A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Im here to open up my sadness regarding my own children. I have 2 children, 1 daughter and 1 son. They have diffirent father as the father of my first one ( daughter ) cheated on me when my daughter still in my belly. The father of my son, just made me pregnant and didnt even told me he is married and still married till now. So both of this relationship end up so fast and i am totally alone providing from day one till this 2 children finished college. I provided everything for this two till the very single moment that they got their job, i am even the one who look for a job for my daughter. But because i needed to provide for them i was always out abroad and this two left to my parents till they finished elementary school. When they reached high school i was able to buy our own house and let them live there and i paid someone mature friend to watched them to take care of them during school time. I needed to be out abroad because i cant manage to provide for them everything if im just working near them. Even we are in this situation, i made it sure that every important matters in their life, i will go home and be there for them. They finished university, they wanted to go abroad too, to work in Thailand as a teacher. I support everything, i paid every single matters what they need so they can start in their own feet. Now they have their own life. My daughter is going to start her own family. I had a heart attacked last year 2020 have a stent now and im living in europe my children is in Thailand. She told me she is going to get married May 2021, she is expecting me to be there, but didnt happen because of this pandemic, papers are not able to complete. plus she is pregnant and as a mother i needed to be there too. Since im not all the time near with my children and of course wanna do my best to be there with them, I flew from Germany to Thailand, in my health condition, with 15 days Quarantine, with this pandemic, with this much expensive expenses, the weather changes, you know how cold germany is and then jumping to Thailand weather is really a challenge, but still i come to be there for her like i use too. I dont expect so much from my daughter but only a little bit understanding. But when i come to her, she let me sleep in the small room with only 1 electric fan where she and her fiancee is having a cold aircondition. I am sleeping on a floor with a thin matres which is she barrow from neighborhood. She give me a blanket which is so old and you can see the stain in there. I arrived here and give her a gold necklace, ring plus i am the one who is providing their wedding Ring. See people, i am not counting any materials here, i can provide for my self, what hurts me is, the way she is treating me. Her fiance is more acting like a son to me than her, but my daughter is controling everything of her fiance. So he is following her too. I understand that she want to have her own life now, but i am doing my part as a mother. She want a gender reveal party, i did it of course I paid it, i see her friends happy and they are all happy, luckly one of her colleage, talk to me and say thank you, it was really a great gender reveal party, but from my own daughter" not even a single word. My Son is not far diffirent from her. When i talk to my son, he is always blocking me and talk over me in a agressive way. I feel so disrespectful and used from my own children. I understand that they not grow up beside me, but they are both grown up now, if they can understand other peoples emotions and problems why they can not consider, i was not there during their teenage time because i needed to work hard for them. We are originally from asia, philippines " in this country you cant ask help in the goverment if you can not afford school then you can not let your children finish their school. I wanted my children to be in a better future thats why i did my very best and the replacement of this is i did not have a chance to be a mother to them, but just to be a father to them. See people, i can really go in another guest house and let me stay there till they got married and have the baby. But i prefer to stay in her place, help her with expenses and sacrifice my self with this sleeping room because i wanted to give us a chance as a mother and daughter to have a litte time together since that is what missing to us for so long, at least before her baby come. I wanted to build a good time with them, but she keep distancing her self to me. She'd rather stay at her room watch netflex and let me alone at living room doing just this cell phone thing. I dont ask very much but just even 10min i think would not be too much. But even that she wont. Sometimes she ask me, we go to restaurant to eat, i am happy of course, but then i feel only invited because i am the one who will pay the bills. Im sorry that this is too long, i really have no one to open up this. Im just full of disappointment. I walk everyday in a mall just to get a aircondition in a day because its really hot here..Thank you all for the patience of reading this...
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cheated on me, fiance, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 June 2021):
 I am glad that you are choosing to take care of yourself.
I hope you will have a great time up North.
I think your daughter was surprised that you stood up for yourself and that SHE needs to be kinder. So it seems like her fiance is not a total pushover, I think he talked to her and that is why she apologized and tried to be nice with the printing of your ticket.
While being pregnant can be stressful, it's never an excuse to be mean or rude.
Enjoy your vacation, you earned it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2021): Dear Cupid, Honeypie, WiseOwlE and to our female reader anonymous.
I am the one who wrote this and asking for a advice. I thank you all for the effort answering me and giving me advice. I am in tears reading all your answers.
