A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Since March of last year I have been full-time telecommuting. My spouse is unemployed and has been for a few years now although she always worked before. She quit her job because it was stressful to her and I make so much more money than she does that we could afford to have her unemployed for a bit, although we have certain life goals we can't meet unless she is working, too, and we are falling farther and farther behind at being able to meet them while she is unemployed. We have no children so that's not a concern.From the beginning of the pandemic, she has made it clear that I am intruding on her space and disrupting her schedule by doing my work in the living room, which is where she used to spend her mornings. Now she has to go into the kitchen, upstairs to the den, or outside on the patio. I want to say that the living room is (and was) the only room I have ever considered mine. Every other room is full of her stuff and conditions just aren't suitable for working. We have have a very small house and we have talked about turning the guest bedroom into an office, but that would take money (mainly for furniture) that I can't afford to spend and I can't do my work sitting on a bed. I never, ever saw my spouse in the living room except in the mid-morning (say, 9am-11am) anyway. It's not like she spent her days there. I think it's not a big sacrifice for her.From my side, what I have witnessed is how little she does with her day. She gets up pretty early (well before me) but by 11am she is usually still in pajamas and not showered. She will sip coffee and watch TV or sometimes work on crafts - sometimes both at the same time.I was never under the impression that she was slaving away as a homemaker (the state of the house shows that clearly) but over the past year I have been able to see that when I went off to work at 7:30am she didn't do anything at all until noon at the earliest.She says she has been looking for work and trying to put together a resume and has all of these chores and projects that she needs to get done, but I don't see it. She gets up, makes breakfast, watches TV, has coffee, might do some laundry (her own only as I do my own), maybe works out, and then decides if she wants to shower or not afterwards. We go out to lunch together and then in the afternoon she might work out (if she didn't in the morning) or work on her projects - the current one is going through and printing out old photos to archive.She will cook dinner almost every day (the one chore she does reliably do and I am appreciative of it) and then I do the dishes, but she always threatens to stop cooking because she "feels like a slave." It's the one consistent thing she does when she gets upset at me - tells me I am on my own for dinner. This past year has really opened my eyes to what my wife has been doing with her time. She seems depressed and, quite frankly, also lazy. Even now she talks about all the cleaning and "straightening up" she has to do and I am left thinking "You washed the bedding and remade the beds and (other than cooking dinner) that was your entire chore for the day. I could have done that before lunch EVEN WHILE telecommuting because the washing machine does most of the work!"If I tell her something like that she says that she's not like me and it takes her a while to get going in the morning. I never realized how little she actually does around here and it is making me rethink my entire marriage - not because I think my wife should be my slave, but because I was thinking we would be partners and I am seeing that not only is she not contributing financially but also not particularly in terms of household chores either. As for this mythical job hunt, it is clear it is not happening and hasn't been happening. She blames COVID-19 for that, but I can tell that's just an excuse. She keeps telling me she can't wait for me to go back to the office so that she can get her space back again and on my end I am thinking "It's my space, too, and I am not going into work every day to support this lifestyle for you." If I tell her anything like that she says: "In a year (dunno what magically happens in a year) I'll have a job and then I'll leave and be out of your hair" which is exactly what I DO NOT want to hear. So when she finally gets on her feet again she will leave and meantime I should just help her make that happen?I think about filing for divorce just about every day. Is that it? Is there any hope that things might change?
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (19 June 2021):
 You need to sit down and have a really good talk to her. She's actually behaving like a retired woman much older than herself. Assuming she is a similar age to yourself she ought to be 'up and out and about' and doing things. You need to point out to her that's she's acting like somebody 20 odd years older than herself. I think she needs a short sharp shock. Tell her what you've told us. Tell her in positive language not in a moaning sort of way. Tell her to get off her arse and do something about herself, how would she feel if you behaved like that and she was the one doing all the hard work bringing in the money. If she doesn't sort herself out then I would consider separating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2021): Hello, It sounds like you are a hard working, healthy person who is at the heart of it starting to resent your wife for not working as hard as you, or perhaps being as you would like her to be. Just hear me out..We are all learning about our loved ones and ourselves all the time. There is never a time when you can say you ‘know it all’ or that the issue is ‘simple’ because we are always changing beings, and so whereas things were probably very different in the past for you two, you do not seem at peace with how your wife is living right now, nor your emotions at being able to accept how she is.We all have expectations, for ourselves and for others, the problem begins when two people do not have the same expectations, or when one person feels like they are doing the lion’s share in whatever area of the relationship.Have you asked her why she finds it so hard to ‘get going’ in the morning? Maybe she is depressed or unhappy. It sounds like she is making an effort to fill her day, but either she is not really happy (content) with what she is using to fill her time, or you would like her to choose other things to do..?We all show unhappiness or uneasiness in different ways. Is she busying herself while inwardly anxious, depressed or demotivated?You know your wife and your relationship more than you put into words here, but ‘you never realised’ how little she was supposedly doing, when you point out that she already does