2 hours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): I wouldn't tell him anything except that you are leaving or he is whichever. He doesn't deserve an explanation. You will never trust him again, you have already tried you will be unhappy and that isn't good for your daughter you should just walk away leaving him with no explanation at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): text him as this other girl, and turn up at the hotel.
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A
female
reader, stepie82  +, writes (19 January 2009):
this is really tough if he did it to before and you texted him is still a least in the back of his mind and thats not good if nothing he has broken the trust between the two of you and its better to learn now than later good luck trust your gut not what other people tell you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): I'm of two minds on this one.
You just asked for it, like you said the first sentence, "I've done something terrible."
Don't immediately leave. Talk it over *CALMLY* and ask him if he CAN stop. Tell him that you don't trust him anymore, and that you can't forgive him.
Then, depending on what you and him agree on, you could leave or stay. I personally think you should leave, but there's more to consider, such as:
Income: would you be able to provide for your daughter and youself?
Housing+furniture: would you be able to find a suitable apartment/house? would you have to buy new funiture?
Your hubby himself: would he send money? Get out of your life? Or beg to be accepted back?
Sorry, I guess I left more questions then answers. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): You don't have anything to fear. What he has done is awful why should you feal like the one treadingon eggshells.
Don't make excuses for him.
Move out leave a letter on the bed this will save initial blame throwing. He will try to console himself by blaming you. There is no excuse for infidelity either emotional or sexual.
If he wants to be with you let him prove this to you, let him come to you with whatever it takes for you to trust him again. If you can't trust him you will put yoursellf through stress and believe me that is awful....i am there now!
This is what i should have done, but like many others didn't.
ven though he says that he has no contact i am not allowed to approach the question or he gets really upset and the arguments start. I want to beleive my huusband and i honestly hope he is being honest, but my stomach is in a constnat knot and i feel sick every day. One day i hope my nightmares stop.
Love is painful.
Good luck and i really admire the way you have dealt with this so far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): You can easy tell to my opinion that it was you, that you had the feeling that he was cheating on you and that you had to find out. For me nothing wrong with what you did.
You followed your intuition and you got the confirmation that your feelings were right.
Try to find out the real reasons why he did. Was it because of the excitement and he is a born cheater or because your relation (sexual and in general) is not close to what he is expecting of it or other reasons.
You are not trusting him, what will support to be more correct about your feelings learning the real reasons.
You mentioned the age of you child. She is still very young and at this age it will be more easy to handle a divorce then 10 years later.
Try to find out what you (both) really want and expect of the life, get professional help.
Don't forget to look in the mirror, 2 people fighting, 2 people made mistakes.
Also try to remember objective how your realation started and how it developed.
Wish you a wise time, good luck.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (18 January 2009):
 I honestly have to agree with pastfirst on this one, you need to tell him what you did and how he completely failed this small test you set him.
Your antennas are going ten to the dozen right now and living on a time bomb of a cheating husband is NO life for you or your little girl.
Once a cheat always a cheat as you say and believe me a leopard never changes it's spots.
Don't settle for second best, he has promised to change his ways before but that hasn't obviously happened. He knows he can get away with it and you forgiving him and living a lie is never going to make him think twice about doing it again.
You need to make a stand and also make a plan sweetheart. Do you honestly think it is the right environment for your daughter to grow up in, oh daddy sees other women and mummy forgives him every time, this is not a life for you it is just an existence and you deserve so much more than that and so does your daughter.
In 10 years time you may possibly still have a marriage if you continue to look the other way and live a lie by staying in the marriage but don't be surprised when your daughter turns round to you and says I have NO RESPECT for you mum as you let dad trample all over you and our family life and she then decides to treat men in the same way her father treats women, love them and leave them or just have casual sex whenever he wants to.
You deserve a man who wants to be with you and ONLY you, who is there as a proper man and who can be a full time friend or father figure to your daughter. She does not deserve someone who is so afraid about his fatherly responsibilities that he runs into another woman's arms as soon as going gets tough. Your daughter is reaching the age of being extremely knowing and so you need to make the move NOW before it is too late as believe me it is much better for your daughter at 4 than at 6/7 or later.
