A
male
age
51-59,
*ostandconfused1967
writes:Here's my predicament... I've been married 17 years, contently, i would say, but not always happily. I love my wife but am not in love. we have two children (14 and 7). Two years ago, I started an affair with a co-worker. She and I each seemed to be missing something at home, and had the affair with the intent of just having a good time, to ease the stress of everyday stuff. Unfortunately, we quickly fell madly in love. Our thoughts started to wander towards having a life together, but I feel a tremendous responsibility to be the father my children need, and that means being with them. Eventually her marriage crumbled, she's now single; she broke things off with me as soon as that happened. Her reasoning is that because I did not leave my family, that means I don't love her. I told her all along that while i love her to death, I could not live with abandoning my children. And that truly is what is keeping me from her. I basically had to choose between my kids and her, and chose my kids. Logically, I know that was the right thing to do. The problem is I'm miserable without her. I can't sleep, can't eat, have lost 8 lbs. in 3 weeks. I'm slipping up both at home and at work. I don't know what to do with myself without her. I want to be there for my kids, but I feel like I'm watching my chance at true happiness slip away. Any help / advice is welcome.
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affair, at work, co-worker, fell in love Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Yuvia  +, writes (19 December 2009):
Dear friend, I can totally relate to your situation since my situation is very similar.
If you want to forget her you need to try doing things you like to keep yourself busy. Think that even if you left your family things may not have worked out with her any ways and you would end up without her and loose your family. Remember that we do not know people for real until we live with them. When you start thinking about her, get busy with something else. It helps me to listen to music, but not romantic music. Hope it helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): i think you should be with her, the kids can still have you all the time, one day your kids will grow up and this woman will have had to move on and then you will always regret losing her
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): "I can't sleep, can't eat, have lost 8 lbs. in 3 weeks." shame!
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A
female
reader, asdfjkl;  +, writes (2 December 2009):
talk to your wife.. is she happy?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): Dear Lost, you are actually NOT confused. Your lover knew what she was getting into. You owe her nothing. She is now clinging and becoming a burden instead of just your side f*ck. She tried to pressurised you to pick her instead of the kids. This tells you the type of person she is- who would you even consider being with her. She is an emotional blackmailer. You both knew the score and SHE CHOOSE to move the goalpost. She is making you feel guilty for being a family man and basically she wants to destroy your home. DO NOT LET HER. Do not get me wrong - You do not deserve my sympathy at all, you have behaved pathetically and you are an adulterer. But you have done one thng right by NOT CHOOSING your f*ck buddy over your kids.
WARNING To all women who want to embark on an affair with a married man -. “Firstly, one responder called me out for not being straight about the affair being for "kicks"; that was a mutual agreement from the jump. We each had no intentions of leaving our families, that was established at the outset. Secondly, she did not leave her husband to be with me. By the time she left her husband, I had been clear and honest about my intentions to live up to my responsibilities with my children. She left him due to things he did to her which I will not go into.” These are the words and thought process of an adulterer. It is scary but true. He cares NOTHING for his mistress. He set out the rules of the f*cking and well she got burnt. Now he will carry on like the dutiful hb he likes to believe he is, the good father as well. Women, run away from men like this. They only want the good times, they will use you, abuse you emotionally and turn your life up side down. Iin the end they will destroy you, then leave you to play happy homes!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I'm slipping up both at home and at work.” Dear lost and perhaps not so confused, be careful you do not slip up too much at home. Your wife may just catch you out then you will be without wife and mistress. Then your luck would have really run out! Well, my friend, for 2 years you have been f*cking around behind the wifes back, lets hope she has been getting emotional support(and who knows what else) from a good friend. After all what is good for you is even better for her. Wouldn’t it be funny to go without wife and mistress, imagine how much more miserable you would be!!!!!! No decent wife to go home to, no warm home, no kids to love and certainly no mistress to ease your sexual tension. Life is just fair!!!!!!!!!
your mistress should count her blessings that she is not with you anymore.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Yet she says "that because I did not leave my family, that means I don't love her." Why is it that she wants you two to be together while you say that you mutually agreed to partake in infidelity without commitments. Surely, if things are as you say she would not have become emotionally involved with you and it would have been only a physical relationship to ease the stress of daily life. I find that you will not accept the fact consciously that YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE TOO MUCH TO LEAVE HER TO BE WITH YOUR LOVER. So your co-worker is right that you no not love her enough and you are still using your kids as an excuse to NOT face up to your worldly reality and you are using your co-worker because she made different assumptions that don't agree with your interpretion of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, lostandconfused1967 +, writes (27 November 2009):
lostandconfused1967 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who took the time to respond, it is appreciated. Just want to make a couple of things clear that I may not have in my original question. Firstly, one responder called me out for not being straight about the affair being for "kicks"; that was a mutual agreement from the jump. We each had no intentions of leaving our families, that was established at the outset. Secondly, she did not leave her husband to be with me. By the time she left her husband, I had been clear and honest about my intentions to live up to my responsibilities with my children. She left him due to things he did to her which I will not go into.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): bottom line- she made you choose, either your kids or her. so of course you choose to be a father instead of just a part time father.
does your wife even know that a third party is involved. why are you so selfish to steal her life while you were getting down and dirty with this other woman. who was taking care of the kids while you were lapping it up with the mistress - the wife of course. if she was so bad why did you marry her.
wake up, smell the shit you have created around you and start acting like the decent hb and father you once were.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): You are using your kids as a crutch.