Today June 20,2021, in the morning, we had a fight. I exploded a little bit. When i woke up in the morning, i im in living room doing some preparation for lunch, then she came down with a earphones. I was just there, but she did not even greet me hello or good morning. She ignore me like i am not insisting there like im just a spirit. She go to the kitchen and made her own breakfast. I go to her and told her hello in a very soft way, but she did not even look at me so i touched her shoulder and she turn around and ask me in a nasty way and said, WHAT?! and i said didnt you see me? She did not answer again and continue to what she is doing so i said hello" and she turn again and said in aggressive way " WHAT DO YOU WANT? and i said, dont you at least say hello or good morning? Then she said in ugly way" good morning! So i turned around and go back to my sit and do my things, then my phone klick and it was her sent me a message and told me to just dont disturbed her since she is not in the mood today. I come back to her and i said, you dont need to message me in messenger, i am 4 steps far from you, you can only tell it to me. Then she really shout at me and told me "leave me alone! I have no mood on talking to you or anyone else! Then i cant handle anymore her behaviour, so i shout back to her and more louder than her and told her. I am still your mother! You can not do that to me all the time treating me like a sh!t, If you think, you can not stand that im here, just tell me and i will be gone in less than a seconds. I told her also, if you can control your students, friends, brother and your fiancee, not me! Im still your mother, if you think you have a bad luck to have me as your mother, then, you will not gonna like it how im gonna answer you with that. I told her also, i did not flew 12 thousand kl. that far and that expensive just to be treated like that by an immature woman like you!
Then she can not answer me anymore and she go up to her room bang the door so hard. Then come the fiance down and ask me what happened and i told him everything. He is also angry and told me, that my daughter is making a sh!t behaviour again.. And now he told her to take her vitamins for baby and answered him, no she will not take that vitamins. So her fiance got angry too because she even included her baby in her belly to her unreasonable anger!
This daughter is using her pregnancy to control and manipulate people around her specially her fiance. My soon son in law apologised to me and asked me to just ignore it for a while and let the situations cool down,that he is scared for his baby. This man is really kind, i see how kind person he is. So i said ok and thank you for your long patience to my daughter and he said he just want his baby safe. A minute later, She message me at messenger again and ask for excused to what she did, so i just did not answer anymore.
I spend my whole day to a mall like always and yes i am flying to north in two days. I will make my self comfortable and give my self a pleasure of a fine holiday. At night when i come back home she greeted me again and ask me if she can print my flight ticket and i said thanks but no, i can manage it to use my handy. She go up in her room and thats whats it.
My daughter and my son is just the same, when they see that im really getting angry and stand for my self then they will ask for excuse but then, they will do it again, they keep repeating it and its getting worst and worst. So i really need to decide for my self, self respect, for my health
And for my own sake.
Thank you all so much, this site dear cupid really help people like me who really need advice like you all here. Thank you all so much...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2021):
I think this is heartbreaking.
I think your kids feel you OWE them everything because you had to work abroad while they were growing up. If they can not understand the sacrifice YOU had to make to raise them, that is on them.
I think you need to stop giving them money.
And if you are still visiting, then move into a hotel. You will have a clean bed, air conditioning, and a GOOD reason to do what YOU want to do. Be it stay in or go sightseeing. So you don't have to sleep on the floor on a dirty mattress with a dirty blanket. Seems like your daughter is a passive-aggressive person who GAVE you this dirty blanket as punishment for YOU being YOU.
I too would be SOOOO very disappointed in my kids if this is how they treated me. Your daughter is a shit. And I would 100% cut her off financially. You bought a ticket to Thailand, you bought her a wedding present, you planned a gender reveal *cringe* (sorry, gender reveal is just the lamest excuse to get more stuff from people, IMHO), you pay for dinners when going out to eat with them and you HELP they pay for their bills...
You need to stop. You can't BUY love or respect. And your daughter? Doesn't love you or respect you. If she did she would treat you better. I know that hurts to hear, reality bites.
If SHE (your daughter) wants a relationship with you, she NEEDS to put wat more effort into it.
"Sacrificing" yourself by staying at her house will do NO ONE any good, OP. You need to consider your own health too. You have put them first since they were born. As you said, they are now grown, time to put YOU first.
There more you do for your daughter, the more she will expect and the LESS she will respect you.
If you plan to stay there until the baby is born and they can wed, at LEAST stay in accommodations that are clean, with AC, and can be a place for rest and peace.
You can't change your kids. If they are rude and entitled, that is WHO they are. You CAN change how you react to their treatment of you. You can stand up for yourself.
