A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. I'm very much in love with him but over the last several months our relationship has fallen apart. We've been through a lot together and I hate to think that after everything we've dealt with it's gone in the blink of an eye. He's been out of state (on work) since Feb and within that time I only get to see him once a month, and haven't saw him since May 26th. This has taken a toll on me emotionally and I started nagging him constantly, accusing him of cheating with someone there (almost daily) and was over-analyzing every single thing he said and done. He got tired of it and has now pushed me away. I feel like he's forcing me to move on with my life. This has been going on, on and off, for several weeks and he does have a history of this, as he did this in past relationships and he was abandoned by his mother while growing up. His ignoring my texts, and neglecting me is making me contact him more (i know i shouldn't) and after about 10 texts or so he'll send me a text saying what he's currently doing and that he'll hit me up later, but when later comes he finds some reason not to talk to me. I do fully understand that he doesn't want to talk to me because of my attitude over the last several months. When I used to accuse him, he'd reassure me and basically kiss my ass. Now, he's neglecting me and letting me self destruct, and it hurts like HELL. He's moving back to town next Wednesday, which makes all this so crappy because we'd finally be able to see each other weekly and try to be like we used to be. While he's neglecting me and making excuses he's also telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, and then it ends there. He said something to me last week; "you'd be the perfect girlfriend, like I'd marry you today, if you were a mute". Those words have stuck with me the last couple of days. He also told me that all I am anymore is a "cuddle buddy" and some "pu$$y". This is true, I haven't been very loving over the last few months. There's been NO sign of infidelity, the only time he's ever mentioned women is like celebs he finds attractive, so it's only what my mind conjures up after a fight or if he doesn't text me back within 5 hours. This man used to contact me NONSTOP, he was always the initiator. He told me last week he'd like to be able to talk to me like he used to but can't because I twist everything around. It's been a week without any real communication at all. He text me last night and said he'd hit me up on xbox, after begging him (as when things are okay with us we play cod/party together) and come time for us to chat he goes offline and sends me a text telling me he has to charge his batteries, there's always an excuse lately. He voice text me this morning at around 8am apologizing for falling asleep and that he'd talk to me today/tonight and yet again, there's nothing. He said in the msg this morning he loves and misses me, so I try to take that as a positive but he's still a million miles away. He's keeping me at arms length, I do know this. What should I do now? I don't want to just delete everything and disappear on him come morning, but I've been crying all day. I'm hurting so bad. I know my mouth/attitude has caused this, but how can I bring him back to me? Please don't say anything such as he's cheating, or anything mean. I'm seriously heartbroken right now and I really need some support.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): Get yourself an elastic band? Why I hear you cry . Because we are now entering the world of cognitive therapy . Place elastic band on ones wrist .. Now every time you think of texting him or contacting through Xbox you give that elastic band one almighty snap,, now am I suggestion you do not contact him at all . No with this therapy you are allowed two texts pet day . One a good morning and the other a good night .Now the morning text is basically a light hearted 'good morning how was your night ? I was dreaming you were home and we were snuggled up close then the damn alarm went, typical aint it? Haha then proceed to add a little about your day what you will be doing etc . End with 'got to go busy day text when you can . Love you x. 'Now no matter what he replys you hang off until night time .. You text night baby ( whatever you say to each other ) its been a hectic day..if he answered back and put a qs to you this is the time to answer it.. Do not get on the topic of anything previous. Do not apologize . Don't say anything about it . Keep it light,Wish him a lovely sleep and tell him save a lil dream for you .Now you keep doing this, until your man is home .. And only when home and things have improved do you talk about how you were when he was away . Tell him like gold madness haha you had missing him madness . But it's something you recognize and your dealing with .. Remember the elastic band .. Take care sweetie . It's not all lost .. X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Yes you are hurting badly it is understandable BUT no don't disappear on him, it is not necessary, why would you? nothing has happened, there is no valid reason and it will be considered overreacting from your side. It is quite normal for couples to have ups and downs. He knows you long enough and he knows you are not a nagging person, it was just due to being apart for so long and you did what you did, out of love I mean when you were sending text after text and he was not responding. As Darrell says give your boyfriend some space, don't breakup with him, NO, just try to keep yourself busy, go out and socialize with friends and family and when he comes back and calls you, let him know how you felt when he was away !! he will understand. Hope this helps. All the best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (14 July 2013):
 Well I think the solution to this for you is to sort your own issues - you see I can totally see he is pushing you away but from the way you tell this story you are the one that started all this by pushing him away. I understand totally what you are going through, in fact, I used to be exactly the same and I can empathise alot. You know what I am saying is true and you know what you need to do - cut him some slack, dont push the contact, and let him come to you - but you feel like you cant.
The irony is that you obviously feel that if you dont keep in contact you will lose him but its this clinginess that is pushing him away. Id recommend trying to keep your mind off him for a little bit, try and do something that you find distracting, spend some time with friends, family etc and if necessary have them confiscate your phone! In the long run you may need some counselling and to spend some time on the self esteem issues you obviously have.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (14 July 2013):
 If you haven't been loving over the passed few months then why are you so clingy, it doesn't add up.
Do you want to be with him so nobody else can have him or do you genuinely love him?
You are practically begging for attention and you seem really needy. Perhaps its just time to give the guy some space without the begging and smothering. If he really wanted to actually talk things through he would without you forcing for it.
Wait until he either contacts you first or moves back and im not saying camp outside his house and throw stones at his bedroom window. You don't realize that the more you force, the further you push him away.
Give him and yourself space and then when his ready you guys can talk. Please just try to loosen your grip. Your aim should be to win him back not push him further away.
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