A
male
age
41-50,
*nknown1974
writes:Please, please help??My world has been turned upside down. I have been with this woman for just over a year. I fell in love with her very quickly. I've never met anyone like her. I've loved before but never like this. Anyway, about 6 months into the relationship there was things that were starting to not make sense. She would slip up on things. I started to get suspicious. I started to find receipts for meals for 2 that wasn't with me. She started to hide her mobile phone. I caught her texting this guy. She even forgot to hang up on one occasion and I heard her with this other guy. Anyway I confronted her about it and she 'promised' me there was no one else. She started to try to conceal things a bit better but still I caught her out. Anyway, I told her I had to go away for a few days due to work. I didn't really. I was staying at a friends. But I made it look authentic. Said my goodbyes and left. So I waited, and I waited and the guy I thought she was having the affair with turned up. Flowers in hand. How romantic, huh? She has a drive way and she actually come out to greet him. What happens next just destroyed me there and then. They started kissing and I just fell apart. I pulled myself together and took some photos with my phone of them kissing. I left and went to my friends. So right at this moment they are together and I'm at my friends. He and she doesn't know that I know. I've spoken to her on the phone and she's pretended everything is okay. What should I do now? The better of me says just walk away, but the other says I can't let them get away with this and I should confront them with witnesses so it doesn't get out of hand. I have never loved any woman like this. This woman has totally shattered my trust and confidence.What should I do? Thanks to everyone
View related questions:
affair, confidence, fell in love, flowers, kissing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): BLOODY BULLSHIT.
What a complete bitch, totally undeserving of anything genuine in her life. I actually said these words out loud. I am so angry to read this -- allow yourself to be furious. You have every fucking right. Horrible, horrible bitch.
Thank God for your friends, and get the fuck out of there. Women don't cheat if they're truly in love... It's very hard to hear, I know. But it will only lead to messes and chaos down the road. Get out while you can, with your dignity intact.
I am so so sorry -- what a complete bitch. Post those pictures on Facebook -- I am seething here on your behalf.
You deserve ONLY THE BEST. I am praying fo ryou!
A
male
reader, Unknown1974 +, writes (15 July 2013):
Unknown1974 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone!
A huge thanks to everyone! No need for apologies! I appreciate what everyone has said! Like one person said, I may have got an apple but when I took a bite there was a worm inside! I took a lot from that!
Thank you to everyone again! It's reminded me there is good people in the world! : )
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2013):
 I'm sorry!
However, you handled it with grace and dignity. BLOCK her number, that way you won't feel tempted to talk to her. Because she would UNDOUBTEDLY lie her ass off.
You did the right thing. YOU dumped a cheating, lying douche of a girl.
Better luck in the future and remember TRUST your gut.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 July 2013):
 She's in bed with the guy and 'it's not how it looks'...
Says it all really doesn't it!!
I am sorry this has happened to you but by walking away you are showing an incredible amount of strength. You may be feeling sad but she's the one with the real problems, because life as a cheat is seldom without bad times (as your walking out on her has proved)...it won't be the last time someone decent walks away from her!!
There are better women to be in love with x
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 July 2013):
 I know how hurtful this has to be, but you sound like you're doing alright. Just keep your chin up and remember there are many other women out there that will treat you right. You sadly just got an apple with a worm in it this round. If you start feeling down, tell yourself that at least you found out her true nature before you married her. You dodged a bullet, my friend. She's the one who lost, not you. Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): I'm very sorry this has happened, especially since you haven't loved like this before.
Only advice, time heals all. Be kind to yourself.
I don't suggest just turning up, but if that's what you feel is the right thing to do (closure etc.) then stay calm... and update us on what happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): I would strongly advise you wait the night out, let the other guy leave, then get home and let her know you know.
Be the bigger man, keep your head up, and let her know what she is losing. By doing a Jerry Springer it just makes things ugly.
Then you pack your bags calmly, don't give her another chance because she has been doing this since the beginning and been secretive, she chooses that, you deserve better!
Leave peacefully and let her realise the one that got away!
...............................
A
male
reader, Unknown1974 +, writes (15 July 2013):
Unknown1974 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone.
I just wanted to tell everyone I went round very late when they were in bed. I went round with 2 friends. Took a bit of convincing but they finally agreed. Obviously she fed me a whole load of BS. Told me it wasn't how it looked. I didn't say much to be honest. He said a few words. Got my stuff. Gave her her keys. And left. She's phoned and text lots. Haven't replied. It's over. No doubt in my mind.
Thank you again everyone for the great advice.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): If you are going to go there & get your stuff while she and her lover are present, then I strongly suggest you do take that friend with you. His presence will probably help calm the scene. You could also use a witness on your side if things do go bad.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 July 2013):
 Do NOT just show up, especially if you suspect he is there. You can control what you do, but you have no control over what someone else does so you can't be absolutely certain how they will respond. Being in the wrong does not guarantee they will be contrite. People can be belligerent when caught red handed.
