A
female
age
26-29,
*mycoffeegirl
writes:Hi AuntiesA few weeks ago I walked in on my boy friend masturbating in my bedroom. He has a key to my apartment, and I let him sleep there during the day when he works nights and I am at work.At the time it happened, he didn’t know that I saw him, and I was very careful to leave quietly.I decided to tell him that I saw him masturbating in my bed because it bothered me that he had a pair of my nicer panties with him at the time, and he returned them back with my clean lingerie. This bothered me so much that I was only wearing lingerie that I knew I had recently laundered, and I found myself rewashing everything that I usually keep in my lingerie drawer. Well, when I told him that I saw him masturbating, his demeanor immediately changed, he got very quiet, and said he didn’t want to talk about it. I dropped the subject and waited to see what was going to happen. He quickly got his things and went home to his place.Today my boy friend opened up to me. He told me that he was not embarrassed to talk to me about masturbation, because he feels that he is a very open person about almost anything. Then I could tell that my boy friend was finding it difficult to say what he said next. He continued and said that it is seriously bothering him that me seeing him masturbating made him feel very embarrassed and uncomfortable, and even depressed. And that he feels he has to do something about it because me seeing him masturbating shouldn’t effect him so negatively. I feel terrible now that I even told him. I told my boy friend that everything was ok and that I would do what I could to make him feel better about the situation. My boy friend then said he would like to try to do things with me there to see if he could start to get over the strong and strange feelings of embarrassment and discomfort he is having with me seeing him. I want to help my boy friend, he clearly is having a big issue with this situation, and I do care about him, but I am not sure how comfortable it is going to be for me. Am I being to closed minded and insensitive by looking to possibly avoid seeing something that I have already seen him do? Thanks everyone for your help.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 January 2016):
 Amy Writes: "My boy friend then said he would like to try to do things with me there to see if he could start to get over the strong and strange feelings of embarrassment and discomfort he is having with me seeing him.
I want to help my boy friend, he clearly is having a big issue with this situation, and I do care about him, but I am not sure how comfortable it is going to be for me. Am I being to closed minded and insensitive by looking to possibly avoid seeing something that I have already seen him do?
Amy Clarifies: "I'm sorry, but I don't think I made myself clear as to what my bf wants to fix the problem. He would like to masturbate with me watching to make him feel less uncomfortable with me seeing him pleasure himself.
I am not sure I am comfortable with watching my bf do that. Am I being to close minded?
Thanks Amy,
I was pretty sure he was talking about something like that. And, while I do recommend more shared experiences, I think your boyfriend is making a rookie mistake. I dashed off some very quick advice last time and I see that you need some more detailed information.
You asked a revealing question, are you close minded? I'll answer you with question. Is it worse to be labeled close minded, or to be hurt taking a risk you weren't ready for? The political climate in your country and mine is now an attitude of acceptance of every thing. While this is very good in a society, it is not so healthy in a relationship. It's O.K. not to bring lost kittens into your apartment if you have a fur dander allergy.
On to specifics. Every relationship is a relationship of trust. Trust is the stuff that relationships are made of. Trust is made by sharing experiences, successfully. Trust is destroyed when a shared experience goes wrong. You had a pretty healthy relationship. He was allowed to be in your personal space when you were not home. This means that your experience told you that he wouldn't steal your money or things. You were confident that he would not make messes. You thought he would not abuse that privilege. Then a wrong experience occurred. He used your panties in a way that could have got them dirty, and he failed to clean them before returning them. This is how I understand what you told us. All of a sudden there is a group of doubts in your mind. I'm going to guess at what some of them are. 1 This is not the first time he has done this. 2 He has problems with sexual boundaries (he might surprise you again). 3 Masturbation is where he has no limits.
Now he has invited you to share an experience with him and you don't feel ready to share that experience. The reason you are not ready to share that experience is because it is right in the middle of all of your doubts. Does that make sense? Does it feel right?
Experiences build trust. You need trust. This is not the first experience you need. I'm going to suggest some safer shared experiences that can help you get your trust back. Many people never share masturbation in the way he is suggesting.
Have him help you with laundry. You need to be sure he treats your nice clothes well. His knowledge of how to care for your stuff will help him earn back trust.
Allow him to use a specific pair for play. Leave it out for him with instructions to put it in the hamper when finished (not the drawer). This sets a boundary.
Depending on his kink, give him a used pair for Valentines. This is a very special personal gift for guys who have the right fetish.
