A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I've been seeing a girl for about 8 months now, and to be honest, I just don't feel like I know her very well at all. Maybe I'm just being obtuse but, there are things about her I don't understand/know how to deal with, and I'd REALLY appreciate it if someone here could help me wrap my head around it. First some background. I'm 22 years old, and she's older than me by 2 years. About 2 years ago, her father and mother separated, she is now with her mother. I don't have a great deal of information, because she personally does not want to talk about it much; but as I understand it, her family is currently engaged in some form of court action against her father. I don't know the details because she will not tell me, and understandably so, because it's a personal family matter and she appreciates privacy. No problem!But, what is an issue is that I simply cannot ask/talk/speak of anything remotely related these issues. I'm not even trying to find out what it is, I understand that she doesn't want to talk about it; but if only it were that simple! It's like walking on eggshells; the moment I ask about anything remotely related, for example, if I just say something like "is anything wrong?" she almost immediately shuts down and becomes defensive. It might not even be intentional; the conversation much just have drifted towards what's been happening lately, I share my story and then I ask her to share, and suddenly I'm accused of "digging." I mean, really? Digging? I'm just worried about her, and it's kind of odd i'm not supposed to show I care, because I do; I can't help it, everytime I do show some concern over how she's feeling, it triggers some emergency lock-down response in her brain. Shields up!She generally is very protective of herself, that's fine, everyone needs to protect themselves, but I need to find a way to be with her, care about her, and still not have her feel like i'm being intrusive. I'm not planning on psycho-analyzing anybody, I'm not here to fix trust issues she has with her father; believe me, if I could, I would absolutely try to solve them, but they aren't issues that I can fix alone, she'd have to be wanting/willing to discuss them. All I really do is tell her that i'm available to listen to her if she ever needs someone to talk to, but she never does. And additionally, she'd much rather deal with problems herself while i'm left to wonder what exactly is going on. Some might consider this to be a good thing, that her problems don't suddenly become my problems, but...should I just leave it be? If she feels i'm being intrusive then certainly I can respect that space, heck, i've been trying, but is this how a relationship should be at this stage? Someday, I'd like to be more involved with her life, and when I say involved, I don't mean making decisions for her, but just knowing what's going on. Emotionally it's just hard to read her, and it makes me reluctant to trust her, because I just don't know what she's thinking. It makes it difficult to be intimate with her on a personal level.Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading. Best of luck to everyone.-Bumpy
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 You know what? You've got to be strong this time. Tell her that she can call you when she's in a better mood. And mean it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I appreciate your help!
But now she's accusing me of TRYING to deliberately make her feel crappy. Guys, gals, damage control! I don't know how to field this one... I understand it's sore and she's blaming me, but i'm not the one she should be mad at, I don't think she's being rational at the moment. I will respect her space but, yiiikes.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Dont even try to understand us because as soon as you do we move the goal posts!! Seriously though it sounds as though there is something very painful going on that she just cannot share with you. i think you have to respect that and if you love her and give her the space she may eventually open up to you but it maybe something shes too ashamed of and no amount of probing will help her. In her head eveything you do is centered on this one problem so sit her down and explain that whilst you accept she doesnt want to talk about this she must understand that you care deeply and if you ask about general well being you are not prying just want to know about the rest of her life so you can have some more intimacy. Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew! Thanks for you help ;)
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 May 2008):
Bumpy, you're not alone in having a hard time reading women :-). Lazy Guy (another contributor) found an article about how we all fail to understand them.
That said, this time I think I do understand her. Simply put, the divorce is very difficult for her and her pain is still very raw, sore, (whatever way it's said). She is too sensitive to it and reacts in a wrong manner.
I wouldn't leave her just for that. I would tell her, however, exactly what you told us:
"If she feels i'm being intrusive then certainly I can respect that space, heck, i've been trying, but is this how a relationship should be at this stage? Someday, I'd like to be more involved with her life, and when I say involved, I don't mean making decisions for her, but just knowing what's going on. Emotionally it's just hard to read her, and it makes me reluctant to trust her, because I just don't know what she's thinking. It makes it difficult to be intimate with her on a personal level."
If you tell her something like this, I bet she will understand that she's handling the situation in a very bad manner.
Good luck for you!
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