A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been married 12 years. About 3 years ago I found out that me husband was cheating on me. I found out through the text messages and phone calls being made from his phone. I guess there were signs that made me believe that this was going on so I did not overlook them and I started checking his phone and sure enough I was correct. My husband and I discussed the situation and he assured me that it was nothing that I was doing he just felt like he needed to change his circle because he was hanging with the wrong crowd. I found myself forgiving him and moving on with our marriage. Although I wanted to go to counseling, my husband did not so of course we did not seek professional help. My husband and I have a lot of fun together. We travel, we go out all the time, we have plenty of great sex, we are financially stable but for some reason this same incident has happened again. This time he had purchased an outside phone that I knew nothing about and had a list full of females programmed in it. It was meant for me to find out this time because I did not go looking for it, it came to me. He messed up and left the phone in the armrest of the car. I went to the store that morning and was looking in the armrest to put lotion on my hands and it was there waiting for me. This time it has really taken a toll on me because I had started to trust him again. My husband occassionally hangs out with his friends and sometimes stay out later than he should be but because I trusted him so much sometimes I didn"t even say anything about what time he came in (and yes that is my fault because I should have). This time it has really dampered me because I feel belittled, betrayed and I am starting to feel as if he thinks that I am weak and he can do whatever all he have to say is I'm sorry and I will be happy again. That is not the case I am completely fed up! I have put so many things that I want to accomplish on hold for this man until I have forgotten about who I really am and where I want to be. I truly love him and I know that he loves me. One part of me want to leave and another part of me want to stay although I do not trust him. What good will that do and how could that possibly be any kind of marriage? The hardest part is getting out there being the woman that I know I can be because I have never had to be independent. It also kills me to think of how this is going to affect our 12 year old daughter. The cheating signs has always been there because its like he has always made comments or gestures about me cheating when I know that I'm not (I have never cheated). My mother always told me that when someone is always accussing you of cheating its because they are the one doing the cheating. The cheating is not something that I think just started, I think this has been an ongoing thing for years. I continue to pray that God show me the signs and lead me in the right directions but I am afraid that I am overlooking what God is trying to show me. What do you think? Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): Well first off, let me just say I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Second, I am your daughters age and my mom is my role model and I look up to her for everything. I would be proud of my mom if she took control. So I am just saying, your daughter looks up to you and do what you think will make her happy. 3
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (20 February 2010):
I'm sorry that you are in this situation.
He is not going to stop having sex with other women at least not for long and not when he has the opportunity. You either need to get out now or stay in the marriage in the knowledge that from time to time he is going to go out and have sex with someone else. Some women can do that, most cannot. Those that can realise that when he has sex with other women it is of no more emotional significance to him than meeting up with a friend to have a beer or play a game of squash.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (19 February 2010):
OMG your story is like mine. To this day, my side of the family doesn't know the full story that caused our divorce. I protected his reputation with family, work colleagues and friends. Only confided in one friend. And the secrecy was definitely because of the shame. I would say try get support from at least one person you trust. Or even a counsellor. Don't try to handle this whole burden yourself.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (19 February 2010):
I tried the whole revenge thing... It doesn't work because the pain remains. No matter how much you try get back at him by seeing someone, the pain of his behaviour stays with you. Admittedly, its a huge ego boost but its very temporary. In this case it would be better to get him back by leaving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Imagine that years from now your daughter comes to you and tells you the exact same story...what would you want her to do? What would be best for her? You are your daughter's role model. She will be watching.
I believe that you are capable of creating a new, independent life. The unknown can be scary (especially if it possible to hold onto what is familiar)...but it will likely have a happier, more fulfilling, outcome than your current situation.
This is all my opinion. Best of luck! I'm rooting for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! What frustrates me most is that our families think that we are living the best life and think that he is so this and so that when he isn't. I do not discuss our situtations with our families because I do not want them to judge us but most of all I am too ashamed.
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A
female
reader, lostlove76 +, writes (19 February 2010):
@angzw you are so right. Men think there are no consequences when they cheat because we mope and cry to them thinking they will feel bad enough not to do it again. I am here to tell you that is so superficial they only nurse you back to do it again so if they cheat and you know it do something about it. Don't just talk about it do something we have to find strength to leave them the first time. Cheating is no accident. You don't just accidentally give someone else what is suppose to be for the person you are exclusively involved with. Please believe if the shoe was on the other foot they wouldn't even think about staying with you. Their pride wouldn't dare entertain the thought and from then on out nothing but disrespect to the point you will leave them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! To be honest I know that I will be out if it happened again. He has already sacrificed my heart 2 times and it is hurting me more than anything. I do not trust him, I am not attrated to him sexually anymore and I feel like I want revenge which I know will only cause me more pain. I feel like he is turning me into someone I do not want to be. This angry, bitter woman. I do not want to be that way because I love the person that I already am.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (19 February 2010):
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. He already showed you he is a cheat but because he got off easy, he saw no reason not to do it again. If you really want to stay you have to make life hell for a little while to really drive the point home. Include the humiliating STD tests, confronting the women with him to humiliate him and so on. Yu have to be furious; maybe disappear for 2 days to make him sweat not knowing where you are (you leave a note ofcourse so he doesn't think you have been abducted). But at the end of the day, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. If he is a serial cheater, all your efforts may simply delay his next encounter from a few months to a couple of years or so. I don't know if you feel that 5 years from now when you have wasted even more of your life on him, will you be able to take it if he does this again..
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