They will undoubtedly be very defensive and given your state of mind, a direct confrontation is NOT a good idea.
Wait until you're supposed to be back and prefererably when you know she isn't home.
You're already hurt and angry. Don't compound this by doing something that could get you into serious trouble. The feelings will pass eventually but the consequences won't.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I think that's a good plan. She doesn't even deserve a chance to explain.
...............................
A
male
reader, Unknown1974 +, writes (14 July 2013):
Unknown1974 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to say 'thank you' to everyone who responded.
So she doesn't think I'm back until tomorrow night. But I'm going to go round tonight. I have keys so I'm just going to let myself in when he's there. Pack my bags and leave. All I'm going to say is don't mind me. Taking a friend just so things don't get out of hand.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I've never been in your shoes and can't imagine how it feels, but I agree with everyone else that if you confront them dramatically, physically, it'll only make everything bad for you. Your dignity will be ripped away in the eyes of others, including the guy she is with, which make me them fill sorta justified "oh ur boyfriend was just a crazy, that's why cheating way ok" - something to that effect. Instead, go home (while he's still there if you'd like, but don't say anything to him.), get your stuff together and leave, it'll drive her CRAZY, I honestly wouldnt even send the picture, cuz all that'll do is help her not be paranoid about how you found out (let her be paranoid!!) telling her how u found out will just teach her to cover her tracks better in the future... i'd just say something simple like "I hope it was worth it" and NEVER have ANYTHING to do with her again
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I'm so sorry this happened to you.
The best thing you can do for yourself, is to walk away and never look back. She should have never gotten into a relationship with you if she wanted to be involved with other people. This is her issue, not yours. She is not someone who can be trusted or someone who can be faithful to their partner, so the last thing you should do is try and work it out, or bother confronting her about it. Cheaters are not honest people and it doesn't matter what proof you have because a cheater is a cheater and that's who she is. She's likely stringing along the other guy too and when she gets bored with him, she's bring on someone else.
The positive part of this is you found this out now and not down the road if you decided to get married or live together. And just remember, not all women are like this. You will get back out there again and meet that special women. Just be clear what your expectations are for an exclusive relationship right upfront.
Don't give her any power or let her drain you of your emotional energy with this. It sucks and it hurts, but you will get through it.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 July 2013):
It's like that program CHEATERS...they catch the cheater in the act and the partner who got dumped on confronts the cheater and their accomplice...
and it always goes horribly wrong and the cheatee has to walk away.
Rather than confronting her and if you arn't living together, throw her into confusion and just text her that you met someone better and that you are dumping her...and then completely cut her off!
If you are living together, go home, pack your stuff, say absolutely nothing and leave.
I know it's hard to walk away from a relationship but this one doesn't exist anymore and the longer you trash it out, the more it's going to hurt.
You can't save things, you can only save yourself and once a cheat, always a cheat...she'll end up on the trash heap sooner or later!
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2013):
This isn't about you (for the most part) her ACTIONS are hers, and you CAN NOT or rather SHOULD not feel responsible for them.
Women can be cheaters too. Yours sound like she was never fully faithful to you, you just didn't notice til 6 months into it.
Text her with the picture, tell, it's over - have a nice life and then BLOCK her from everything, phone, e-mail, social sites and so forth.
And then... FORGIVE yourself for sticking it out this long with her. I'm guess you hoped to be proved wrong? That she was actually a good person. She isn't (at least not when it comes to being faithful). She is NOT who you thought she was or who you WANT her to be. YOU made a mistake in choosing a partner, it happens.
And learn from this. If your GUT tells you something is fishy, it probably is.
If you have stuff at her house, I would wait til you are scheduled to come back and then go pack it all up and THEN text her with the picture.
Would I confront them? No, that is drama you don't really need. It might make you feel better for a minute or two, but it won't help YOU as a person. Confronting her? You could, but honestly what do you think you would get out of it? It's NOT like she doesn't KNOW what she is doing is messed up.
I'm so sorry. And remember this, this too shall pass. And DO NOT hold the next girl "responsible" for this one's actions. Don't assume that every girl will treat you like this. Take your time and listen to that gut of yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 July 2013):
I'm more for this approach...send her the photo in a text message and say "What ya doing honey?" and then never respond to her again. You won't lose your dignity by letting her know that you know what she has been doing. Dignity is lost when you go confront her/him.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (14 July 2013):
 Just walk away, she has been stringing you along. Save your dignity and let her go. What would a confrontation achieve?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Send her a text and ask her how her weekend is going? Ask her what she's been up to, has she seen any friends etc? Just normal boyfriend stuff.
Once she's told you how quiet it all is and how she's home alone and missing you, send her a copy of the picture! Then tell her it's all over and you don't want any further contact. Then block her number and move on. Liars and cheats will always have an excuse, she may even try to blame you for her behaviour. Don't give her the chance.
...............................
|
