A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Can't seem to say no to sex anymore and actually mean it. What should I do?Hi I'm 18 and I've had sex with two guys, including the one I lost my virginity to. He was a friend and still is, but he occasionally flirts and I respond to it. We hung out a few times to see if we could become anything more and after a while we just became friends with benefits. Which for some sad reason I told him I was okay with even though I knew I wanted more from a guy (not necessarily from him). We did the fwb thing for about two months, every few weeks but still behaved as just friends. I don't regret the way I lost my virginity because although there was no romantic love (which I was initially looking for) we love each other and respect eachother as friends, and I'd say that beats losing it on some drunken night out with date rapists or weirdos. We've known eachother for a few years and I trusted him, and he never gave me a reason to doubt it.Nevertheless I told myself that the next person I have sex with would be the love of my life, or at the least he would have to say and show that he loves me. But then I stupidly fell into the same trap,maybe even worse and had sex recently with a guy I've known for a few weeks. It was *not* meant to happen and I hate myself for giving it up so easy (the first guy, my friend, had to wait months of hanging out before we slept together). I stupidly let my guard down and he salvaged the opportunity. I'm not saying it's his fault I had sex with him, it's mine, he wasn't going to try anything if I protested and in the moment I didn't protest. I guess I figured "I'm not a virgin anymore so why does it matter who I have sex with?" That was not the attitude to have and although we get along well and have gotten to know eachother a little, we'd never even been out on a date in the short time we've known eachother, just mainly phone conversations since we met. I don't think I was mentally ready for sex again but my body was telling me I was.As cliqué as it'll sound now I really want a relationship, but the only guys I seem to attract only want one thing. It's starting to seem like I only want one thing, but I don't, I just seem to keep falling into the same trap and repeating the same mistakes. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 October 2017):
 Well if you put out to quick then most guys will loose respect for you and not see you as potential girlfriend material. Even if they suggest sex say no you are not ready. Don't use sex as a way to get close to guys as they will loose all respect as I said.
It might be best to take some time out and work on your confidence. It seems you think just because you are no longer a virgin that it is okay to have sex with anyone, and it is if you are safe and that is what you want. But if you want a relationship then hold off until you really get to know someone, if you meet a guy who only wants one thing then leave him be and don't have sex with him.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 October 2017):
 You need to tell yourself you are worth better - and mean it.
I would like to set you a challenge. PLEASE take this up at least once so you can see how it feels. Next time some guy wants to have sex with you when you are not 100% sure you want it too, say "No, thank you" and walk away with your head held high. I would like you to have the self-confidence to do that and to realize only YOU should have a say in who you have sex with. It should be saved for special relationships or when YOU really want it, not just given away because some guy wants it and it's easier just to go with the flow.
You've tried it now. There is no "mystery" any more. Now find someone special and try it again and see the difference.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2017):
 Start by keeping "hangouts" to public places. That is number 1. Number two is learning to say no, thanks.
I think right now you have decided that your self-worth is zero. Unfortunately, a girl who does NOT value herself will not be valued highly by others either.
Have some standards and STICK to them.
Of course, it doesn't help that your hormones give you signals to have sex and your minds say, nope...
I agree that YOU need to weed out the guy who just wants to use you, your body. And you do that by NOT settling for FWB and casual sex.
As for not regretting the first time with your friend, that is good. Because there is no point in regretting it. You can't "unscramble those eggs". At least it was with someone who cares for you, even if it is in a limited manner.
So, no using Tindr apps and other hook-up apps where most guy ARE just looking for some casual sex.
Set yourself some standards. Stick to these standards.
GUYS will NOT like you more if you have sex with them ASAP. They certainly won't respect you either, more so because you don't respect yourself.
TAKE your time getting to know a guy before you hit the sack.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2017): Don't use sex as a way to seek approval from guys. You have learned the power of sexuality; and you know that it gets attention from guys. If it comes too easy, they start to loose respect for you. You will also start to feel bad and lose respect for yourself.
If a guy originally has any intention of sticking around in the beginning to get to know you; they'd figure you weren't really serious anyway, when sex comes too quickly. So the sex is the only thing they'll come around for. Then leave.
If you want to have a real relationship. Delay the sex until you know they like you for you; not just sex. They can get sex from any girl. They don't have to feel anything for you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 October 2017):
 Very simple fix.
Make people work for it, get to know the guy first, go on dates, if he isn't interested in that then you know he only wants sex so you're weeding out the bad guys. Someone who's genuinely interested will have no issue with waiting until you're ready.
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