A
female
age
,
*azzie
writes:Hi AllMy husband is addicted to Facebook, constantly checking his Facebook even when we are out shopping/socialising etc. I have had to accept this and we have had many arguments over it. He does not listen.Recently he has set up an Instagram account and follows two female friends. He does not tell me or show me any of their photos on there. I look when I can, and what I have seen is making me frustrated and angry to be honest. One of the females is posting a lot of photos of herself in very revealing barely there, leaves nothing to the imagination clothes, I am sure it is only a matter of time before she poses completely naked, if that is allowed. She has recently split with her hubby and has a little girl. Not a good role model if her child sees her posing like this.So hubby is commenting on these photos with words like "pulsatingly, amazing" and saying he likes dress number 4 the best and things like "you go girl" .Then sometimes when I look again his comments have disappeared strangely enough, so obviously he is hiding it from me, he knows that I know he has an Instagram acoount as he told me when he set it up and I have told him that I am not happy with this as I am not sure but I think that all the photos on his phone can be viewed by anybody who looks or follows him, is that true??So on to my problem, do I just come out and tell him that I have looked at his Instagram and that I am not happy with the comments he puts on there regarding this female's suggestive poses, and suggests he deletes his Instagram account, of course he could just go and set up another one and not tell me.Hubby is a porn addict by the way and to me this is just tapping into his porn fantasies, not a good thing for a married man.Thank you all for reading this and your advice will be most welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): I"m so glad you're going to read the book. I hope it helps you as he isn't just an author, he has the kind of experience and insight which will help you with the sort of problems you are facing.
Please heed my words about counselling until you have read it. Then you will understand why better than it seems than I can get across.
Good luck with everything and take care if you decide to leave. Again the book will help you how to do so safely.
As I have said, I've been through this more times than I care to remember, have learnt my lesson and am happy now.
I very much wish the same for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): To the anonymous reader. I hope you didn't take any offense. I have stood between a violent attacker and his victim. I have picked-up victims very close to me; to get them out of harm's way. I know first-hand what physical-abuse is. I wasn't suggesting victims of physical-domestic violence personally confronting someone who may cause them harm. I'm talking about attending to the emotional-damage and trauma. We can't treat ourselves for that. Reading is definitely good in minor situations.
Licensed counselors or therapists offer referrals to group-therapy, mental-health treatment providers, shelters, and may provide other resources that the general-public isn't always aware of. They wouldn't misguide victims of abuse, or side with their abusers. This could be misunderstood. It should be made clear this is not the norm. Certainly not something to be expected.
Therapy can help resolve issues that may cause the abused to return to the abusive situation by offering a professional evaluation of the victim's mental-health. We often try to avoid doctors, and do-it-yourself treatments aren't always very effective.
Authors have their theories; but it's always good to seek help through available professional sources who can answer questions and provide mental-health support when needed. Of course reading is informational; but therapy administers treatment, and gets to the psychological-causes or reasons we sometimes remain in unhealthy situations. It can also determine the depth of any psychological-trauma sustained or impending. To clarify where I'm coming from.
The OP is quite astute, and offered more details that prompted my additional advice. By no means was it intended to undermine your excellent advice.