You STARTED the affair and purposely "had the affair with the intent of just having a good time, to ease the stress of everyday stuff." In other words for kicks. You never intended to divorce your wife and family. You had sex with another woman, another woman you knew, a co-worker because you wanted to and you felt entitled to do it, damn your wife's feelings and opinion on the matter.
Now that the other woman, your co-worker that you also knew well, has shown she has an opinion and feelings on the matter you've decided not to be upfront with her and tell her that you were with her for kicks. You never intended to have a relationship with her were you would break up your family and be with her. Unfortunately for you, she had the guts to carry out what she said she would and she has shown you to not be a man of your word if you told her you were with her because you would divorce as well. You stared the affair with her and not the other way around.
I find it telling that your wife doesn't figure into your narrative. Could it be that the real reason you are miserable is because you don't have the guts to face your duplicitous nature? You've lost weight because you've looked deep into yourself and you've found a man whom you do not know, is weak and is refusing to face the situation he has created.
Stop lying to yourself and acknowledge that you were just using the other woman, your co-worker.
p.s.
"I've been married 17 years, contently, i would say, but not always happily. Contently means happily. You are voicing a contradiction in your first sentence.
"I love my wife but am not in love [with my wife]" is illogical. If you mean that you do not have the same type of erotic love that you had when you first met that is normal as you've been with her 17 years.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (27 November 2009):
 It's really easy to fall in love with someone you always see at their best. You've never had to deal with your mistress when she's PMSing; she's never had to deal with you farting in bed or washing your dirty underwear. The two of you have never had to deal with the day-to-day stress of family life--kids, bills, sickness--so of course life with her seems perfect in your mind. Rarely does the reality match up with the fantasy, and in another 17 years you may find that you love this woman, but are not in love with her. Sound familiar?
Instead of pining away from this woman, have you considered putting any effort into your marriage? You might be surprised to find that your wife is actually less-than-thrilled with you, too, and may want out of this marriage. In any event, you owe it to your kids to TRY to make things work, including seeking marital counseling to get at the root of your dissatisfaction. If in the end you still end up divorcing, at least you can look your kids in the eyes and honestly tell them you made an effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): You have been maried 17 years to a woman who loves you, put up with you and helps raise your 2 children. YOU NEED AND OWE IT TO HER TO GO TO COUNCELING. Cheating on your wife of 17 years- a woman who you has not done anything to be treated this way- is just plain irresponsible. I understand that you are infatuated with this other woman. But where is your maturity level? The woman who you are "in love with" left as soon as times got tough- and wants you to choose her or your children?!!! Lets face it. The woman you had an affair with, the life you envision is good only until reality sets in.
As for the reply above. How good is it for your children to see you leave your wife of 17yrs for your mistress, the girl you "hooked up with" to "ease the stress of everyday stuff" ? You're in pain and i understand. But stop being selfish and get family couseling. If you decide that you "mistress" really is the love of your life, how fair is it to start a life on such tainted terms?
It is NEVER OK to have an affair- everyone gets hurt. Try to do the right thing and be honest with your wife and your children. Get help and Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (27 November 2009):
 Ending a marriage to be with someone you love doesn't have to mean abandoning your kids. As long as you always maintain your relationship with them, and shoulder your finacial responsibilities to them, you haven't abandoned them. It's your current relationship with your wife you are leaving behind, not the kids. Living a lie with your wife isn't doing her any favours either, she's entitled to honesty. Happy marriages don't breed affairs, so though you've deceived your wife, it wouldn't have happened unless there was something fundamentally wrong. Show her the respect she deserves and you never know, you may end up friends with her and get to be with your real love. Win win. Don't wait until you're old to realise how short life is.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (27 November 2009):
It's really easy to fall in love with someone you always see at their best. You've never had to deal with your mistress when she's PMSing; she's never had to deal with you farting in bed or washing your dirty underwear. The two of you have never had to deal with the day-to-day stress of family life--kids, bills, sickness--so of course life with her seems perfect in your mind. Rarely does the reality match up with the fantasy, and in another 17 years you may find that you love this woman, but are not in love with her. Sound familiar?
Instead of pining away from this woman, have you considered putting any effort into your marriage? You might be surprised to find that your wife is actually less-than-thrilled with you, too, and may want out of this marriage. In any event, you owe it to your kids to TRY to make things work, including seeking marital counseling to get at the root of your dissatisfaction. If in the end you still end up divorcing, at least you can look your kids in the eyes and honestly tell them you made an effort.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): If you're not happy with your wife you're not doing your kids any favours. Growing up my parents weren't loving toward each other. It hurts the kids, and affects the way they think about going into relationships.Just because you are not with your wife wouldn't mean you would be abadoning your kids, and may actually be better for them than having them watch you in a loveless marriage.Kids learn what they see, would you want them to stay in a marriage where they weren't happy just because they figured if dad did it then it must be right?
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