A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can’t stop thinking about my assistant at work after he told me he loved me. The problem is though I’m a married woman. I work in the offices for a manufacturing company and basically deal with all the admin work. I’ve been there for 14 years. Throughout this time I have had many, many assistants. My boss has always been adamant we hire younger people for this role in order to help them kick start their careers. However the majority of them have either been useless or moved onto pastures new pretty quickly. In 14 years I’ve had well over twenty different assistants. One of them only lasted three days! However back in January we hired someone new and he hit the ground running straight away. He picked things up so quickly and really got on well not only with the others in the company but also our customers over the phone. We always encouraged our staff to have a bit of a laugh and some banter with the customers to build good relationships and he had no problem at all doing that. I was very impressed with how well he was progressing and we seemed to get on really well also, a little too well in fact...A few weeks ago he started being really off with me for no reason. Just really short and moody all the time. Then he came in one morning and told me out of the blue he was going to quit. I was stunned. I honestly couldn’t understand why, he was doing so well and was seemingly blowing a huge opportunity for himself. When I asked him the reasons why he just kept fudging the issue. I began to think it was because he didn’t like working with me, but when he finally revealed the real reason, it was probably the last thing I’d ever have expected.He told me he had to quit because he was falling in love with me. He said I was the most amazing person he’d ever met and that he couldn’t stop thinking about me. He started paying me all these compliments, saying I was beautiful and feisty and unlike any other woman he’d come across. I’m not sure how he could even call it love but he was adamant that’s how he felt. But because I was married he knew nothing could ever happen between us and it was too hard for him to take. Therefore he felt leaving was the best option. At first I just found the whole thing ridiculous. I made it abundantly clear that our relationship was strictly professional and always would be. Then I bluntly told him to get a grip and that the idea of us being together was complete madness; he’s 24 and I’m twelve years older at 36 for starters. I told him I was a happily married woman to a man I’d been with since I was 17 and that a silly little crush wasn’t worth throwing his job away over. I told him in no uncertain terms to go home, forget we’d even had the conversation and carry on like normal the following day. I could tell he found it hard to act like nothing had happened but I had little sympathy for him. Really I should’ve realised how insensitive I was being.The next couple of days were horrible. There was such a bad atmosphere between us. However we did eventually have a private heart-to-heart and cleared the air. He apologised for saying anything but in reality I was the one who needed to apologise for the way I’d acted. I realised he was just being honest and actually appreciated that it was really brave of him to tell me his true feelings. There wasn’t any awkwardness afterwards at all which surprised me. We buried the hatchet and put the whole thing behind us. However just when I thought we’d moved on, now my feelings towards him have started to change. Before I didn’t find him the least bit attractive, but now all of a sudden I do. I just look at him in a completely different light now. For the last few days I’ve woken up feeling excited to go to work purely because I get to see and spend time with him. One morning we sat together at his desk doing some work and I dunno why but I loved being so close to him. I said that my hands were cold and put one on his hand to show him and I can remember feeling a rush of excitement just by touching him. Another time I eavesdropped on him talking to our receptionist, who is 20 and a real flirt. She was openly flirting with him and I actually felt JEALOUS. Later that day I couldn’t help myself and had to ask him if he fancied her, to which he said that he didn’t and she wasn’t his type. And I was so relieved. Why? I’ve got no idea. Why do I even care? Again, not a clue. I guess maybe I was just flattered by what he said about me? The thing is though I’m finding more and more things about him that I like. His personality, his dress sense, even his terrible jokes! Some of them are God awful but I just find them refreshing. He’s starting to dominate my thoughts as each day passes.The thing is though I want to nip this in the bud. As I said I am happily married and my husband is a wonderful man. It’s not like I don’t ever get any love and affection from him. He tells me all the time that he loves me and I felt our relationship was stronger than ever during the pandemic. I’m feeling quite guilty that I’m even having these thoughts as it’s not fair on him at all. But how can I put these feelings to bed if we’re spending so much time together? For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week he sits barely 6 feet away from me.Any advice anyone?
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at work, crush, flirt, jealous, married woman, my boss Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 June 2021):
 You are having these feelings because most people are naturally drawn to people who like them. Since this employee has declared his feelings for you, you cannot just forget what he said. It is flattering to be admired, especially by someone so much younger. There is nothing wrong with feeling flattered. However, given the circumstances, flattery is all you should feel.
You say you have a happy marriage with a wonderful man, so you have been luckier than a lot of people (luckier than most, I would say). You need to focus on that. Can you inject some new life into your marriage by trying new things together so that your thoughts concentrate more on your husband and less on this employee? Also consider how you would feel if you found out your husband was having feelings for someone else.
