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male
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anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am very well educated, strong, hard-working, fairly wealthy and decent looking, in my 50's yet have been without sex or companionship for almost six months. I go to dances and other social events and try to connect and hookup, but I create no interest at all. Women enjoy dancing with me, will give me a number or email, but never answer or reply. I get nervous around women and try to hide it, but I'm sure they notice. I am "Love-Shy" and Asperger's, though more Love-Shy(both terms are on Wikipedia). There is no known treatment for these disabilities in non-verbal communication, yet I am a deeply loving, caring person and my deepest joy is sexual intimacy and reciprocal physical love. I have had relationships, but they're always few and far between, often with years alone. I often scare women with just friendly talking, or they just don't think I am interested. Some say my eyes are intense or "hard". Talk therapy has been proven counterproductive in asperger people. Please help - I stay busy, but life, for me, is just not joyful at all without a lover, and whatever wealth I have is without meaning. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers so far. I'd really appreciate some female responses here, if possible. Your perspective is badly needed!
I have read Dr. Gilmartin's book in it's entirety several times - 600 pages or so - it is available on the net free with his blessing:
http://www.love-shy.com/Gilmartin/Dr._Brian_G._Gilmartin-Shyness_&_Love-(onepage).pdf
I have also studied medicine a lot, and have an advanced degree in the field. The only medicine that has any obvious useful effect is MDMA, also known as Ecstasy, which was legal until the late 1980's. It has not been formally studied in these cases, but anecdotal evidence indicates that it is of major help. Today we have FMRI machines that can localize functional anomalies and drug effects very well. Certainly studies are in order, but these would cost millions in the United States. There is no legal medicine I am aware of, nor other therapy that works at all, other than a formal matchmaker leading and herding two people together as though they were timid children, or at the extreme - arranged marriages. The term "Love-Shy" is perhaps the best so far, though it implies that one can "get over it". To the best of my awareness, that is not possible - forcing one's self that far comes across as so very unnatural, and often scares women. I can see it in my son as well as myself.
It seems the best possibilities for finding women is approaching very needy ones, and they tend to be younger. They are more emotionally out of control, yet I can gladly offer them stability and whatever they need. I would consider young single mothers who are borderline desperate. Of course, as they grow less needy with nurturing, they will probably leave. That may be considered controlling, yet it is an evenhanded free exchange. Older women are generally less needy and many get to the point that they simply don't want sex at all. I am open to all possibilities, though of course I do care for the obvious - looks, hotness, nurturing and sexual desire. I do my best to be worthy of them, and to keep the superficial in perspective. Above all, regardless of my deficiency, I intend to be a force for good in the world.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Poster, your problems seem to be those of a very shy man, only worse. And then, what you said about not understanding modern courting is just right. Many people are indeed confused, or Dear Cupid wouldn't exist.
I think I can only suggest that, if someone comes to you, you insist that you have Asperger. They should understand.
I did a little search and I found these links that can help you:
http://www.love-shy.com/
http://www.love-shy.com/Gilmartin/toc.html (book by Dr. Brian Gilmartin, who suggests a treatment)
I did a search about Asperger and found there is a treatment, too, fundamentally aimed at teaching people social skills. Maybe you've done this, too?
I very much agree with you. Older women are emotionally sophisticate. I would go for one of them, you know? They will have the maturity to understand your situation. A twenty-something will lose her patience and blow her top. And you will enjoy yourself, maybe better than with a young girl, because, as you said, older women are emotionally (and sexually, I would add) sophisticate.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRegarding dating another Aspie, I got lucky once and met someone 30 years younger. She moved in with me for two years and had the second best relationship of my life. She eventually wanted more drama than I could provide and found a young guy with rich parents and no job who smoked weed all day. She said she "loved" him.
Love-Shy women have not been studied well, but in our culture, they will still be hit on successfully by normal guys, and trying relate when a love-shy guy just comes across as being scared of women or sometimes as anger(even though I don't feel angry) - either way a turnoff. Aspie comes across as stilted, mental, confusing and uneasy. This is genetic - I can see the same thing in my mother, uncle, son, sister and niece. I'm still working at it though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): How about dating someone else that suffers from your condition. That should make things alot easier for both of you.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Danielepew, you seem to have some grasp of what I am dealing with. I am blessed with a high IQ and insatiable intellectual curiosity, but to relate to women I must intellectually sort out the entire interaction and act out how I feel, since my body language is not natural. Sometimes I get it right, but it's very hard in crowds, and I never understood the push-pull dynamic of modern courting rituals. It's much better for me to offer value, but modern independent women don't want or need this enough for relationship or sex. I did meet a woman that seduced me for her own reasons and I fell into deep love with her. She loved me for a while, but found me frustrating emotionally and eventually left. We are still close friends and I would do anything for her, and when she had big problems in her life she would sleep with me occasionally, though now she has a new boyfriend and that's likely over. Now I'm having real problems getting any new traction in my life - girls in their 20's are attractive and I understand them a bit, but they worry about age gap and peer pressure, and older women are emotionally sophisticated in ways I will never be - I will probably top out emotionally as a 20-something. Quite honestly, I would be quite happy to pay for a permanent girlfriend/wife if I could find one I could afford full time, but I have had no luck here. One aspect of the problem is that women refuse to believe that a successful man could be so incompetent in nonverbal communication.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 May 2008):
I did check about Love-shyness and Asperger's, and I see your problem isn't easy.
It's difficult to give an opinion because, if I understood correctly, not only are you more than shy, but you also have trouble reading the emotional state of other people. So, even if someone goes beyond your shyness and does drop hints on you, you may fail to interpret them.
And then there's also the problem of retaining those girls you actually had. Maybe the Asperger's is the problem here. If you have trouble reading their emotional states, then you may have serious problems in relationships.
I had never known about a person with these two conditions. I wish I could say more, but, perhaps you can try to set up friendly relationships with someone, and then you can explain the person what your problems are. Over time, she might learn to communicate to you what she feels, et cetera, and then you will be able to keep her.
Good luck.
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