A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 years old and found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks ago. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and thought things were fizzled out, I looked for company else where. I have never cheated on him before and can’t believe I did it this time! I did not sleep with the other person he only fingered me I am pretty sure he did not have any pre cum on his hands but I am just racked with guilt and feel I cannot enjoy this pregnancy while everyone around me is happy for us. Abortion is not really an option as we have been trying for a baby for a while now so I am not hoping to miscarry so I can get this part of my life over with even though I know the baby is my boyfriends I do not want that worry hanging over me. Someone please help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2018): Simply think about how you would want the situation to be if it were the other way around. Personally I would need to know. How I would handle it... I don’t know. But if you’re feeling this way now and you shoulder the guilt to the point where you get ill, can’t keep it secret any more and blurt it out in 5 years, with a child to think of, it’ll be so much worse. Tell him now whilst it’s still fresh and let it be treated as a mistake rather than a skeleton in the closet that can ruin both your lives. Please respect him and let him know the truth. Maybe you are harboring doubts about your relationship? Hence cheating in the first place? But it’s true, we all make mistakes. Sometimes very big mistakes. But there is no hiding from them. It had happened, learn from it but deal with it in the respectful way it needs to be dealt with. This is the best chance for things to work out. Even if you have to chicken out and write him a letter first of all instead of face to face. Sometimes a letter can allow you to truly put your thoughts, fears and feelings down. That’s just a suggestion though.I don’t think you’ll be able to live with it if you are writing on here. I don’t think I could. Don’t eat yourself alive for something you can’t change but do what’s right for you and him and let him know as soon as possible. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2018): I am 100 percent in agreement with N91.
You cheated and you broke the contract of your relationship, period. There are no excuses for what you did, and being pregnant does NOT excuse your despicable actions. Tell him the truth. He shouldn't be forced into living a lie. Let him make his own choices. Just like you did.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2018): I 100% agree with 'youcannotbeserious.' Forgive yourself and let it go.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 September 2018):
 You ask, "How long will this guilt take to ease off"? It will take as long as you ALLOW it to take. You already know and acknowledge you messed up, now forgive yourself and move on to thinking about more important things like your relationship and, MOST importantly, the baby growing inside you. While you are beating yourself up, you could be affecting the health of your baby. Take a deep breath, draw a line under what happened and move on.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 September 2018):
 What is most surprising is that everyone's going on about you and your boyfriend and no one's saying anything about the little person who's taking life within you! For heaven's sake spare a thought for the baby!! This is not the best way to bring an innocent little baby into this world! Your mental health will reflect on the life inside you and 9 months followed by a lifetime and well... Let's just say it's not going to be easy.
You need to take some decisions and you need to take them now.
Do you want the baby? If you're still undecided then you should consider giving the baby up for adoption so that someone who really wants a child but can't have one, will give your child the life he/she deserves.
Let's say you plan on keeping the baby and you were to hide the truth from your boyfriend. Do you think your relationship will last?
How do you plan to provide for the child?
Does your family know that you're pregnant?
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 September 2018):
 How are people honestly advising to sweep cheating under the carpet? How do you cheat on someone that you love? It's not possible, if you cheat on someone then you don't love them, it's as simple as that.
If it breaks him then so be it, accept the consequences of your actions, you're a big girl.
The other posters are right, everyone makes mistakes, we're only human after all. But cheating is the biggest disrespect that you can give to a partner, it's not quite the same as forgetting to throw the old milk out or forgetting to cancel a dental appointment you can't attend is it? I find it extremely alarming that multiple people are acting like it's no big deal. If I was cheated on I'd like to be informed as soon as possible so I could leave the relationship, no way go this earth would I want to stay with a cheat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I have messed up bad here and am paying the price. I don’t think there is a chance that it could get out (he was in a relationship too) I know we all make mistakes but never thought I’d end up in this situation. I am around 6 weeks now and this is not how I visioned my first pregnancy. Deep down I do not want to miscarry of course I want this baby just going through alsorts of emotions atm. How long will this guilt take to ease off, will it ever? I have been his rock for the past 5 years and don’t think he would cope with this sort of heartbreak. We have been getting on well since I found out and hoping it will stay like that . I am absolutely racked with guilt and loosing sleep over it most nights.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 September 2018):
 OP, the guilt won't go until you own up. Few people who advocate for keeping it to yourself would be happy to stay with someone who cheated, just because they didn't know. I wouldn't want to be with someone who cheated on me and I hope they'd have the decency not to take that decision away from me by hiding it.