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female
reader, kazzie +, writes (18 October 2017):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi to all you wonderful people who have taken the time to reply.I will read the book by Prof Lundy Bancroft, thank you so much for your insight.I know that I am the only person who can decide on whether or not my marriage continues, it is a difficult decision, I know that he is an abuser, an emotional abuser, not a physical abuser, but they are both as bad.If he had wanted to do anything about his porn addiction he would have, he has done nothing, saying that he will/has stopped, but all he has done is try to hide it better.I have to ask myself the question, do I want to live the rest of my life like this?? I don't want to get to an age where I regret wasting time and thinking I should have done it years ago, so many people end up like that, it is so sad.I really do appreciate all your input and thank you all so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): The advice I gave about not going with her husband for counselling was for her protection. Maybe if you haven't experienced abuse, it's difficult to imagine therapists words being used against you by your partner. Not for nothing do psychotherapists properly trained in abuse warn against it. For normal relationship problems with both parties wanting a happy outcome then it's obviously a good idea. Also alone has its merits but again it has to be with a therapist affiliated to Refuge or The Freedom Programme. Not very many people really understand this topic it would seem. Also stated in literature such as I have mentioned, it does absolutely no good to talk, because the other party does not want a happy outcome. To vent is a good idea but with the right people. Abusive men can most definitely turn nasty when their partner starts to stand their ground and god help you if you criticise. The book I mentioned will help this lady to make positive changes, but will help her to make them in a safe way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2017): I don't usually oppose advice given by others; but I do disagree that you shouldn't let your husband know how you feel. He may or may not bother to listen; but at least make an attempt. Nor should the use of therapy be dismissed; because you have no way of knowing whether it will help until you try it. There are good and bad therapist or counselors. If it doesn't help, you get an A for effort.
If you can't handle something by yourself, don't bypass professional-help. If he doesn't agree to go, seek it yourself to gain the courage to leave him. If that's what it takes. You have to deal with your stress and anxiety; so it doesn't become a chronic health-issue.
It's not for his sake; but for yours. Before making a final decision on what becomes of your marriage; you need closure. You need to vent how you feel into the ears of the perpetrator.
There is a reason why the victim of crimes, or their families, get to say their piece to the convicted criminal upon sentencing. It is to release their feelings, and to let it all out. It's not because the criminal gives a damn. They deserve to ask why; and to express emotionally precisely how much pain was caused by their actions. It establishes and reaffirms the charges and sentence received.
You don't allow fear and intimidation to make you internalize your feelings; because he might retaliate, or use them to hurt you. The damage is already done. Silence empowers him. Speaking-out, you're making your declaration of independence; and proclaiming your freedom from his hold over you. You will be a victim no more!
You have a right to tell the man you have given 39 years of your life exactly what his behavior has done to you. You have a right to get it off your chest. Not to change him; but to change YOU! You have passively allowed this to continue all throughout the marriage. Maybe you discovered it several years in; but you dismissed it, although you know it continued.
Well, I guess now it's time to seek legal-advice. Therapists are only useful when both parties within a relationship want to save or salvage what they have. The questions I asked were not for me, my dear. They were to get you to look inwardly; and to see your marriage for what it is.
Now it is up to you to decide if it is worth anymore of your heart and sanity to continue even another year of your life with this man. It's so much better to reach these conclusions on your own; than to be influenced by others. We don't know either of you personally. We get one-side of the story.
Women love hard and deep. They often forgive to a fault. It takes time to reach the decision that a relationship cannot continue. So, rather than telling you to leave your husband; I think you can make that decision based on your own conclusions of what your marriage is, and what it's worth to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2017): No use having a word with the so-called friend. Even if she stopped (which she probably would not) your husband would find a new "friend" willing to post provocative pics. I think you should confess to him that you've snooped. Apologize, but make it clear that he has disrespected and hurt you. Best to get these things out in the open and deal with them in a mature manner. Unfortunately, if he is addicted to this sort of thing, he will likely keep doing it behind your back. If he isn't willing to get counseling for his addiction then you have to decide whether or not you can continue to put up with this behavior.