Be strong, you are a mother and you want the best possible future for her and yourself and that is obviously not with a lying, cheating scum bag who thinks only of himself and what he can get. Are you going to keep looking the other way until he brings home a nice sexually transmitted disease, don't do it.
Start getting tough and let your family be there for you and friends, I bet you have swept this under the carpet for so long that none of them know the truth. Let them be there for you and gain strength from their help.
Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself what an attractive and vibrant woman you are and you are a mother who is not prepared to take any more crap, you have being doing it for far too long but we have one life here and you have to make the most of it so you need stability and a happy home and right now you have an existence. Get strong and get a little angry as that will give you the strength you need. You entered into your marriage full of hope and optimism but he has squashed all of that for his own selfish reasons.
OK we all have a part in the fact that affairs happen but you can either stand up to them and work things out with some couple counselling maybe but he would have to agree to that and he doesn't probably think there is a problem in your relationship. He could be jealous of your relationship/bond you have with your daughter and feels he needs other female company as it has somehow got lost after the birth of your daughter, that can be common but you either solve it or you move on.
The choice is really yours but you cannot live a lie for the rest of your life.
Take care and remember, STAY STRONG AND POSITIVE. Decide now what you want out of life OK.
Let us know how it goes.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (18 January 2009):
I dont think there is anything wrong in what you did really. You did what you had to do to get proof. I know its always hard to truly believe someones cheating unless you have real proof.
Its not terrible what you did- although your husband may try to make out like it was- but that is just him trying to move the attention away from him the horrible cheater, to you. Dont let him do that!!
Becuase in the end, if he has nothing to hide, you should be able to go through his phone and he wouldnt care etc.
I understand that part of the reason you are staying with him is because of your child, but have you ever heard of the saying 'children would rather be from a broken home, then be in one'.
Your child needs a happy mum, and a happy father. If you and him stay together, you arent going to be happy, there is no trust, and he has cheated on you! Your child deserves so much more then that.
If its finance problems you are worried about then maybe you could get some support for a while from family or close friends. Dont worry about asking for help, it doesnt make you weak, it makes you strong. And it might just mean that you will have to cut back on some of lifes luxuries- but it will be worth it in the end, because like they say, money does not buy happiness.
If you do still decide to stay with him, then I would suggest you only stay with him on one condition- you both get marriage counselling and he gets some one on one counselling for himself to work through why he is cheating, and you yourself may like to see a counsellor for some support. I really feel for what you are going through, its such a horrible thing and you deserve so much more!
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): What puzzles me is that your husband didn't realise it was you doing the texting. Surely he has your phone number in his phone, which would show your ID whenever you texted or phoned him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Hi. Am in same situation as yours.My hubby of 10 yrs is cheating on me. I'm sorry... I know I shouldn't advise you as I'm in a mess like yours. But do you know what are the advise I got from my friends... 1) Approach him. and I did. But it didn't worked. He still seeing the girl. 2) Pretend that you don't know anything. I also tried this for 2 months. I didn't asked where he goes... why he didn't come home... but he didn't stopped either. 3) Left the kids with him for a week. This didn't worked either. I'm still trying to gather strengths (trying to think +vely) to leave him. I'm still not sure if I can because of my 3 kids and I love him so much. He's my husband! If you approached him like I did. He'll say that it's over between him and her. I know... he's only saying that to make us keep quiet. I'm aware that he's torturing me mentally... and I'm letting him. But... I just still can't let him go.I hope you are stronger than me.
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (18 January 2009):
 I've noticed that when adults play games, they always backfire.
Trust is one of the basics of any relationship. You obviously don't trust him and he's obviously a cheat, so as dificult as it may be for you and your little girl, the best thing would be to call your marriage quits.
If you don't say anything to your husband about your "little test" you'll just be living a lie. I think you should own up but be prepared for a show down.
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