A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I cannot stop thinking about my girlfriend's sexual past. I have asked about it and regret doing so because I can't stop thinking about it and have found out she has had sex with more people than I have but she hasn't said how many and won't. She has told me shes had a guy with a bigger penis and that sucks to know even though she said she didn't like it. And she also keeps talking to ex boyfriends and complains how a friendship with one went bad and she hates that he cant be friends with one still. Why can't she just get over them especially when they are complete tools. Any help on this would be great, especially on thinking about her past. Thanks
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female
reader, HU(wo)MAN +, writes (3 July 2009):
I am experiencing this myself, on the receiving end of the jealousy, it is unjustified and it sucks. I never realized how many people deal with this, mostly men. The circumstances always vary. Man can be torn up over a kiss on the cheek. Just because your partner has made poor decisions in the past does not mean that you two cannot enjoy something special. In fact, the mistakes make it more likely that she will appreciate the unique comfort of committed love making. Don't be so hard on her as she is human, treat her with the dignities you would expect for yourself. Ignorance is bliss, don't ask what you really don't want to know. What I've learned from my experience is NOT to be honest if this is the typical male response. I will give you this though, she should not mention so many details knowing that you will feel hurt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): what if she continues in the future with her past behaviour. and the ex thing communication has to stop.
she doesn't seem focused and committed in this relationship - is it an exclusive one?
some people like variety and numbers. perhaps she is one of them that just cannot be with one person. and you are just one of those numbers in her young life. i don't think she will stop sleeping around. maybe for a while but she will get the urge to move on again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I don't agree about retroactive jealousy being all an insecurity thing.
It can be insecurity sometimes but it's not that simple. If you've got a way shorter list than your partner then it can be a matter of values. You've held sex in higher regard than he/she has. There is nothing wrong or sick about wanting to be with someone else for whom it still means the same thing as it does to you. This can rule out some decent people but that's life. We rule out dating decent people every day for thousands of reasons that are a hell of a lot more petty than this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I hate to tell you but this is gonna eat you alive. It will be hard to ever trust her. She sounds like a married man looking to cheat dream girl, not marriage material. Sorry but she should never have told you all of that. Now you can't get the picture out of your head. I wish you well.
s
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 This does come up a lot. Here are some previous discussions that might help:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): It’s called retroactive jealousy. It’s based on our insecurities as men. It sucks. I'm going through the same thing; so are a lot of guys on this site.
You are just going to have to live with it, because its how this shitty world works these days.
In my experience, most girls in our age group (not all, but most) will spread their legs for anyone who treats them like a disposable tissue. As long as a girl has low self-esteem she’ll hop from bed to bed with no regards for anyone who might actually love her or something like that. Of course, if someone treats them with any love or respect, they usually put them into the friend zone until they reach the age where they realize that their biological clock is ticking and they decide they want a “nice man” to marry so they can have someone help raise and pay for their babies.
You see girls can have sex whenever they want. Guys on the other hand have to work for it. For guys, sex is trial and error. Guys can spend weeks or months trying to laid without getting anything. All girls have to do, on the other hand, is go to a bar (or a gym, or online, or a bookstore, etc.) and pick what ever dick they’d like to ride for the evening.
So basically, if you are bothered because her number is larger than yours, get used to it. Its not only larger, it is probably several times larger. I often wonder what it must be like to have had as many of partners most girls I know have had. What is it like to have memories of those different shapes, sizes, sounds, smells, and techniques? It blows my mind. But I digress.
If you’re a guy, once you get passed the age of twenty or so, forget the idea of sex being an unique or special experience between two people who love each other. By the time you date a girl past that age, she’ll have already had someone who’s been bigger or better than you.
You are young. If you are bothered by this, why commit to anyone now? Why not get a little more notches in your own belt. Maybe then, you'll have had enough partners to know that it doesn’t matter how many men have had their way with your girl. If you wait too long, it will be too late, you'll end up married with kids wondering why you wasted your youth on long term relationships.
You simply have to stop treating sex like its something special or sacred. That ship sailed a couple of generations ago. Sex is cheap. Get used to it.
Now for this other guy from her past that she won’t let go of? If she expects you to be committed to her, then she needs to cut this guy out completely. No matter how much she says things are just platonic, he’ll always be waiting for a moment of vulnerability to jump her again.
Think about it, whenever you two have a fight, or she’s mad at you, or depressed, or feels fat, or she is just bored, he’ll be waiting for her to come over and screw the living daylights out of him. If you value fidelity at all, this guy is bad news.
Sorry for the long (and depressing post) but that’s reality. My advice is to go out and be like every other guy out there and get as much as you can. Because the girls out there sure are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): It's in the past and you have no reason to judge her on that... Besides, didn't you ask her? Maybe you can tell her that her ex's need to be in the past and your not comfortable with her talking about them so often. This is a good lesson on asking questions that you really don't want the answers to huh.... The past is the past.
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A
male
reader, alphamale +, writes (12 May 2009):
this girl is quite a catch is she? i say move on, because you'll only get hurt
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