You had heart surgery and STILL flew across the World to see your daughter, and she finds some SICK pleasure in having you sleep on the floor with a little fan and a dirty blanket?! What kind of person DOES that?! Does she even really want you there? Or did she just want easy access to your money?
Please book a hotel for the rest of your stay. TREAT yourself better than SHE treats you.
Now I DO understand that kids have a hard time bonding with an absent parent, but you weren't absent because you were partying or in constant rehabs, you were absent to provide the BEST you could for THEM. A MATURE grown person would understand that, even if it hurts to have missed out on a better bond as a child.
Please take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, Hector123  +, writes (19 June 2021):
Can you talk to them about how you feel?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2021): Corrections made:
"You did hand them off at a time when they might have needed you around; so they didn't connect with you in a more intimate, or personal way. Necessary to establish deeper child-to-parent bonding."
"Do not show-up for their petty little accomplishments; unless you pre-arrange to stay in an affordable hotel nearby."
***You traveled across land and sea to see those two brats of yours; and you're stuck in a hot room, on a dirty mat, with a filthy blanket. What would they have said or done, if you had done the same thing to either one of them???***
"He is real for those of us who have been touched and blessed by His Holy Spirit."
P.S.
Don't you ever sleep in such filthy and uncomfortable conditions like that ever again!!!
You've given them the best you could provide; and they could never repay you for that. You pushed in pain to give birth to the two of them. Yet you're all unhappy and miserable; because they're spoiled and entitled. Then stop giving them money! Tell them you love them; and you're willing to rebuild a relationship. Inform them that you expect their respect; and to be treated properly when you visit. If they feel unable to appreciate you as their mother; just let you know. The money stops; so love me, or forget me!
Stop being such a fool with these two full-grown adults. You're bringing the pain upon yourself; expecting them to show the kindness even a pet dog is due. DEMAND IT AND EXPECT IT!!! YOU DESERVE IT!!!
You're quietly and timidly tolerating their disrespect. If you stood-up for yourself, are you afraid they won't love you? What's it like now? Could it get any worse?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2021): No, my dear, your post is not too long. It is heartfelt and sincere. You love your children, and you've made sacrifices that single-mothers are forced to make. You're feeling guilty; even when you've done nothing, but work hard to be sure your children had everything they've needed. You had to work! Throughout the world; generally, women earn less than men. Thus, you are forced to work harder for less! You had to raise and educate two children on your own; which pulled you away from them. It doesn't matter whether you worked abroad, or just across the street; every penny you earned was to feed and clothe them, to make sure they had what the wanted, and needed. They were neither hungry, nor homeless. God bless you!
No matter how well parents treat their children, it does not always follow that they appreciate your love and sacrifices. We live in a modern-era that almost encourages people to be selfish, entitled, and unforgiving. You were left to fend for yourself with children; and you didn't give them up, or abort them. It's not an easy decision; because sometimes you aren't able to provide for them when the economy or the availability of jobs works against all your efforts. Maybe you didn't bond with your children during the most crucial time in their development. They know you're their mother, but there was an element missing that might have connected you more emotionally; but circumstances demanded you to work and provide for your family. You never married, but devoted all your life to caring for and supporting your children. They owe you a mountain of gratitude; but perhaps they harbor resentment, because they feel you could have been closer and more available. You did hand them off at a time when they might have needed you around; so they didn't connect with you in more intimate or personal way, necessary to establish deeper child-to-parent bonding. Like I said, there are still no guarantees about that.
Part of the problem is, you put a little too much emphasis on being their provider; when you could have also given them a little more motherly-affection. Don't let this comment make you feel guilty, we're looking-back in hindsight. As they say, hindsight is 20/20; and we cannot live buried in guilt...and a million should-haves, could-haves, would-haves. Life is what it is, right-now. Sometimes we have to make the best of what we're given.
You allowed your daughter to treat you like an inconvenient moocher; because you didn't say anything about your discomfort, or ask for an extra fan. You could have! Had you not felt like you owe her something, you would have. You are her mother, and you have the right to demand the respect you deserve for giving her life; and had you not lowered yourself to being nothing but their bank account, maybe you would have. I speculate they would have treated one of their friends better than that. Apparently, as they grew-up; they may have also missed-out on simple golden rules like manners, consideration, and respect. They grew-up selfish and entitled; and somewhat spoiled. Take fault for only that!