Best to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2017): Hi I feel that I have to reply to your post. I did answer you before, but now that you have provided this extra information I can tell you hand on heart with 100% conviction that your husband is emotionally and sexually abusive. I have been in three abusive relationships plus my father was abusive towards my mother and us, his children to a certain extent. Probably why I became attracted to abusive men myself.Whilst in my third abusive relationship I found a book about abusive relationships and I was so surprised to see so much of his behaviour between the pages in black and white. To realise that the unfair screaming for example when you have done nothing wrong (as my boyfriend did to me too) was all done on purpose. To make me unsure of myself and insecure. The idolising of certain women when we went out even though he constantly assured me that he would never make me feel upset or jealous. So it was hard to believe when he would do exactly that.Abusive men have a whole load of tactics that they use. To never let you initiate sex being one of them. These abusive men like to call the shots in the relationship. In fact they don't just like to, it is imperative to them that they do so and that you are submissive and co operative. They are also brilliant company, loving and affectionate and can make you feel amazing.They mix the nice behaviour up with the nasty behaviour so you never know where you stand. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you wonder who you're going to be dealing with on a daily or hourly basis? Dr. Jekyll or Mr Hyde?I read so many books on the subject of abuse in adult relationships that I can now spot abusive behaviour a mile away. Doing what he's doing with these women on line is another way to distress you and make you more insecure. To make sure you try harder to get and keep his attention. He leaves his comments on there long enough for you to see them and leaves his device available to you for you to see that he has deleted them giving you cause to believe that you have something to worry about. I thought it was strange that he didn't really cover his tracks very well. Now I can see why.I know that this is probably hard for you to take in and believe but if you can trust in what I'm saying and start to look at his actions and behaviour through the eyes of someone who now knows what he's up to, I think you will start to see it for yourself. The best book that I ever read on this subject is called 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It is so well written, explains everything so well and he writes with such sympathy and understanding. He worked with abusive men for fifteen years and got to see and know how they work first hand. He shares this information with you. Everything that you mentioned in your follow up post about your husband's behaviour is in that book. Please read it. It will help you enormously. Also please do not go to any kind of counselling with this man. Even counsellors or psychotherapists who list abuse as their speciality are actually not qualified to deal with abuse at all in my experience. Professor Lundy Bancroft also states this fact. It's because they are all trained that any problems in a relationship are 50/50 and that you are part of the problem. In an abusive relationship the person being abused is usually very accommodating, kind, trying to keep the abusive partner happy to avoid an abusive outburst, when in reality that's not possible. What is fine for them one day is the worst thing in the world the next. You can't win. So a counsellor will lay half the blame at your door and your husband will have a field day. I have even seen on a television programme recently a psychotherapist staying that the man wasn't getting his needs met and that this was the reason for the man's awful behaviour. If a normal person is not getting their needs met in a relationship then they must talk and discuss with their partner. And if their partner is a normal person then they will listen and hear you. There is no excuse for intimidating, controlling and upsetting behaviour but therapists tend to make excuses for it. If you ever need to go to counseling alone, go to someone affiliated with either Refuge or The Freedom Programme as they really do understand about abuse. Sorry to go on for so long but the book will explain it all much better than I can. One final thought. In my experience, telling my abusive partner about how I was feeling just gave him more ammunition to hurt me with. I once told him that I was worried about moving in with him because I would have nowhere to go when we ' argued'. He assured me I could always stay in his place and he would move out whilst I found somewhere if we decided to break up. When I believed and trusted him and moved in, is when the abuse escalated and when I tried to stand up for myself by objecting to his behaviour, he told me to leave if I didn't like it. Knowing I had nowhere to go. He had just choked me and yelled and intimidated me. He was grinning afterwards knowing that he had got me. My advice is don't let him into your head.Good luck and if there's anything else I can help you with please re post and I will try my best xx
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female
