A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Exactly a year ago I posted this:I was in a wonderful relationship for over a year and we were really deep in love with one another. Then one day I went for coffee with a guy I used to love and we slept together. I told my boyfriend right after that happened. He decided a week later to break up.That was a year ago, and I am still feeling terrible for what happened. I cannot forgive myself and cannot move on. I wish he could give me another chance but he just wouldn't. Everyday I wake up depressed and go to bed depressed. I don't know what to do with my life and there's so much regret and self-hatred in me. What can I do?******So yeah, it's been two years. I began a new relationship last Nov with a guy who loves me a lot. But everything just doesn't seem right, and I don't know if he is not the right person or it is my problem. Like he slept with a tons of people while my ex was very careful and wouldn't even make out with random girls. Everything my ex does - piano, tennis, or even juggling (I know this is silly) - requires a lot of discipline and determination, while my current boyfriend doesn't show any of these. I don't want to compare but I do miss my ex a lot. Last night I had one of those dreams again in which my ex forgave me. I woke up and was in tears. I can't accept that I lost someone so perfect and kind because I was so impulsive, irresponsible and terrible. I love my boyfriend but I don't know if I could ever love him more than my ex. I want to, but somehow I am stuck. I am afraid that this is going to be the rest of my life.
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, miss my ex, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lou88  +, writes (17 March 2012):
hi, it sounds like to me that you need to learn from the mistake you made when sleeping with someone else while in a relationahip. that is the elephant in the room. i dont approve of cheating but it doesnt mean it doesnt happen and people are genuinely sorry for it.
with the guy your currently with, he doesnt sound like he's good to you. i have learnt from pervious experiences that if you think it doesnt feel right chances are it isnt. always trust you gut.
i have massive trust issues due to things that have happened to me in the past and the one thing i found to help is to be singl for a while. completely abolish men out my life and although i havent got over my isssues completely i am able to trust.
with your situation, i believe that spending sometime on your own may help, you will in time forgive yourself and in time hopefully your ex will also. your dreams are your subconciouss reminding you of you want but him forgiving you will come but with TIME.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 March 2012):
 I think it would be best if you find a way to accept that your ex is not going to take you back. Perhaps you are having these dreams of him because you feel guilty and you know you made a mistake..one that your ex will not allow you to fix. You do seem to be in a pattern in your relationships and its NOT a good one. If you don't really truly love someone and want to be just with them, then you shouldn't be dating them unless they are ok with having an open relationship. You want a relationship but yet once you get one, you don't know what you want, or you want what you can't have. NOT GOOD. Stop dating for awhile, and find out what it is you truly want. And remember..sometimes you can't always have what you want..its life. Please seek out counseling too, it might truly help you to know yourself. I wish you luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I see no reason to judge you for what you did as it is obvious you have paid, and continue to pay, the price for your actions.
The thing is, you need to accept that you will not get your ex back. No matter how much you loved him, the decision you made is one that many people cannot forgive. You had the right to do what you wanted, but he had the right to walk away and that is what he chose to do.
You may not ever find someone else who has every single thing going for them that your ex-boyfriend did, and you need to accept that, or you're destined for a wealth of misery and disappointment as you continue to date different people in search of what you once had. In the meantime, it's not fair to measure all partners current and future against this idealized standard set by your ex.
For one thing, no one is perfect, your ex included. If he was perfect and your relationship was perfect you would not have been inclined to look elsewhere, not even for a minute. Nostalgia can put a really lovely varnish on almost anything but if you were looking anywhere other than your then-bf for affection or validation then something in the relationship was fundamentally awry.
For another, no one wants to be with someone who considers them a poor stand-in for the person they really want. I'm sure your current boyfriend has no idea that this is how you think of him but I don't doubt that it affects what you put into the relationship on your end. You can't give someone all your heart if your ex still occupies it so strongly, and it's not fair to keep stringing this guy along while you pine for someone you clearly feel was better in every way. You need to let this guy go so he can find a girl to whom he IS as perfect as your ex was to you, and you should probably take a break from dating to work through this issue. Seek counseling, if need be. But you're not going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with someone until you're able to put the past behind you and accept what the future has in store. Best of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Most guys would not feel better knowing that you cheated on them out of "only" strong physical lust. Given the choice between the two guys, most of us would rather be the guy that you were overcome with lust for. The love of an unfaithful woman does not impress us.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Thanks for all your responses, but I do feel that I need to clarify certain things.
