A
female
age
41-50,
*tsz_ang3la
writes:Ive been seeing a guy for about 5 months now, long distance. Ive always felt a bit untrusting of him.He voluntarily told me the other day that his ex who recently got out of a mental hospital contacted him and wanted to "get ice cream with him".He told me he said no to her and that she said she has a new boyfriend.I asked him if he liked it when she contacts him, because she has done it once before, and he said that he is "indifferent" and it is an unexpected surprise."He tells me he has no more feelings for her, but wont apologize for having "manners" either.When we first met, as friends, he used to rant to me about her, telling me she was "psycho"I asked him to ignore her the next time she contacts him, and he asked me for a reason.I told him I was jealous of her, and he let me know that he would ignore her to make me happy because he loves me.She was his first girlfriend, they dated for over a year, and I know that he was going through some stuff and really needed someone, as was she. Im thinking he still cares about her.What worries me is that she is still trying to get him to get back together with him, I do not think she knows about me.We've fought about this many times, and I know he is annoyed that I keep bringing it up, but it is as if the more I talk to him, the less I trust him.He stated that if I bring it up again, he is walking out on me for good.What is going on?
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Of course he still cares about her, its his first girlfriend! It doesn't mean that either of them wants to get back together. Ex's can be friends you know, provided its innocent, which it seems they are because he was voluntarily honest about her to begin with because he felt he had nothing to hide. If this is how you react to honesty then you're just teaching him to keep secrets and avoid the drama over nothing.
You keep bringing it up over and over again when he hasn't done anything wrong. Some ex's should remain out of peoples lives for sure, but she just sounds like a friend and for him to ignore her because you're insecure is just wrong.
I've lost friends trying to satisfy a girls insecurity simply because she told me to. It didn't solve anything, it just made me unhappy, think less of her and she simply moved onto eliminating the next female friend/acquaintance... If you can't deal with it, just leave, because you're clearly unhappy and making him unhappy by driving him away when you needn't.
Best of luck :)
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 mmm.. your behaviour is not good. He's said he's not interested in his ex, he also tells you when she contacts. He is not a puppet, even if she wants him there is nothing she can do. He is a grown man, he knows what he wants, he had her and now they is finished, he explained everything to you.
Why don't you trust him, why don't you think he's strong enough to say no when (or if) she wants to get back with him. I might love you, but that dosen't mean that you love me back.
Your his girlfriend, he choose you, but he didn't expect to deal with this jealousy and insecurity which has no meaning.
He's told you what he feels, either you believe him or you don't.. If you don't believe him, then you need to leave and find another man to love.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Heh, what a way to reassure your nervous girlfriend, by threatening to break up with her over the ex. I can see why it would bug you. You ask the guy to ignore an ex that's trying to insinuate herself back into his good graces, and he has to ask WHY??? I'd be nervous too!
Until his ultimatum, I would have agreed that you were being a little too obsessive about the whole thing. Ex'es are ex'es. Just because THEY contact doesn't mean you can't trust your guy. He did say no to her, and he is being honest and up-front with you about her devices. You do NOT have to trust her, but you should trust him unless he shows otherwise.
But the whole "ultimatum" thing gives me a bad taste in my mouth. That's not a good precedent in a relationship. "Don't talk to me about this, or it's over". He could use that power tactic in any fight he chooses with you. I'd break up with him just for saying that. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I think you have to trust him on this. It'll be hard, but you're going to have to if you want to continue to be with him.
BUT, if he's the type that will complain and gripe and talk on and on about how an ex is psycho AND THEN leave you to go back to her...well, good riddance. And what does he get out of talking to this "psycho" anyway? Hm.
I also don't like how he gave you an ultimatum there. He's just going to walk out on you? Wow. No more talk or discussion. Well I don't know how much you've been nagging him about this, but MAYBE it's justified, I don't know because I don't know what you've been saying/doing. Which is exactly why you do need to back off for now and leave the subject alone. Only bring it up when you have proof or when YOU are fed up with the situation and the relationship isn't worth it anymore.
Bottom line, trust him for now, there's no reason you've mentioned not to give him the benefit of the doubt. But don't be blind either...
Good luck!
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