A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Cat-CallingThis is a question for any ladies out there who have experienced what is commonly known as 'cat-calling' (E.G strangers calling out sexual remarks to them.)My daughter, who is in her early 20's and lives away from home, was telling a friend about some abuse that some men were calling out to her while she walked down the street. Now, this was in broad daylight in a busy shopping street. The men were not known to her.My daughter wasn't wearing anything provocative or anything that would draw attention - just casual jeans, jumper and a coat, so its not as if she was making herself noticeable in any way. The men continued to follow her in their van as she walked along the pavement, but she was too afraid to look around at them. She went into a shop and waited for a few minutes. They drove off.I only know this because of what I heard her telling her friend and apparently this is a common thing that many women are experiencing today.I can honestly say I've never done anything like that, calling out lewd comments to a strange girl. If I see a pretty girl, I smile and walk on. I would never dream of shouting out obscenities to them!So, I was wondering, if things really are as bad as that these days, and how do the ladies handle it?Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): "So, I was wondering, if things really are as bad as that these days, and how do the ladies handle it?"
I think for SOME women, yes it's that bad. It also depends on where you live. I personally have never experienced anything like you described. I live in the US, and no woman I know has ever said this has happened to her. Although maybe it did, and they just never told anyone. Or maybe it's never happened to me specifically because I'm not that attractive. Who knows?
Anyway, if it did happen to me, I probably would have handled it how your daughter did. If I wasn't near a store, I would call whoever I know that lives closest to where I'm at so they could come help me if needed. I don't know if I'd call the police, but maybe I would if I really felt I was in danger.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): It depends on who shouts, some remarks are light and funny and to be taken as a compliment, but others are seriously off the mark. I had a guy come right up to me and say' I would'nt mind bumping into you in a dark alley' I believe he actually thought he was giving me a compliment, when it could have really scared me thinking of a more sinister attachment to his words. I returned the compliment and he scuttled off, hopfully he thinks twice before opening his trap. I take most things like this in good humour because it's not often meant to harm ,any staring I would just stick my tounge out and make them laugh. We all have different natures and different anxiety levels what worries one may not worry another. However we deal with things like this, safety and instinct should be followed, it can be invasive and not wanted but so can charity collectors in the street who stop you in your tracks and try to pry money out of you. I find that I can be stopped abruptly by this body plonked right in my pathway, a folder in arms up to 3 different times in the space of 5 minuits. This can get me anxious because I know the speal is coming 'hey lady with the friendly face blah blah blah I feel forced to immediately say 'don't waste your time, your not having my money and I am not friendly, leave me alone' and then you feel embarrassed because passers by hear you, they then throw you a sideway's dirty look and you walk away feeling guilty and then you have to experience it all over again 2 mins later, it pisses me right off having to avoid these people, not that I am tight. If I want to give to charity I will give of my own free will and don't expect to be bombarded with (unwanted)advances. Give me a wolf whistle anyday I don't get anxious. We are all different with what upsets us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): I lived in/around NYC for decades, and to this day I have never seen this from anyone save a beep of the horn or something from some bum/lowlife. I really cannot fathom a normal man behaving in this manner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): I haven't done it either, I'm more of a "damn look at her she's really hot, oh shit did I look too long at her? I'll have another quick look to see if she noticed, oh shit she doesn't look happy, damn" type of guy.
OP that kind of stuff is very common and a daily event for most women, not being followed by a van obviously but cat-calling. There's some really good hidden camera footage of that kind of stuff on youtube if you're interested in seeing what it's like from a lady's perspective.
As a guy who was a skinny teenager with long hair in the 90's I've actually experienced it first hand but for me it's hilarious. As soon as I turned to look at them with my pathetic attempt at a smig their reactions were hilarious. I've even had cars, vans pull over and slowly follow me until they saw my face. That's the only thing I miss about not being bald, messing with the heads of creeps and seeing their embarrassed, shocked, violated faces when they realised I'm a guy.
OP I have three sisters, and literally any time I'm out with any of them I see the stares, the honked horns, the shouting out of car windows etc.