reader, kazzie +, writes (17 October 2017):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for giving your opinions on my problem. I have read them all and digested them, they all are so very sensible.I would like to respond to WiseOwlE and answer the questions he raised, good relevant questions I may say, I am kind and very supportive of him, he says this himself too, that he is lucky, I do not take him for granted, but he does me, everything is always my fault, even the other day when he forgot to take his meds on time, he screamed at me, I am an independent woman, working full time, not clingy at all, and I rarely complain about anything, he on the other hand moans and complains about everything under sun, family/friends/neighbours/work etc, I take care of myself, keeping myself trim, hair nice and make up done, and wear nice clothes, people do comment on how I look and even hubby says I am a head turner, but I don't see it, I do laugh at his jokes, he is a funny guy with a good sense of humour, and he does defend me if he thinks somebody is upsetting me, now we get to the trust part, he trusts me implicitly, I have never cheated in all my 39 years of marriage to him, but I don't trust him, he broke that trust over the years by doing porn behind my back, getting caught in a lap dancing club and trying to proposition one of the dancers to take part in a sexual encounter, which she declined I am pleased to say, he said it was all just a joke on a boys night out and boys will be boys won't they? and in the bedroom, well that is just a disaster, he takes charge of that, it is when he decides, he will never let me initiate it, has to take Viagra as he cannot maintain an erection, I think that is caused by porn, he is more used to his hand, and then blames me for being too big down there, I even went to the doctor to ask if I was "normal" of course I was, he very rarely can finish, which is not a shock considering what he has done to his brain, but then makes all the excuses under the sun as to why he failed to come again. He has never openly discussed his addiction to porn, only been forced to have to say a few words about it when caught several times. He is very good in the home and keeps it well maintained, and will help with the chores minimally. I think if I had known he was addicted to porn before I married him at the age of 18 I would have changed my mind, we have been married now for 39 years, and it was only 10 years ago that I discovered the truth. The female on Instagram who I am concerned about who is posting these provocative photo's is a so called friend, I did wonder if I should have a word with her, I haven't so far, as I do not want to look like a mad jealous woman.I used to love technology but not anymore, not with the instant access available and pocket porn on the go as in mobile phones etc, I know I can't stop him, he is an adult, but I certainly do like it.I think I will pick a time when I feel that I can chat to him and hopefully get through to him,as to how it makes me feel, how would he like it if I were commenting on hot guys, I know the answer to that he would go ballistic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2017): What he's doing is disrespectful and hurtful to you. Unfortunately it's true that he will do it behind your back. He's addicted to porn and now he's taking the next step by contacting women who are willing to post provocative pics for his viewing pleasure. That he comments on them is just rubbing salt into your wound. It's possible, in my view, he will end up cheating on you.
You have to make a decision how much longer you can take his sleazy actions. Counselling may help if he wants to change. I wouldn't be able to stay with my partner if this was his behavior. It's a big fat turn off!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2017): Digital devices are addictive. Social media is addictive. So you can't stop him from using his devices. He's an adult.
Adding female-friends and contacts who share provocative poses, revealing clothing; and cheering them on when you are a married-man? That's internet-infidelity via flirting, and a psychological-form of cheating. The exchange of pics are their subtle way of seduction; while the titillating images are provided for his sexual-entertainment and arousal. A little R-rated pleasure, as you might say. It's not that serious, but it's the principle. He's married! That makes it disrespectful to you, and your marriage. It upsets you!
Your husband is likely to continue his contact and follow-up behind your back. He already knows you disapprove; but his addiction to both his smart-phone/digital devices and the cyber-pleasures he receives, are not likely to be given-up. He'll hide and delete them. He's a grown-man, and you can't tell him what to do with his phone.
Internet-infidelity is a growing trend, and there really isn't much you can do about it. People figure it's better than cheating physically; but it seems to have the same bad effect on the person being cheated on.
You should calmly address the issue and tell him how it makes you feel. You might even tell him that you are contemplating going to marital-counseling; because you're not sure of how much you're able to take of it. You should also tell him how it makes you feel that he would do it behind your back before he would stop doing it. Be direct about that.
I think you have to assess your marriage overall. You have to look at the quality and strength of your partnership as a whole. Is it good? Is he normally trustworthy and reliable? Is he loving and affectionate? Kind and protective of you?
Are you kind to him? Have you neglected him by taking him for granted? Are you stingy in the bedroom? Are you clingy and whiny, and always complaining? Do you fix yourself up and look pretty for him? Do you compliment how handsome he is? Do you still find his jokes funny? Does he defend you when he thinks you're under attack? Do you trust each other?