I suggest that you sit-down one day and compose a letter to each of your children. Let it be as long as you like. Tell them what you've told us here. Explain the sacrifices you've made, and why. Tell them how they've made you feel, and remind them that you are the one who labored and gave them life. You gave them everything they needed; and they show no respect, or gratitude. That is what you regret most about not being there for them; to teach them how to show grace and gratitude.
I strongly suggest that you not send either of them another cent. Not one solitary coin! Financially, you have given them all that is required of you. If you want to initiate a real relationship, do it emotionally; and stop compensating through money. Your guilt makes a total fool of you, trying to buy their affections. You're their mother, demand your due respect. You have no reason to feel guilt. You're punishing yourself; but they are alive and well! More than able to take care of themselves. I strongly suggest you stop pampering and pouring money all over your daughter. Do you not see how little she appreciates you for that?
Don't suddenly feel so motherly when it comes to guilt and self-pity; show some assertiveness, and admonish them for their greed and snotty behavior. Do not show-up for their petty little accomplishments; unless you either stay in a nearby hotel. You had better know ahead of time; whether you will have comfortable accommodations, should you stay with one of your children. You pretty much know you won't; so get an affordable hotel, or find a nearby inn. It's your fault, if you lie there in miserable stifling heat; when you could have slept in a cool, clean, and comfortable hotel. Always being a martyr and punishing yourself out of guilt. Look how much they care about that! What have you got to prove anyway? If they think you're a bad mother; then stop sending them your money. Try as you may, you cannot buy love. You cannot purchase forgiveness, or rewrite the past!
If you want do something for them, set money aside for your grandchildren. Not another dime for either of them. Say nothing about what you've saved for the grandchildren, put it all in your will. You have provided for them enough. Money does not ease guilt, it just covers it up! It even makes you look worse, because it looks like you're trying to buy your way out of looking guilty. Only, your guilt is self-imposed. You're a good mother!
Writing them a letter will be very therapeutic for you. It will convey to your children how they've treated you. Expecting your money, without showing you affection, or any love. Always with their hands-out! Yes, that is somewhat your fault; because you tried to make up for your absence, by giving them things and showering them in money. Just bear it in-mind, parents who spend ever moment of their lives devoted and totally affectionate to their children can be treated exactly as you have. You can only do what you can now; to establish whatever closeness you can, in the present. It will start when you give of yourself, and not out of your purse. If you want love, show love. If they don't have it to give you, you surely can't buy it!
If you have spiritual-faith, and believe in the one true God. This is a good time to submit to your spiritual-beliefs. Whatever you've been taught about God's love and faithfulness. If you were exposed to Christian belief; then you can also submit to the love of Jesus Christ. Prayer and faith-ministry is helpful in dealing with matters of the heart and soul. We tend to leave God out of the equation; and try to handle problems alone. If you're a nonbeliever; then you can ignore this part of my advice. I cannot suggest or expound on other faiths; because I don't know anything about them. I know only what I've experienced for myself. I will pray for you, and your children. I will ask the Lord to give you comfort, peace; and to help you realize that you've been the best mother you could be. He forgives us for our sins, faults, and shortcomings. He strengthens our weaknesses. He heals and repairs relationships, families, and marriages. If you don't like this part of my post, you have every right to ignore it. I offer this, because many of us do believe in God; but modern-life has pushed God aside. We've become too sophisticated, scientific, and arrogant to believe in some mythical-spirit in the sky. He is real for those of us who have been touched and blessed by His Holy spirit. I hope you'll revisit your faith; if you've abandoned it for many years. He waits with His arms open. You can always pickup where you left-off. He never changes, forgives endlessly, and waits patiently.
May God bless, protect, and guide you. May He bring you supernatural peace beyond all human understanding. May He help you compose a letter from your heart, with His touch added to reach into the hearts of your children. Forgive yourself, my dear! God will too, just ask! My advice is different, and unorthodox. It's just me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2021): Stop providing for this spoiled brat of a daughter.Do you think she will provide for you in your old age???Is that why you spend all your money on her???Stop now!!!!Save your money because when you get old she will not take care of you.She will spend all of your money if you let her though.You had a heart attack....You will have another if you keep going like this.Keep your money you will need it because all you can count on is yorself.Is your other child like this too??I personally would keep all my money and if I ever did visit would stay at a hotel where you at least get air conditioning a bed and clean bedding.I also would alter my will to leave everything to the grand child in a trust she cannot ever touch.You have been used...time to stop that.
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