OP it's common and women mostly like it as long as it's not overboard like the following in a van thing.
The rule is simple: If the guy is hot it's not harassment, if the guy is ugly it's oppressive abuse. And that goes for stares too.
OP your daughter handled it well. She stayed calm, she went into a safe place and dealt with it. You don't have much to worry about with a woman who can deal with it so well.
As long as she's not a feminist that thinks her "expressing her right" to be able walk down dark alleys at 3am is more important than being safe then she's had about 10 years of dealing with this kind of thing already and knows what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): I already responded to this but just wanted to add to CindyCares comments - my experiences are all UK based BUT I have been on holiday in Italy in my thirties and I know exactly what she means - the men over there have a very different way of 'cat-calling' and I actually found it very pleasant, not at all threatening. The first time it happened, I walked out of my hotel and two men were passing, well dressed, and one murmured "Bella, bella" in such a nice way.
The TOTAL opposite of what happens in the UK. But you know, I have a theory that the UK is a very sexually messed up place compared with other countries.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Bah. I grew up in Italy :)- here, the moment you've got to worry is if cat-calling stops altogether, it means you are really in bad shape and over the hill! It never bothered me, I always took it as ...my due : a dutiful, warm hommage to my femininity and appeal. Of course, it'a a rough, uncouth hommage,- well, not everybody has studied in a Swiss boarding school or trained with the diplomatic corps. I never felt threatened , and ,to be perfectly honest, it felt worse ... since when the constructions workers have started respectfully saying " 'morning, ma'am " than when they were cat-calling.
I admit very promptly though that times have changed, for the worse - and that cultures and attitude are different, so a whistle in an environment means " What a pretty sight " and in another " I am out to get you and I am going to hurt you if I can ". If I had a van of drunk aggressive hollering guys coming after me in the dark , I'd be scared shitless too.
So, of course, better be safe than sorry, always bring your cell with you, be aware of your surroundings, do not hesitate asking for help from shopkeepers and passers by, etc.etc... all the routine safety precautions that you'd implement to prevent ANY aggression,also of non sexual nature.
But- possibly- without passing authomatically from prudence and reserve to paranoia ?... that must be a cultural thing, but I am still surprised by how in some countries women can't or won't differentiate between harassment and admiration, between lewd and saucy. I remember an American acquaintance of mine who took offence because some innocuous old crone in a Tuscan village had told her, while she was passing by in all her miniskirted glory : " Bless your mom, she really knew what she was doing when she made you ! ". Aw come on, that's a COMPLIMENT. A rather sweet one,too. Yeah yeah I know, your body is yours and you did not ask for " compliments " and / or unsolicited attention that you never asked for... look, when something's good or looks good - it draws attention, whether you want it or not. Learn to handle it, graciously, elegantly, and within the limits of safety and prudence of course , and it becomes a positive, not a negative.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): I would get your daughter some mace and get her to take a self defense training course. I think as women, yes, we have all experienced something like this or maybe worse on at least several occasions in our lives unfortunately. Fortunately for me, it has not been a frequent, I live in a suburb which is in a good area, however I have had some frightening experiences not even related to the cat call type situation, such as being stalked on a highway by someone whom I sure was a serial killer. I do carry mace with me and a security device at all times. I think it is worse in some locations and countries than others due to attitudes towards women. I don't think your clothing really makes a difference to this behavior, but I do tend to dress down, in a casual way wearing sweats and jeans, sneakers, clogs etc. most of the time, which doesn't highlight or expose my body at all. I just feel more comfortable this way overall. I also try not to put myself in dangerous situations while still living my life. I'm not suggesting this causes this behavior, I just think we need to be proactive about protecting ourselves in life. It is really amazing to see grown men who have not been properly trained by their parents on how to behave towards women and who have no respect for women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Cat-calling or street harassment is very prevalent. Those who are unaware of how bad it is simply take cat-calling as whistling and a small comment here and there. Likening cat-calling to harassment would not be exaggeration and those who think it is need a wake-up call. Look up stories online and you'll be asking yourself, "Where do these women live and what street are they