A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 46 and broke, my previous husband took me to the cleaners, I became homeless and had to live with another family for 6 months until I got on my feet. I have now managed to do this and have met a man who is wealthy. He won't pay for meals when we go out, I have to pay my way everywhere and cannot afford it. He has asked me to go on an overseas holiday and I have used points to pay for my ticket however he wants me to pay for half the hotel and meals tours etc. I cannot afford it.I go to his place a few times a week and buy food for dinner and cook and he never offers money.He has been overley generous with his ex-wife and is very generous to his son and not so with his daughter. I am wondering if I am dealing with a nutter and should just move on to someone who doesn't put money first.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 In my world, when you are in love with someone it's a package deal. My wife and I spend from the same pot of money, no matter who contributes more. I happily paid for lots of things when we first met. I wanted to make the relationship work and was pursuing her. That was my choice. It can be difficult for a man though. The guy has to offer his heart and his wallet. The woman gets to choose if she wants it. The scale is not really balanced but i has been this way since the beginning of time. The man brings all his bobbles and trinkets and hopes to impress the woman. Some men have given up on that though. Many people have become jaded.
Having said that, he owes you nothing really. If you can not afford to travel with him or out to eat, then say so. You are angry because you want to do these things and expect him to pay your part. This could be because you love him and have invested your whole heart into this relationship. In reality, if the relationship was to sour, you only lose him. He would lose you and his money. Just tell him it's not in your budget. That puts the ball in his court. That will show you what he's made of. As for the holiday, how did it come up in conversation? If you were discussing a holiday, in a general way, it is not his responsibility to pay. If he "invited" you as his guest,perhaps it is his responsibility. When you go out to eat, it is not his responsibility to pay. If he chooses to pay, that is his prerogative. If you expect him to pay, I think you're asking a lot. The only time I would expect someone to pay would be if they specifically said...."I'd like to take you out for dinner." Even then I'd be prepared to at least offer the tip or drinks after eating.
How he distributes his money to his kids and ex wife is his business. There may be reasons why he does this.
When a person is really in love they want to make things happen. If he really wanted to go away with you and he's a rich as you say, he'd pay. At the same time, he doesn't want to feel like a cash cow. The fact he has money is irrelevant. You're angry because he's not giving you any.
Some people are more generous than others. Some people get tired of giving because they don't get anything in return. Sometimes the people who are in a position to give also need to receive a little something, just so they feel appreciated too. Otherwise they can begin to feel resentful. I know of someone who has been quite needy for years. This person has really never taken the time to do anything to indicate gratitude for all the generosity given to them. It is frustrating. In your case, if the person I'm referring to took the time to cook a meal once in a while, that would buy them years of generosity from me. Instead, I feel resentment toward them. This man should see your efforts as an indication of your feelings for him. I know I would but that may be because I'm a soft person. Your efforts would buy you lots of generosity from me.
Since I don't really know all the details of your relationship, it's hard to say. Based on what you've said, he may not be the guy for you. It's also possible he's been used before and is more cautious now.
In closing, I'll just say if I was "rich" I'd do anything for the woman I love. I'll repeat, if you can not afford to spend money on frivolous things, don't do it. From that point you'll see what he is willing to do. You'll see what he really values. It's a double edged sword really. You think he's cheap because he won't use his money pay your part and he might think you're cheap because you expect him to pay. The alternative would be for each of you to pay your own part, which you can not afford at this point. That frustrates you. So, explain your position to him and see where this goes. If he is as rich as you say and loves you as much as you hope, maybe this can work.
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (13 July 2008):
 Hi,
yep, lose this one mate. He is a tight fisted a-hole.
He can sit alone at home at throw his money in piles all around him in the future.
good luck...send him an itemised bill for the meals.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Personally I would not accept this kind of treatment; I would have dmumped him ages ago;
It sounds as if this guy is taking advantage of you; don't let him.
You have been ruined by your exhusband and are struggling to get on your feet; you deserve somebody to be loving and caring; somebody that can support you morally and spoil you a little when you go out;
A very nice way to "dump" this guy is to talk to him; be honest and tell him; you would love to go overseas but you honestly cannot afford to pay half the bills;
Take care of yourself; don't allow guys like this to use you;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 I had expected a different story.
Call me old-fashioned but who does the inviting does the paying especially if sex or future sex is involved.
Going dutch happens only with friends and even then NOT if one is significantly better off then the other. What next the boss take everyone out to a classy place but expects the cleaning lady to pay for the same round as the CEO?
The fact that he behaves different towards his son then his daughter is another red-flag. This guy got issues and you don't have time for them.
I don't think it is wrong to share the bill between equal partners when doing something expensive but that is not the case here. If he wants you with him on this trip that you couldn't pay on your own then he should pay.
Ditch this thight ass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): HiI can only speak from my own experience, but if a man doesn't want to pay for at least some of the things, he is not going to be generous later on.HE gets used to not having to spend on you, he starts to think why should I?I have never had a happy ending with these types of guys...Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Move on, hon. This in an anal-retentive arsehole. He is no man, let alone a "gentleman". Get out and meet some real men. They may not be "rich", but there are many hardworking blokes who would be happy to work even harder for a good woman who was honest and cared for them.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 This isn't the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with is it?
A guy who doesn't care abour your welfare but his ex wife's?
Get out of their hun, you deserve better that that! You've had a rough time already with your previous husband, so now you gotta draw a line in the sand and say " I will NOT be treated like this again."
Tell him that you just can't be with someone who puts his money first all the time and that you're gonna sort your life out and make something out of it. He may laugh, he may cry, who knows? But who cares? He obviously doesn't care about your welfare, so don't care about his.
Pick yourself up, carry on working and get some money - split the money you have into what you need it for and save the rest to put in the bank so that you have some emergency funds.
I can assure you that you will meet another guy when you least expect it - they always appear when you're not looking for a boyfriend!
Get rid of him, and get your life back on track. You've made it through some tough times and this assures me that you are a strong independant woman who now, I hope, will not let anything stand in her way of getting to where she wants to be.
Take care hun xx
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A
female
reader, Skeez  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 Sounds like hes a right jerk.From reading your post, all I think is that hes just using you for comfort. Seeing as he spends lods of money on his ex, knowing he obviosuly cant get her back hes usuing you as a substitute until he gets what he wants.Just move on with your life hunny. Hes making you poorer and probably making your life even harder.Leave him and get on with your life.Goodluck
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A
female
reader, bebe girlie  +, writes (13 July 2008):
Hi, well this is just sick, you should learn from the experience of your previous husband.......and u should know that a gentlemen NEVER EVER LETS A WOMEN PAY (only under certain circumstances) but if these circumstance dont exist then this guy is only using you and he doesnt want to pay any penny on you..so when he breaks up with u not a loss of any kind will be there..im sorry if this hurts but u have to face the truth... And plus why are you going through that since you already cant afford it? Why do u need a MAN? Take time for urself , find a good job, collect the money u need .. And while ur busy doing that a REAL GENTLEMEN WILL COME ALONG.... Good luck to u LoveHiba
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): he might be testing you out!!! There are so many women who ARE after a mans money I am NOT suggesting you are and obviously yuour NOt BUT he doesnt knwo that. Keep going for a little while longer then see if he changes I suspect this is a test from his side!!!
Hang on in for the time being give yourself a reasonable time limit then if he doesnt change - ditch him
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