We tend to be quick to react to the ill-effects caused by what our partners do to us. We also have to remind ourselves of the things we say and do to them. Little things add-up!
We also have to look in introspect/retrospect of why they feel it necessary to hurt the marriage? That is, if it's a sound and happy one. Not saying it's all your fault; but it's not all his either.
If you know things are pretty good; but this is just some irritating little hobby, simply tell him that you're keeping an eye on him. Inform him if things get out of hand, or you find evidence he's messing around; you'll consider seeking legal counsel, and figure things out from there.
If he has a history of cheating and womanizing; then you need little more evidence to figure-out what your husband is up to. Then it's up to you to decide how much more you're going to take before you do something about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2017): He is greedy and selfish and yes, in the wrong on all counts.
He won't change. He won't stop.
It's up to you now whether you will continue to stay married to him and enable/tolerate this behaviour or leave him and let him do as he pleases as a single man.
He needs to know that unacceptable behaviour comes at a price and there are consequences.
The only way he will know this is if you leave him. And mean it.
This lady flaunting herself is a dime a dozen. Any guy can lay her it looks like.
She is a problem but not THE problem.
Your husband is.
You tell him how you feel and what you expect him to do from this point forward. And tell him you will leave for good if he doesn't stop. And stick to your guns. If you go back, he will think you are weak and continue the cycle.
To be honest, if that was me, I would have been gone long ago. Guys like this never change. They need therapy to fix whatever is broken inside them. Your love and devotion will never be enough.
Your husband appears bored and seeking new adventures and an ego boost. Are you going to allow him to treat you this way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2017): Ugh this is why I HATE porn culture that really increased since the internet widespread availability. Men are now tuned in to that wavelength ALL the time in a way I do not believe they would be if porn wasn't available everywhere (not saying they wouldn't have fantasies, but not to that extent...)I might be old fashioned but I still believe it is extremely disrespectful to comment on other women's pictures like that. Not just comment- but he is also seeking them out by signing up for instagram and friending those women. I also believe it is completely disrespectful to do porn when in a relationship. But some would disagree with me. I would suggest counselling with hubby if he will go.He probably won't really change though. If they think it is okay and they cross that line and comment on other female's pics in that way I think that is almost an addiction too (as well as the porn). I would seriously have a talk with a counselor with or without him and consider whether you can live life like this, or if you have to separate and try to find one of the rare good men who still have old-fashioned values.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2017): I think that one of the hardest lessons to learn is that you cannot control the way that other people behave. Even your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend. IF they are behaving in a way that upsets you, then the only available course of action that is open to you is to do as you have done and that is to talk to them.IF they choose to carry on with the same behaviour as your husband has done, then what else can you do? Absolutely nothing other than to decide to stay with him and put up with it or leave.Personally the first option of staying would not be something I could entertain. Not only because his behaviour would hurt me to the core, but because by him continuing with his secret, sordid sexual betrayal, it would show me that I am no longer important to him.And that would be me gone.What you decide is obviously up to you, but the facts are obviously the same. He's doing something you don't like (and rightly so in my opinion) but you can't change that. You will send yourself crazy trying. He will carry on doing whatever he wants and just lie to you. This is an addiction also by the sound of it and one that can be indulged in secretly and easily thanks to modern technology. So sorry that this is your situation. I imagine it's the reality for so many people now.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 October 2017):
 Even if you tell him to delete it I either:
1. Doubt he will do it
2. Do it to please you then set up another account
I really don't think anything you say to him will get through to him. So you either put up with it or walk away. Leaving comments like that on other females pictures is extremely disrespectful to you.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 October 2017):
 It appears that he is being unfaithful to you in all but deed. He is certainly disrespectful. You have to read him the riot act. Last chance. Tell him tidy up his act or he loses you. This is a one time offer.
His behaviour is outrageous!
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