A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I suppose this might be my fault but my boyfriend and I haven't spoken in the last 24 hours because of...laundry.Enter scene: I'm a 25 year old working two jobs currently (soon to quit one to go back to school). He is a 29 year old working on his master's with no job currently.Sunday morning: I woke up on the brink of death (Aunt Flo arrived) my head was pounding and I was cramping. He was nice enough to make a very nice lunch but I felt ill after and retreated to our room to read. Next thing I know he comes in and starts gathering clothes, I ask why and he says it is to do laundry. I say well, since the dryer is not working, let us go to my mother's and do them (some weirdo has been borrowing clothes from our clothing line outside). He snorted and said "You always say that and never do it." Yes, I said it earlier in the week, but honestly, felt so exhausted that it slipped my mind. I have my car in the shop, school, 16 hour shifts, and I was a bit overwhelmed. The weekend before, I scrubbed down the bathroom, the kitchen and the bedroom with no help from him at all and never once complained because I knew that he was busy with his thesis work.So I ask him: "Are you telling me I never do laundry?"He snorted again and said: "Not this week." I brought out the basket, called my mom and asked her if she could please grab me on the way home from work. I left to do laundry. Yes, this may have been passive aggressive of me but I just felt SO angry. Recently, I've been feeling like getting away from him more and more and it hurts to think because he's a good man and I do care for him. It's just that the next three years are going to be so difficult and I just don't see him as a partner who would be 100% by my side. Little things like this happen and then, we talk and I find out that he has different viewpoints. Like, he has over 150,000 in debt for student loans. My mom suggested we live with her in her 5-bedroom to save money on rent and pay off our bills. I liked the idea but his main reason for not accepting was: I hate living with people. I'm a loner too at times but I thought that biting the bullet and living there for at least 6 months could really help us. I just feel like he doesn't understand me at times and this not talking over a laundry argument is making me wonder how compatible we are after all.
View related questions:
debt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (21 October 2017):
 You don't need to resort to the thought of breaking up because honestly, everybody and i mean everybody, has their issues within their respective relationships, no matter how close they are.
It's a very normal part of any relationship and if you can both get through the hard times together then guess what?
You'll have conquered an obstacle that btw, you ought look at as a healthy relational challenge and if you get through it, the two of you will only grow bigger, better and stronger together.
Small arguments are moreso tolerable/acceptable, but it's the huge ones, like becoming verbally aggressive and/or physical, or controlling, that are dangerous and should be ended.
Regardless of who you're with, you'd have a new set of obstacles and challenges, so better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.
You are both stressed out for various reasons and instead of arguing and getting on each others nerves, you should both try your very best to sit down and talk about your respective feelings.
Good, open communication is really the key to success, if you're both to survive the long haul.
If you work together as a team, i truly believe that you can both carve out a positive future together.
Your partner should try working part-time or casual, even 1 or 2 days per week, whilst he studies, just to take some of the burden off you.
This may take some serious discipline on his part, but he can do it and i know that many people do it every single day.
I work 2 jobs part-time, even though my husband has a very good job, however, i do it solely because i choose to, not because my husband forces me to do it, but i'm ok with that, because it provides us with even more financial flexibility.
Some day in the near future, i may have the absolute luxury of not having to work 2 jobs, or work at all, if i have that option.
It is hard to balance the study/work life, however, sometimes we simply have to make sacrifices to help the one we love.
As the two of you grow together and as you get older, you'll come to realise that you'll always have to contend with "stuff", with "differences of opinion", with life in general, so try not to let the wee arguments throw you both off track.
Together, get right back on those rails and work through things together and be strong, be focused.
You can both do it, but you have to be committed to doing it all together.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2017):
 He may not understand you, but do you understand him? I doubt this is about laundry and more about both off you feeling fed up. You both need to sit down and talk.
If chores around the house cause arguments then maybe you could both do up a rota where things are evened out 50/50 over the course off the week. It sounds like you are stressed and therefore you are tired and taking it out on each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 October 2017):
 This was not really an argument. He started something so that he could get some space, to ponder about the future. At 29 with no job and tons of debt, reality hits him that he has no idea how to pay it off, let alone supporting you. His being critical of you is to hide his insecurity that he has little to offer you, if not drag you down with his debt. He is part of the reason why you are working 16 hour shifts, just so that you can live independently from your parents. It's hardly worth it if you have no life at the end of the day to enjoy it with your boyfriend.
You have worked hard enough. The only thing left to do is to be patient and be supportive of his studies. At the same time being realistic about whether your future with him works. This would be a test of how strong your love is, and how resourceful he is, to be able to start working on a career that helps him move up the ladder. A relationship would not work without a solid financial plan. This is for him to figure out.
...............................
|