My feeling for my ex is love, a kind of love that I have not felt before or since. What I had for the guy I cheated with was purely physical attraction. I never for once thought I'd trade my ex for him. It was a terrible mistake that many would argue I could have avoided only had I used my consciousness.
That is no parallel to my current situation. What happens now is that with a conscious mind I want to move on - I am even determined to - but I find it emotionally so difficult.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 March 2012):
I agree with the others. You seem to have a real problem with moving on from the past, whether it's your ex, or the ex before that who you cheated with.
I think the time has come for you to seriously sit down and look at your life as a whole. I don't know what has caused you to consistently look back, but you need to find out what it is. Perhaps the problem is that you're looking for a man to fill some kind of gap in your life that you need to be filling elsewhere.
As for the new guy, let him go before this gets worse and you cheat again. You need to look at your life and decide what it really is that you're missing, rather than just going from one guy to another and pining for each ex.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 March 2012):
 I'll make a note in my calendar book to watch for your next year's submittal. "Sounds" to me like you have no intention of improving your life.... you just like to update your post every 365 days (366, this year)....
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 March 2012):
 I feel for you but you do know that you aren't being totally fair to the new guy. Does he know how much you loved your former boyfriend? Does he know that you are still carrying that torch? Doesn't he deserve to be loved that much as well? Maybe you should let him go and let him find someone who will love him 100%. You may find a guy who can fill your former's shoes and then some, I mean if you cheated on him then maybe he really wasn't your one true love anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 March 2012):
 You haven't learned anything, have you? You were with the guy for a year, cheated on him with a former flame, and blew up your relationship.
Now, you met a new guy, yet you're pining after a previous relationship? Can you not see the similarity??
The only thing you can do is move forward. If you don't, you'll hurt your current boyfriend, and then with the next boyfriend, you'll pine for your current boyfriend, and on and on we go.
Keep your head in the present. Stop looking backwards, and if you're truly sorry about cheating, then show it by not thinking about other guys like this when you're in a new relationship.
Want to change? Then live your life truly loyal to who you're with.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): You need to think about it as an experience of life and move on and not hurt the guy you are with...I know it's hard to move on..
But you gotta try harder...and not have regrets in life..mistakes are committed by one and all...to err is human but to forgive is divine. Remember that and enjoy your life...!!!
Best of luck
Cheers
Pj
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Yeah ill recommend counseling.
...............................
A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (14 March 2012):
I am in basically the same situation you are in. We broke up about 6 months ago. I basically emotionally cheated on her. I didnt do it on purpose I was really drunk and went on facebook and I thought i was talking to her but it was someone else. I am currently involved with this girl I just met. we are pretty much dating but it still doesnt feel right and we havnt put a title on us yet. Im still not over my ex 100%.. Im pretty much over her but just not quite there. I still need some time before i can date again. I feel like what you did with you ex was because you were not over your other ex. What is going through your head right now with your boyfriend is due to the fact you arent over your ex. My point is even though it has been awhile since you and your ex were together, you arent over him. Your rushing into being in a relationship when you are just not emotionally ready. You need to reevaluate your life. Take time away from being in a relationship. Get lost and find yourself. The path you are currently headed down doesnt seem like you will change. You are thinking about your ex. But your in a relationship. You will always be comparing your ex to your boyfriend. It really wont work. You cant think about someone else when you start a relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): You just need to stop dating for a while and find out who you are as a person. If you cheat on someone esp. if you are claiming they are "good" you didn't love them----it's that simple. You may have had feelings of like or care, but no way did you love him. And if I were ex, I would never take you back---not out of revenge or anything, but I wouldn't be able to trust you and I wouldn't be willing to do the work to trust you either. Plus, in my mind, the fact that you cheated on a whim like that shows me that you would probably be capable of having a fling with anyone whether it be someone in your past or some stranger you met walking down the street. You maybe sorry----which most people are for the time being seeing the person they hurt are no longer in they're lives, but that isn't an indication that you have changed somehow. You need to work on yourself, get out of this current relationship and don't even bother contacting your ex boyfriend----let him move on, heal and find someone who will never, ever cheat on him.
...............................
|