not keep the house squeaky clean and don’t mention friends or many hobbies etc. There must be more going on. Is it unacceptable that your wife do what she is doing? I wonder why you got into a position where she wasn’t just doing ‘the household’ washing, instead of only certain items, for example. There’s a question on division somewhere.Do you not trust her to do your washing, or can she not do more things for you both to help out and make you both feel better and more accomplished with tasks?Covid and the changing state of the world means that everything is uncertain and an awful lot of people are frustrated and depressed, understandably.Not seeing people (due to restrictions) and not having that freedom to go out, watching favourite businesses or venues shut down and so on IS very disconcerting, life is changing at a rapid pace, and whether or not your wife lived like this way BEFORE covid, it sounds like you are both having a hard time adjusting to living within the same space. This is normal. It’s OK!All couples are tested when they have to spend any large amount of time together without a break.. or lack of space to express oneself; it seems like YOU are the one who is suffering with living alongside your wife, who is used to her environment (regardless of if she is happy or not) and you don’t feel at home due to normally being away for hours at work, yet it is your house too. Am I right in saying your wife’s personality seems everywhere to you, while your influence is diminished? Maybe you need to suggest and then to save up for some inexpensive changes that will in the long run make you feel like it’s more your home too. Perhaps this should have been done before anyway, or did it not matter before, when you both worked or you were out of the house more often? Thoughts…Talk to your wife. Please. It’s the least you can do.For goodness sake, tell her you love her and that you want to make it work (IF you do!) before mentioning such things are breaking up..It sounds like you are tired, that things have compounded, and that your wife probably has problems too of her own kind.Just like your job is important to you, her role (or who she is) is connected to her value, so when you express distaste for her lack of doing things, however big or small, she probably feels de-valued and that her ‘existence’ if you like, has come into question. You still have your work, you are able to do productive things, maybe she feels in some way that she cannot, or that what she CAN do is somehow not enough? It sounds to me that she she is snapping a you because she feels threatened, not because she means what she says.. We all say things we don’t mean when we are upset or cross. I am sure she loves you but you are both in a rut and i think you need to express more appreciation for each other and what you CAN do for each other, instead of threatening to go separate ways.Good luck. Life is short. Remember that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2021): Let's address the matter regarding her employment status; since that's your primary concern it seems.
Do you love her? People usually decide the fate of a marriage based on their feelings and emotions towards their spouse. Your post reads like a performance review.
Yet you don't bother to give any information about her skill-set, or job-qualifications. What she did when she was actively in the workforce. Many people have outdated job-skills. That makes work unfulfilling and stressful. Certain types of jobs have recently become nonexistent, or are in very low demand. For many, their college degrees are essentially useless!
Some people don't have a clue what they'd do, if they had to cross-train into another field of employment?
Yet cross-training is the answer, of course. If your old job-skills are no longer needed; you have to learn how to do something else. My grandfather always said, learn how to do a little of this and a little of that. Be good at whatever you do! Get some experience under your belt; it will come-in handy someday! His advice is true, and I listened to it! I've always found myself work! You still can't forgo an education! Be it completing your high school diploma, college degree, or earning a certificate at an accredited trade school! Degrees don't guarantee jobs in your field, or a six-figure paycheck! Good trade schools usually find their students job-placement upon graduation.
You may have to learn to be flexible, or a jack of all trades!
With the post-covid demand for workers; I think the wise employer should consider offering extensive on-the-job training. Offering applicable advances in technology. Which includes placement and cross-training assistance for their existing staff, and outside applicants. Essential to build a workforce that serves their specific needs; while creating opportunities for advancement. Providing occupational consultation; and providing various levels of training, relevant to their industry. Not everyone wants to work for Amazon! It would help to pay a decent and competitive wage while you're at it!
I think she's caught in limbo, and has no idea what she would do if she went back to work. Her job-skills are rusty. If she has been out of work for a year, or longer; she can't just march right back into a job. Job-applications require work history, and large gaps in employment make prospective employers nervous. Don't believe the news media, or listen to politicians; listen to what job-applicants and employees tell you! When you feel useless, and unappreciated, it sucks the life-force out of you. Being confined and threatened by a potentially deadly virus didn't help!
I would suggest that she see her doctor; and be evaluated for clinical depression. Sometimes people suffer from untreated anemia, and have no clue why they feel so lethargic or tired all the time? They might lack energy for a combination of reasons. That could be attributed to both emotional and physiological disorder. You can still force yourself to work-out or keep busy. That's no indication all is well, or necessarily mean you're lazy. Though laziness is also symptomatic of illness.
People who have reached an age milestone of 30, or over; often look back, and become disillusioned when they've done an assessment of their life's accomplishments. The past year has dealt a nasty blow to people who were laid-off, had their career goals and aspirations delayed; or their places of employment went completely under. Leaving them all in a lurch! In confinement, people see nothing but doom and gloom online, the news is wacky, and politics has become something manufactured by demons in the bowels of hell! It seems covid also has some kind of effect on the brain and human-behavior; beyond being just a deadly respiratory viral-infection!!!