talking on?" - because men will be disgusting and vile with their unsolicited "compliments". Some will lash out if you don't return their "compliments" with a positive reaction.It doesn't matter what you're wearing. A simple t-shirt and jeans will have some men thinking thoughts they should just keep to themselves. Skirts past the knees will do the same. Most ladies, it seems to me, just keep on walking and ignore the cat-calling. Others have responded back with retorts (e.g., "f*** off"), which resulted in men being more persistent and even threatening them. Some men just can't seem to grasp that not every woman wants male attention and commenting on their bodies as if they're objects isn't a compliment.That's the world we live in unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): Sorry, but I do wonder what planet you've been living on.Ever since my pre-teens I've felt awkward in the street if men, and especially groups of men, are there. It doesn't necessarily take every single man or group of men to make you feel insecure and self-conscious - even if only some of them make comments it means that you slowly and steadily expect this to happen and get tense each time in case it does.I've also been harassed by men in cars and vans when I'm walking down the street and even if I'm cycling. I'm now 46 and only today I went jogging to my local park. On the way there I had to jog up the street and past one group of men just loitering and then, a few minutes later, another group of workmen who were walking up the road but taking up the whole width of the pavement, so that I had to run around them.Some days I can handle the possibility that they might call out but today I was feeling a bit down and fragile so, as soon as I saw them, I just thought "Oh, here we go, grin and bear it" and felt myself really tense up. In a way it doesn't matter what they do, it's just that you learn to expect the worst. As a woman you just KNOW, even if they don't holler out something to you, that they are scrutinising you. It's a horrible feeling of self-consciousness that we pretty much live with. Possibly the worst instances I've had are when I've been in broad daylight in the street and some guy has started following me. Twice I've had to go into a shop and ask the owner if I can please stand there, close to the till because a man is following me. One time I was in a fairly deserted area and really panicking about what to do. Finally I took a risk and knocked on the window of a van because I could see a man sitting in there reading his paper. I explained that I was being followed by another man, in broad daylight and that I didn't have my mobile phone on me - I'd only nipped out from my studio to go the rather long walk to the shop to buy lunch but I was frightened that he'd follow me back to the studio building and none of my studio mates were in on that day, I was totally alone in our old warehouse like building and was worried he would break in or wait for me after dark. Thank goodness the man in the van was a hero and rescued me - he drove me back to the studio quicker than the man could have followed me, so that he would have no idea where I'd gone. I was shaking like a leaf because I'd had to take a risk that the man in the van would be okay!Other things like going to cross a quiet road and a car that was right up the street speeds up whilst you're crossing the road and then slows down to watch you cross, then the guy or guys in side call out to you about your body. It is really not nice sometimes.With all that said, at other times I don't mind it so much I guess. The absolute worst is when something really sad has happened and some idiot guy says "cheer up love". I lost it with one older man who said this to me just after my Mum had died. I was so angry with him because I'd gone out for a walk to just try to face the world, full of grief and pain. I don't think he will say that to a woman again without really thinking about it. I think I was so angry with him that I scared him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): Gee, I think with sexual harassment these days that men would get a clue. But, being followed in a van by a bunch of guys hooting and hollering would make me scared that they might attempt to abduct me.Your daughter did a good thing going into a store. Hopefully, she had her cell on if she had to call the police. When I was in my 20's I was whistled and hollered at as I walked down the sidewalk by stores and the guys were garbage collectors and two were hanging onto the back of the truck and another guy was hanging out the windows. It scared me. At least they kept driving on.I learned to always be on the defense. Have my cell on, mace in my purse and even a taser. I took a self defense class as well. Another thing she can do, is when she approaches her car is to look in the back seat and underneath her car. I had to do that when I was being harassed by a guy at work. I always looked over my shoulder too as I went to my car in the parking lot to make sure no one was following me.The main thing is to "always" be aware of your surroundings and who is around you. Never let your guard down.If it happens again, see if she can get their license plate number to report it to the police.
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