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female
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*ettyboop_uk2002
writes: I don't think I love my husband any more. We have great financial stress, which I seem to take more on board than him. He is 32yrs and I am 19yrs. We have been married for 2 yrs. He can't hold a job down, and doesn't seem to care. All the money stress is upon me, even though he is the one in debt. I am the one supporting us at the moment or whenever he hits rock bottom, ignoring parking fines etc..We dont have enough money for the rent for next month. I have confronted him with the problem, he says he is trying and is stressed himself, then takes his anger out on the apartment smashing and kicking in doors etc, which is scaring me. I have also questioned how faithful he is to me, which has been a problem in the past, as he texts other women... What should I do???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I'm going to answer this even though it's 2 years old - I'm sure there are plenty of people who will find it like I did and I hope to be of some help.
First of all, let me say something about this type of behavior. I married a man with the same age difference as you two have at 18. It's been 8 years of marriage now and we have been through the ringer. So, remember, I may say some things you might not like but I am speaking from experience.
A man who marries a woman under twenty when he is in his late twenties or older is acting on one of two impulses: the need to take care of someone or the need to be a kid again. Men with a sense of responsibility marry out of the need to take care of someone, men without responsibility marry out of the desire to be a kid again.
I married the second type and it looks like you did too. There are going to be a lot of hard experiences like this in your marriage so you need to clearly define your roles now so things will be easier.
First, get through this pressing financial issue without ending your marriage. Then, as soon as you see the other side, talk to him about one issue at a time. Speak logically and calmly and don't get mad or cry. It's frustrating to men - it just makes them feel more guilty. Get to the point quickly and then wait for him to get defensive. Let him be defensive and don't react.
Your goal is to get him to agree to defined roles (We both meet the rent, I do the dishes, you do the laundry, etc) After you've defined who does what, drop it. If he said he would do it, never do it again. It's a passive sort of discipline. Don't put it in writing. Just get him to say it once. For example: "No really, I can't make the rent by myself. I need you to tell me you'll help me" "Fine, I'll make half the rent" that's it. If he doesn't make half the rent, he'll have to suffer the consequences of not meeting his obligations. Let the laundry sour and mold if he doesn't clean it. Make him buy new dishes if he won't wash the ones he dirties. Just get him to say he'll do something and don't worry about it.
That's it. It works for us and 8 years later, he's getting into the habit of being a man and not a little boy. It takes guts and consistency but it takes the stress off of you as long as you are doing what you agree to, you know you're not in the wrong. Then, if you still have an issue with disrespectful or just-plain-wrong behavior, you'll have the clarity of mind to tackle it properly.
HTH!
A
reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (22 August 2005):
People think they have financial stress, but most people who say this don't know what it is to worry if they can afford to have a place to live next month, so I have sympathy for both of you. This kind of stress can make a relationship stronger as both people depend on each other more, or run it into hell. Your husband failing to care isn't helping, and going aggro on your apartment is worse. He might not do well with his kind of burden, but it's not an excuse to kick back and complain or go into rages. From what you wrote, he doesn't beat you or anything so I don't believe he's dangerous, just hurting now. He sounds like he's being a baby and doesn't want help on his end, and maybe just needs something dramatic to shock him into awareness. If you still love him, you should move out for a few days and see what happens, because you deserve better than this. If you don't love him, though, just leave and don't come back.
"This, too, shall pass away."
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (22 August 2005):
 What shoudl you do? Pack your bags, tell him bye and leave. Go back home hun...I am sure your parents would welcome you with open arms. He should be more responsible than this. I mean kicking in doors..gee that helps the finances alot! Why are you taking on his problems at 19? Girl...call this a lesson learned and find your joy again.
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