A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so what am asking is can a man be to nice, like opening car doors, helping with her coat on an off, saying nice things to her every day,asking her how was her day, you know like at work, taking her to nice places to eat, poems, flowers, just wanting her to feel wanted, an special, an making her feel beautiful, so ladies, should a man run if the women tells him that her ex abused her, is that a big Red flag, cause she doesn't know how to take a man being nice. A lot of men goes through this, is a man suppose to change, an act like he doesn't care, treat them like sh t, cause that's how a lot of women fall for guys, the nice ones always get dumped, for the guys that treat the women like s..t, I just cant change. I just want the women to be happy. For when the women is happy am happy.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 January 2014):
This is yet another time when you want to not listen to what women SAY, but rather watch what they DO.
If you want to have a lot of women after you, act confidently to the point of arrogance. You need to believe it, or they will sniff it out in a second, but if you can pull it off, you will have your choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): person12345 is right. Nice guys don't finish last, timid weirdos who feel they deserve to be liked solely because they think they're nice do.
"Nice guy" is just another term for wuss. A guy who is nice doesn't need to describe himself that way or think it entitles them to anything.
Most Nice Guys I've met spent years in the friendzone with a woman they never had a chance with, or just expect that holding doors and buying women crap is the key to love. Those guys are generally boring, vanilla type guys who don't even really like themselves all that much or they wouldn't need to convince themselves so badly that they're nice.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I love when men come in and give a blanket statement about what women like.
Women like guys who are nice. Assholes often get laid a lot because they are confident and confidence is sexy. Bitter "I'm a nice guy" guys struggle because they blame the world for their problems and expect the world to change to fit their needs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): Are some "nice guys" two-faced abusers doing whatever it takes to trick a woman into falling for them or sleeping with them? Yes, absolutely. Does that cancel out the fact that nice guys finish last and women prefer men who are on the asshole side? Not even close. The bigger underlying issue remains very true.The only women who argue with this notion are the ones who don't like nice guys. The women who do like nice guys will tell you that other women don't like them enough. The nice guys themselves will tell you its true. Even the asshole guys will tell you its true. The ONLY group that disagrees with this idea is the group that the idea paints in an unflattering light. Hmm . .
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 January 2014):
I'm with the female anon below, getting pretty tired of this nice guy/bad guy thing. I have never heard someone legitimately turned down or dumped for being nice. Nice is always code for suffocating, smothering, starting to be a bit stalkerish, clingy, or someone who puts his girlfriend on a pedestal. It never actually means nice. Or on the other side, a nice guy is a guy who does all these textbook nice things just to get a girl into bed, which is just manipulation and the woman can see right through it.
Writing women poems, songs, etc... early in a relationship definitely falls into the smothering/possibly creepy category. It sounds so romantic in books, but this is real life 2014, not romance novel 1930.
Dating is not about a formula a guy can use to "get" a woman, it's not like catching a fish. If you are the best version of yourself, you will succeed. If you follow a book on how to impress women, you'll fail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): I don't go for woman whose ex abused them, I'm not their hero/saviour and I want a woman ready to date without baggage but saying that if I really liked the woman I'd probably give it a try.
As for behaviour, OP all that "chivalry" stuff you talk about is exactly how abusers act at the start. Down to a T. They're the nicest guys in the world at the start, they're the very image of "perfect gentleman" which is how they get their claws in and how they keep women even when they've turned nasty. Almost no woman is stupid enough to date seriously a guy who has hit them or called them names at the start, it just doesn't really happen. For the first year or two until he knew he had her he was the perfect guy.
My point is OP, it takes a long time for a woman who has been abused to believe that you really are a gentleman that's not going to turn nasty because that's how their abusive relationship went. Anyone would find it hard to trust again when they feel they got it so wrong with the person before.
Just keep being you, keep doing the right thing and keep being a good guy who treats women well. If the woman you're interested in doesn't respond well to that then she's not the right fit for you. OP there a hell of a lot of single women out there your age just hoping a gentleman will come along and treat them like a lady. Don't waste too much time on any that don't appreciate that. Don't become an idiot saviour type who bends over backwards for a woman who shows no real appreciation for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): I am sick of hearing men whine that "women say they like nice guys, but they always friendzone the nice ones. Must mean girls like jerks who will abuse them. Now I should become a jerk too."Even though you didn't specifically use the term "nice guy" you were alluding do it. Of course you don't want to change, as you've said. You want to make women happy. That's great! Keep being a decent human being. Make yourself happy. Make others happy. Go for it! You might not receive the reactions you expect, but at least you treat people like they're actually people. However, your belief about the nice guy and women in abusive relationships is false. And here is where I get harsh. "so ladies, should a man run if the women tells him that her ex abused her, is that a big Red flag, cause she doesn't know how to take a man being nice."What does this even mean? So women who experienced abuse in past relationships should be avoided because she can't appreciate how it's like to be treated with respect? A lot of women end up in abusive relationships initially thinking that their boyfriend was charming and loving - on the surface. By the time her boyfriend's controlling nature appears, she has already become too emotionally and insecurely attached to him. Women stay in abusive relationships because they have been beaten (physically and/or emotionally) to believe that they deserve the violence they supposedly provoked and that their current boyfriend is the best they'll ever have. They know how to take kindness, but they are taught to believe that they must earn it and that they also earn the violence they are faced with. Women don't like to be treated like toys. They don't like to be hit, spat at, insulted, and treated like they aren't breathing humans with feelings. Not even prostitutes or porn stars, contrary to popular belief. And there's a myth to self-proclaimed nice guys. A lot of "nice guys" are overly sweet and ingratiating - putting women on a pedestal because no other woman has ever given them the time of day. It's overwhelming, clingy, and kind of obsessive to a dangerous extent. Many, though not all, are only "nice" because they want to get into women's pants. When their female love (or should I say "sex") interest turns them down and casts them as friends, nice guys think: "What a shallow [insert rude and offensive name]! I was so good to her! Well, obviously women only date jerks." It's great if you want to hold the door for a girl, send her flowers, and help her take off her coat (though she is capable of undressing, opening a door, pulling out her own chair, etc). Some guys (I'm not saying you do) think because they do this, they're entitled to receive something in return (usually sex or a sexual favor). Never be that guy. And it doesn't seem like you are. Keep doing what you're doing. Maybe soften up on the courteous courtship though. Frankly, I don't want a guy helping me take off my coat or sending me poems. Some women might though.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (6 January 2014):
" is a man suppose to change, an act like he doesn't care, treat them like sh t, cause that's how a lot of women fall for guys"
That's how psychologically unstable women fall for men. Most mentally stable women want men that treat them right, not men that treat them like crap.
"should a man run if the women tells him that her ex abused her, is that a big Red flag"
If she tells you this on the first few dates i.e. when you both do not yet know each other well; then it may be a red flag. She may be one of those women always playing the victim i.e. example of psychological instability.
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