Can you take a few days off to give yourself a break from work and this employee?
If he tries to hand in his notice again, I feel you should encourage him to move on. This is not only for your benefit but also for his. He sounds like a bright young man who has the capacity to go far. As the position he is currently in is a junior one, he should be encouraged to expand his horizons, gather experience of more working environments and build his career. I am sure I don't need to mention that you should not be tempted to stay in touch after he leaves.
After a while he will just become a pleasant hazy memory. Nothing wrong with that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2021): You want the best of both worlds, the real reason you apologised to this immature guy is because you don't want him to go off the boil and lose interest in your. At the same time you want him to behave and understand nothing can come of it - two contradictory and quite selfish thoughts. Your husband may be loving and wonderful but he has become stale, as most relationships and people do over time, so you revel in a young guy having a crush on you, now that is making you as immature and silly as him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 June 2021):
 Absolutely agree with Code Warrior and Kenny.
You shouldn't have apologized. You DID the right thing and the PROFESSIONAL thing.
As for "But how can I put these feelings to bed if we’re spending so much time together? For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week he sits barely 6 feet away from me."
Yes, you can. It's called USING self-control. You don't have to ACT on every whim, right? Some Karen at the store flips her lid at you for no apparent reason, you don't slap her do you? Even if that was what you REALLY wanted to do? No, you use self-control and walk away or tell her to go fly a kite. Same with this "crush". It's NOT worth it. It's not worth risking your marriage.
Every time you feel the "crush feelings" coming on, TAKE control. Do NOT ask him if he interested in the receptionist - it's NONE of your beeswax. Even if you felt a tinge of jealousy, it's IRRATIONAL to think it's any of your business. He isn't FOR you. YOU have a husband. a LIFE-partner. Keep PERSONAL topics out of the workday as much as possible, STICK to work, and BE professional.
Spend EXTRA time with your hubby. Arrange some alone time, date night, or just a cuddle and a movie at home. Focus on who is REALLY important in your life.
You can do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2021): There is no fool quite like an old fool and you are potentially becoming an old fool!
You are not a fool but you are falling for flattery and you have much to lose.
Think about it in terms of power sharing.
Someone totally new to the company has put themselves on an equal footing to you by declaring they are in love with you.
They say that they are smitten with you so much that they must leave..
This could be a calculated narcissistic gesture to break your barriers down and so far you have resorted to apologising to him.
Flirting with the receptionist was calculated to make you jealous.
And you are fast becoming putty in his hands.
Think of your husband dropping you off for the first secretary who would give him some tongue under the table.
And consider sacking your young ambitious stud for inappropriate behaviour.
But seek a lawyer first or you may find you owe him money because he may well have recorded that apology of yours.
Also remember that anything you do such as putting a cold hand on his may all be used in a sexual harassment case making you look predatory and deviant.
Consider outsourcing him or any sideways move or even take a break from the office until your weakend will has found some strength.
You may not feel old looking at his youthful flirting face but you certainly are at risk of looking extremely foolish.
Seek help from a lawyer, your husband or maybe a therapist where you can talk in confidence so that you no longer fall at the first hurdle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2021): There is no fool quite like an old fool and you are potentially becoming an old fool!You are not a fool but you are falling for flattery and you have much to lose.Think about it in terms of power sharing.Someone totally new to the company has put themselves on an equal footing to you by declaring they are in love with you.They say that they are smitten with you so much that they must leave..This could be a calculated narcissistic gesture to break your barriers down and so far you have resorted to apologising to him.Flirting with the receptionist was calculated to make you jealous.And you are fast becoming putty in his hands.Think of your husband dropping you off for the first secretary who would give him some tongue under the table.And consider sacking your young ambitious stud for inappropriate behaviour.But seek a lawyer first or you may find you owe him money because he may well have recorded that apology of yours.Also remember that anything you do such as putting a cold hand on his may all be used in a sexual harassment case making you look predatory and deviant.Consider outsourcing him or any sideways move or even take a break from the office until your weakend will has found some strength.You may not feel old looking at his youthful flirting face but you certainly are at risk of looking extremely foolish.Seek help from a lawyer, your husband or maybe a therapist where you can talk in confidence so that you no longer fall at the first hurdle.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (18 June 2021):
 You are happily married to your husband who is a wonderful man.
Don't throw it all away on a silly short lived crush that will fade away over time.
I don't think that you should have apologised for what you said, you needed to nip it in the bud and be stern like you did. Apologising to him has not made things any easier for this situation.
You have been doing this job for 14 years, you are the professional in this situation. He is a lad that will probably be moving onto pastures new. You have got a lot to lose, while he has nothing to lose.
Drop these feelings, and keep things strictly professional and workbased as they should be.
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