I suppose your wife doesn't know what to do with herself; and she may realize she no longer has marketable job-skills. I'm only guessing that she's also in her 30's. Where does one start from there, when you've been out of the workforce as long as she has? It's scary and intimidating, even for people who've worked from home the past year! Now they have to return to offices, work stations, and cubicles! Forced to mingle with co-workers they've gotten used to seeing only on-screen. Most of us were like busts of our head and shoulders appearing on ZOOM! With toddlers and pets structing around in the background!
I do have the luxury of being in or out of my private office whenever I please. Of course, following some very stiff safety protocols. Always wearing a mask, and ducking-out of the area before the cleaning people with disinfectants ascended upon the place! I'm vaccinated, of course! I'll take my chances with, rather than without!
I think you should have your wife get a thorough medical examination. Maybe help her to find employment. Investigating and looking into those new innovative businesses; that are willing to train their work staff. It gives a rusty employee, or a cross-trainee some added skills; and more confidence when they've been away from the workforce. Be that due to child-rearing, extended-unemployment, recovery from illness; or recently completing their degrees.
You don't mention whether you have any affection left for your wife. You only connection to her seems somewhat "professional." It's as if she has been placed under review by an efficiency expert; before downsizing staff. Eliminating the deadweight and shaving the fat through cost-cuts! Canning those retirement-aged employees through a calculated method of attrition! You're ready to put her out to pasture; and/or find her replacement! This is a marriage, you're not just considering the bottom-line here. You mention nothing of the emotional aspect for any of this! I gather you're sick of being married.
Before you go the route of divorce; please address the emotional condition of your marriage. Unlike running a business, I think there's more to consider than efficiency and fiscal expediency. Your approach is rather cut and dry. She's your wife, and a person. Not a servant, or an employee!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 June 2021):
 While I can totally understand all the points you are making, have you actually sat your wife down and asked her, gently and sensitively, why she acts as she does? I ask this because, to me, she sounds like she may be suffering with her mental health. She sounds like she is slowly losing the will to help herself. When someone is in a deep dark hole, even the smallest expectations or changes can seem enormous and overwhelming. Perhaps your first step should be to take her to see a doctor?
I suspect her threats to leave are just that: empty threats thrown at you in self defence, because she feels attacked.
Perhaps couples counselling would be a good idea? Neither of you sounds happy. Perhaps some counselling can help you work out your next step and if there is any hope of saving your marriage or whether you would both be better going your separate ways?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2021): You say yourself that she seems depressed , the. You add ‘and also lazy ‘
You do realise that depression can make people very apathetic and lazy don’t you ?
It seems clear to me that this woman is very depressed and it’s also clear you don’t respect her
It seems you might BOTH be much happier divorced
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): Yet another post about a wife who is self entitled and living a carefree life while husband works but bemoans about doing housework. I'd love to be in that position where I don't have to think about working to keep a roof over my head.
Sounds to me like you are best off without her, see if another man would be willing to "keep her" I doubt many would
You're young, she sounds like a drain, I'd be telling her to shape up or ship out!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): I'm sorry to hear your story. Talk to the lawyer before talking to your wife. She doesn't want a husband, she wants a provider. Like a child. I have lost my job 2 weeks before the pandemic. It hit me hard. I mean seriously hard, like depression hard. But I do everything I need to (look for a job, write CVs, letters...clean, cook, etc.) and then I take a break, when everything's done. Right now I work from home, it's a short-term deal and I'm being paid in cash. And I still do all the chores. My only problem at this moment is that I'm a bit impatient and find it hard to listen to my husband complaining about his work. But that's because I'm depressed and need some time to be left alone, after I do all that I have to do. My point is she's behaving exactly the way she wants, like any narcissist. She's threatening to leave you, basically saying that once she's able to earn money she will no longer need you. Prepare well your exit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 June 2021):
 I would talk to a lawyer FIRST (before you tell her you are considering divorce).
So you can know exactly what you MAY have to pay for (alimony etc) Since she hasn't worked for a few years. Even if she is a fully-abled person who COULD work, but chooses NOT to.
She sounds manipulative. " I'll have a job and then I'll leave and be out of your hair". She doesn't like to be told that you have expectations of her. She wants you to say, oh no don't leave, and then maybe you'll shut up about her getting a job.
Yes, she MIGHT be depressed. However, she feels good enough to work out and do hobbies. So I don't know. I feel it's a bit of a cop-out.
Make you should ask her HOW she is doing. Don't bring up ALL the things she isn't doing, just ask her.
See what she says.
Again, TALK to a lawyer first. KNOW what you might HAVE to pay for and maintain in case of a divorce.
As for furniture for a home office? Find a few thrift stores and see what you can get. I have refinished quite a few pieces of furniture I bought from Thrift stores. There are some good gems out there. Or Facebook market. some are even free if you just pick them up. A thing to consider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): From what you describe she seems quite lazy. If she is applying for work, how many jobs has she really applied for? Hundreds? Or just a handful? Could she get part time work? To be honest it must be boring for her too if all she does it sit at home, do some home workouts and chores. After a year of that, most people would probably be depressed. If she is depressed ask that she seeks medical help for it. If shes just lazy then you have two options 1) put up with it or 2) dont and leave.
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