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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm best friend with a gay guy since I was little. We call each other everyday, and would talk for hours. He's almost like my boyfriend, but minus the sexual part. Now I have a boyfriend (first boyfriend), it seems like my best friend and my boyfriend do not get along at well. It puts me in this awkward position. I want them to get along so we can do things together. But it seems my best friend tries to avoid seeing me when my boyfriend's around. He also said my boyfriend isn't very genious. My boyfriend on the otherhand express' my best friend might not be someone who's as caring as I thought. I know it's jealousy on both sides. They both feel threatened in the relationship with me. But is there anything I can do to make them like each other? All I want is to be able to go out for a meal together...
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male
reader, davie  +, writes (8 September 2006):
Even if you best friend was a woman the same thing could be happening. Your boyfriend probably wants to do things with you - not with you and your best friend. On the other hand your best friend is used to it probably being just the two of you and probably preferred it that way.
Although in the long run I can understand you wanting to do things with them both, it might be wise to not spend too much time with them both at once to begin with. Getting them used to each other slowly might be more successfull than throwing them against each other!
It is important that you still spend exclusive one on one time with them both. They need to realise they are both important to you. Keep in mind that your boyfriend would probably expect you to spend more time with him than your best friend.
It is a difficult situation. Just try and keep tabs on how they are both feeling amd hopefully in time it will sort itself out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): What a thorny situation - maybe you could defuse things a little by mixing them in among other friends. If you have even one extra person along with you (to make a foursome) the two of them won't be stuck in a constant tug of war over you only. It will also dispel the illusion that you're trying to force them to like each other. People are much more amenable to this kind of 'social engineering' when they feel like they have some choice in the matter.
The onus is also on you now to try and sell the one to the other as cunningly as you can. If your taste in people is at all consistent, maybe they have some traits or interests in common - besides you of course. Do a little investigation and make sure to remind your boyfriend how much your best friend loves all his favourite musicians (or whatever) and vice versa. This will make it less awkward for them when they meet, since they'll have an easy back-up topic of conversation.
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