Masturbate together in a dark room.
Final wrap up. You had a strong trust before this bad experience. You are both the same people you were before it. Getting that back is worth stretching yourself a bit. Don't worry about labels. Take it at a pace you are comfortable with. Learn about, and use Safe words.
FA
A
female
reader, Amycoffeegirl +, writes (27 January 2016):
Amycoffeegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE,
Thank you for your reply. I actually did mention it in my original email, I just wasn't as clear as I should have been:
(...My boy friend then said he would like to try to do things with me there to see if he could start to get over the strong and strange feelings of embarrassment and discomfort he is having with me seeing him...)
Sorry for the confusion, and thank you again for your incite.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2016): It seems very odd that you didn't mention such a thing at the very beginning. Sometimes people tailor or rewrite their commentary to sway opinions. I read your original post more than once, and nowhere did you mention he wants you to watch; but that you walked in on him, and he was embarrassed. While I gather it may have shocked you, or hurt your feelings.
Now I have to question the honesty in the last post. If you're not comfortable, then tell him so. It's still no big deal. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and if you feel too creeped-out; find a new boyfriend who doesn't masturbate. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Amycoffeegirl +, writes (26 January 2016):
Amycoffeegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you aunties for your advice,
I'm sorry, but I don't think I made myself clear as to what my bf wants to fix the problem. He would like to masturbate with me watching to make him feel less uncomfortable with me seeing him pleasure himself.
I am not sure I am comfortable with watching my bf do that. Am I being to close minded?
Thank everyone!
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (23 January 2016):
Hey there Amy,
It really is no big deal. He is just a normal guy. As someone else suggested, you could have offered to be a part of the situation rather than treat it as something external to both of you.
Relax and ask him what his fantasies are, and what you can do for him and for the both of you ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): This is no big deal. It's just an embarrassing moment and it will pass. Overreaction is basically the problem. Women just don't seem to understand male-sexuality, and the first reaction is surprise, if not disgust, to catch a guy masturbating. It's a very private moment, and shame is not how he should feel. His embarrassment stems from hurting you, and you thinking he's some kind of pervert. He's not. He's a guy.
Well, my dear, it is a fact of life. Men masturbate. Whether they have a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or whatever. It's a natural thing we do. You simply walked in and caught him! At least you're his major turn-on, not porn! Leave it alone, don't bring it up again.
It's a guy thing!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 January 2016):
You feel bad because he crossed your boundaries. He feels bad because he sees that he hurt you. Had your boundaries been more clearly stated . . . .
Well the fact is in young relationships there are going to be some surprises. You can't possibly think of everything to talk out first.
No it would not have been better if you had said nothing. Communication and experience builds relationships of trust. He is right to suggest more experience. Are you up for it? Can you trust him to respect a boundary when you say "stop"?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 January 2016):
I don't understand how this turned into a big deal. Masturbating is such a simple, natural, normal human act. I truly fail to see why you felt the need to mention it. My advice is the same as it was the last time you posted:
Let. It. Go.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 It's moments like this that can cause serious trust issues in a relationship if handled wrong.
He had your underwear, which is a bonus to you. It means you turn him on, not some other woman in a magazine or on the internet.
When you came in and saw him. You should have said "Hey, I can do that for you. Let me get my clothes off first." He already had it out and ready, why not use it :)
Learning to turn an awkward situation to your advantage can do wonders in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 January 2016):
My theory is that he, like most men, probably masturbated a lot when he was single, and he sees it as the way to relieve himself when he only has himself to rely on, whether because he’s single or because you’re either not having sex or because his sex drive is higher. Psychologically, it feels like something that should be apart and separate from his relationship with his girlfriend. When you walked in, it disturbed the compartmentalised separation he has for his masturbation and so even if he can’t explain it or understand it, I think this is why he is subconsciously embarrassed and perhaps a little guilty about it. This may be why he now wants to try and get over it by allowing you to see it. If you don’t want to, tell him there’s no need to worry about it and that you are fine with what he did (though perhaps he might consider leaving your clothes out of it next time). He also might feel that it was a bit disrespectful in your bed and be a little guilty over that, so the reassurance will help also if that is the case. Tell him that you understand it’s something that is completely normal, that most men do it and not to worry about it. Then I think you should just drop the subject. Embarrassment and awkwardness don’t last forever and he’ll get over it. The more you talk about it, whatever your good intentions, the more you might drag it on.
I wish you all the very best.
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