You're not ready to be a parent. Please, OP. See a doctor and a therapist. Whether you tell your boyfriend or not, you're clearly not ready. Your relationship is struggling, which a baby will make worse, not better. You cheated when feeling lonely, but how will you cope with the loneliness and frustration a baby brings?
Whatever you decide, you have to be realistic.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 September 2018):
Wow! I think the aunts are all a bit grumpy today (which is rather unlike them, I promise).
Sweetheart, you made a mistake. We have ALL made mistakes in our lives. If there is no chance of your boyfriend finding out about your little bout of recklessness, then shoulder the burden of the guilt and use it as a lesson never to cheat again. Next time you are tempted, remember how you feel now and that will help to steer you away from the temptation.
The thing which worries me most about your post is that this was - in your eyes, at least - a dead relationship until you found out you were pregnant. While they are wonderful in the right circumstances, babies are bloody hard work and certainly not to be used as a sticking plaster to hold together a failing relationship. The financial, emotional and physical burden of bringing up a baby will take its toll on your already failing relationship.
What I am trying to say is, are you ready to be a single parent? You don't sound ready to be ANY sort of parent to be honest, so going it alone is probably going to terrify the proverbial out of you.
It may be that your boyfriend will step up and be a responsible father. For your sake, and most of all for the baby's sake, I hope this is so. However, if your relationship fails and he decides to walk away from both you and the baby, you need to have a back-up plan.
Sending hugs. You sound terrified. Forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect. However, you now need to step up and take responsibility for this life you have created and put the baby first.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): I agree with the guy telling you not to tell your boyfriend. If you're certain this was a mistake and will never happen again, and you're SURE you love him, keep this a secret and dont tell anyone. If you didn't have sex with the guy then I don't really see how it is going to be the other guys baby. But this secret in a box and dont mention it. Everyone posting on here, you'd think they'd never ever made a mistake. From what you say, this was a one off and you don't usually cheat. Just make sure you never ever do it again. Sometimes it takes a mistake like this to realise the consequences of your actions- learn from your mistakes and make sure you never do this ever again. Just think how much worse it would be of you had actually slept with the guy. If you tell your boyfriend it will cause unnecessary stress, ruin the trust, and you're just about to have a baby, that's not what you need. I'm not condoning cheating but what's done is done. Cheating is a lot more common then people would have you believe, just learn from your mistakes and let it go. Just make sure you treat him right and be good to him, realise that this situation could have been even worse (STDs) and learn from your mistakes. Now stop worrying, let go, and enjoy your pregnancy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): FGS what kind of a cockeyed advice are you giving this poster? Listen to me girl. If you regret what you have done (I mean cheating) and if you want to go back to your bf and work things out and be faithful to him then DONT tell him. Keep what happened in the deepest of your deep memory. This is clearly a mistake you have made and learned your lesson. We all make mistakes in our lives. Even some of the aunts here I am sure have made mistakes. Go back to your bf, have the baby and if things dont work out with him as hoped then sit and decide where you want to go from there.
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female
reader, Blod +, writes (24 September 2018):
 You have to tell your boyfriend you cheated on him. It'd be fairer on everyone for you to tell the truth now before the pregnancy progresses even further.
It's not a 'harmless one time'. Yeah, maybe it didn't mean anything and you didn't actually sleep with him and you don't normally do things like this, but the fact is you still cheated.
You brought this on yourself so if your boyfriend is devastated, you've only got yourself to blame. It'd be incredibly unfair to bring a baby into the world with a man you don't seem sure of and a secret like this hanging over you. It's not just about you. You have to tell your boyfriend the truth so that you can make a fair decision together.
You say you want to get this part of your life over with. That'll only happen if you face up to your actions.
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reader, N91 +, writes (24 September 2018):
Oh wow.
What an awful attitude to have. You’re hoping to miscarry? When there’s families out there that can’t have their own child?
YOU are the one that created this mess so own up to it! Why should your BF have to stay with a cheat? You decided to stray from him, there was nothing keeping you together, if the spark had gone then why didn’t you leave? There’s no excuse for cheating so stop trying to make one.
Own up to your BF, tell him what you did and then it’s his decision whether he wants to stay with you or not, stop being such a coward. You’re an adult, so act like one instead of trying to sweep this under the carpet as a ‘harmless one time thing’ if it’s so harmless then tell your BF, he won’t mind right? Get this guilt off your chest considering you want it gone.
Grow a backbone, tell your BF what you did and then decide whether to keep the baby or not. Bringing a child in a loveless relationship WILL NOT fix it, so don’t bring a poor child into a shitty situation, see whether your BF wants to stay with you first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): I agree with Andie's Thoughts. You aren't ready to be a parent. You won't have an abortion but you hope to miscarry? Do yourself a favor and get the abortion and don't feel guilty. You don't state how far along you are, but likely it's an embryo and not a fetus yet.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 September 2018):
 I read your post and I see a VERY selfish person. You.
It's all about you.
YOU don't want the "worry" to hang over you. What about your BF? What about how HE might feel? He finally got you pregnant but how HAPPY do you think he will be when you tell him you cheated?
YOU have no intentions of telling him, have you? Because it seems to me that you THINK this baby is his... and having a child will fix an otherwise dull relationship that probably HAD it's expiration date a while back.
A baby doesn't fix a relationship that has "fizzled out".
While I have no doubt you feel some guilt about cheating... YOU obviously still try and put the "blame " on the fact that the relationship was dead in the water... YET 1. you didn't END it and find a better partner 2. you didn't tell him you cheated right away.
So what are your plans? To tell or not tell?
To be a decent person or not.
YOUR choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes sorry I was saying I hope I miscarry but deep down I don’t I just want this guilt gone and this part of my life left behind but I’ll have to ride it out because this isn’t going anywhere. This would destroy my boyfriend and can’t risk it getting out all for a harmless one time. This happened on 13th aug I slept with my boyfriend the next day and a on the 19th. I have never done anything like this before and don’t plan on it ever again
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2018): Perhaps you were very upset when your wrote this:
"Abortion is not really an option as we have been trying for a baby for a while now so I am not hoping to miscarry so I can get this part of my life over with even though I know the baby is my boyfriends I do not want that worry hanging over me."
You're not making any sense. You say you and your boyfriend have been trying for a baby. Which makes not one lick of sense; if your relationship is fizzling-out. Babies don't fix dying relationships; they complicate them!
You must have left-out something; because you don't explain where there was a separation in your relationship, that you should think the baby is not his. When did you last have sex with your boyfriend? You confuse the issue by saying you know it's your boyfriend's; but mention abortion not being an option???
You've apparently announced the pregnancy, in order for others to happy for you. If you didn't have intercourse, the likelihood of the other guy being the father is very slim.
If he had ejaculate on his hand, perhaps; but I think you should just confine your guilt to cheating. Unless you're trying to say you hope to miscarry; instead of saying what you wrote in your post. You should rewrite your post to make more sense, my dear.
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 September 2018):
Hoping you miscarry? Girl, get yourself to the doctor to terminate the pregnancy. Wishing a miscarriage is not okay because it’s traumatic and not under a doctor’s supervision, not a simple “get rid of the problem” situation.You clearly aren’t ready to be a parent, so keeping the foetus shouldn’t be considered. Go to the doctor!Then own up to your boyfriend about cheating. Trying for a while doesn’t make you ready. People who are ready are committed - you’re not married and cheated. There’s no security here.I’m sorry, OP, but you’re not ready. Go to the doctor to discuss your options.
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