A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I found out 4 years ago my husband had a 6 year affair with a ex-girlfiend,we have been married for 29 years,i found out he sent money,gifts,she live in another state,when I confronted him about the imformation I had before me,he begin to cry and say he did not love her he was so lonely because I did not show him attention that he needed,he only use her to have someone to listen to him,i am still with him today,but I am so hurt,i can't let it go,i feel so bad about myself,and I feel betrayed,i believe if I had not found out,he still would be doing it today,he beg me not to leave him,and said he will do anything to make it up to me.i am so bitter,i can't seem to get pass that.was I wrong to stay? he admitted he went to visit her but said nothing happen.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 6 years...that's a long time. He had enough time to look at himself and think that whatever he's doing is wrong but he didn't. I would have felt the same way as you OP, I don't think I would have trusted him either.
Why are you staying with him? Its not easy to forgive and its even more difficult to forget. Dont punish yourself by being with him when you dont want to. Get hold of a good lawyer, file for divorce and make sure you kick him to the curb. Dont have any sympathy for him. "Didn't love her" my ass. What the hell was he doing for so long then? And what's his sorry excuse? That you didnt give him attention? You know, the more I think about this, the angrier I get!
Your post is not just your story OP, its the story of MOST women who are cheated on. Its the same lame excuse all over again..."I was lonely, you didn't give me attention, she made me feel special, blah blah.." My foot. Dont give him any sympathy and dont believe a word he says. Just be done with him and make him pay. Make sure you get all that you should because the other woman has had a gala time with all the gifts and goodies. Dont you let him go scot-free. Make him pay in a way that he'll never forget.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): If it's your fault he had to cheat on you, why didn't he just divorce you? If you are miserable with the knowledge your husband had a 6-year affair, why are you still there? Do you have a logical answer for any of this? How can you stand having him around you?
Now for some tough love; because I have to go there. This is for your own good.
You indicated in your post that your husband claims he was lonely and you showed him no attention. Excuse the hell out of me, but you don't step outside your marriage to do your thing on the side; and keep the source of your unhappiness around. If you love your wife and respect your vows, your energies are directed at saving what you have. Not sneaking off to find it somewhere else. That affair was all about his dick. Plain and simple.
I always look at both sides. Why weren't you being attentive to your husband? How were you keeping life in your marriage? Were you just drifting along like driftwood on the river? People need affection and intimacy in a marriage. Not just someone who is attached by paper. You knew there was a problem in the marriage. No way you wouldn't notice there was something odd about him for as long as 6 years; unless you paid him little to no attention at all. Neither of you cared what the other was thinking or feeling; and neither of you acknowledged your marriage was at risk. You lived in denial, and he chose to be a sneaking scumbag. Now he's sorry? BULL!!! He's only sorry he got caught!
Get a good divorce attorney. Split it down the middle, and kick him to the curb. Why is he so willing to make it work now, after he screwed another woman for six years? Where was his conscience and love for you all that time? Why weren't you important enough for him to talk to you, tell you what he needed; and through all this love he claims, find a way to be faithful to you? He is a liar and a cheat and you need to get the strength to throw him out. A marriage counselor will not give you back six years stolen from you; and you have lived far too long in denial. It's time that you faced the truth. His affair lasted a quarter of your marriage! Who do you think is hurting the most right now? You, or him?
If counseling gets you through this. It will not erase the memories. Forgiveness is not forgiveness, unless it is given 100%, and you put all hard feelings behind you. If you can't forgive 100%, start looking for a good attorney.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 September 2014):
 29 years is a very long time to be married. If you aren't happy though it means nothing. I couldn't stand to stay married to a man who cheated on me for 6 years and then tried to blame me for it. I think I could possibly forgive, but forget? Nope. And trust?? I wouldn't have any left for the man.
What is it that you want? Thats what is important now. What is going to make you happy? Do you want to try to work things out? Or do you want to move on and make the most of the rest of your life? No one can answer that except for you. Life is short darling...don't be unhappy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2014):
 So he cheated on you and THEN blamed you for it? That is pretty low and pretty "classic" cheater attitude.
You know he COULD have talked to you instead of cheating. He COULD have tried to WORK on the marriage instead of cheating.... Instead he CHOSE to cheat, and when found out.. it's ALL your fault (according to him).
So,, my question to you is, WHAT do you want? I get that you tried the whole forgive and move on, but did you two really resolve anything? He is still seeing her (but claims nothing happened) so where does that leave the marriage?
Seems to me that 1. he WOULD have kept on seeing her (and in a way he still is) if he hadn't been found out, so the ONLY regret he has.. is being FOUND OUT.
2. YOU need to forgive yourself for thinking this is all YOUR fault. Because it's not. He MIGHT have found it EASIER to cheat because he wanted attention, but you know what? If he was NOT getting what he needed from you, you could have either divorced you THEN or talked to you. INSTEAD he choose to cheat. How is cheating fixing anything?
I think it all comes down to what YOU want.
One thing I'd like to mention too, people say forgiveness is easy, it's not. Because there are several layers to it, just like that are layers to betrayal. It takes time, and it takes effort. And every time you think of what HE did, you will think of what you "should" have done or should have known and THAT makes it 10 times harder to find that forgiveness.
Were you wrong to stay? ONLY you can know. I'd say if you had 23 good years then you had some rather solid foundation to work on, but that doesn't erase 6 YEARS of betrayal.
Maybe you need to consider a marriage counselor, either private or through your church (if you belong to one).
But for now, YOU need to figure out, WHAT you want and what you need and focus on that. NOT what HE wants.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (5 September 2014):
 6 years is a long time for it to be going on behind your back, that i am sure is part of what hurts also the amount of time he invested in the other woman. i would suggest have him get a STD test. if he is welling to do what ever it takes to stay with you, even if he did suggest nothing happened. i would suggest marriage counseling because something is broken in the relationship. make sure he has broken off all contact with the other woman. trust is a hard thing to get back, he will have to prove it over and over to you. the bitterness is understandable it is an open wound that needs healing, and you will need a third party to help. that is were a marriage counseling or a pastor of your church would come in as help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): For me, cheating is so disrespectful. One of those things that will make me discourage and leave is womanizing.I can just imagine how you feel. However forgiveness is a must. He is your husband. You made a vow in front of the Lord that you will stick together, for better or worst, in sickness and in health.It is your decision to stay or leave.If i am in your position, i will leave. I can forgive him but i will never forget what he had done.To me he will always have a special attachment to that girl. Its like an addiction he will crave.But if your goal in life is to have a strong family ties. If you have children with him and you cant live life without him, then fight for your husband. Do what your heart tells you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): Firstly I am so sorry for the way you are feeling and have been treated. Unfortunately your husband took the cowards way of dealing with the issues he had - like a baby needing nursing. I do believe honesty is the best policy so I will be direct. Whilst it is possible to continue with a marriage after an affair it is sometimes a great deal harder to live with it all and do that than leaving and starting again. In your shoes I would plan, and quickly, to do the latter i.e. be on your own. Obviously it is something you need to weigh up. A six year affair is not a mistaken, drunken, one night stand which, whilst devastating, could be worked through. He was running two relationships at the same time for years and as such has soiled and destroyed all the memories you created together during that time. The betrayal is huge. At the moment you are raw but it is essential that you remove yourself from your husband or actually better still that he moves out. Secure yourself financially first and foremost - put money into a separate account and get some legal advice. Even if you don't file for divorce immediately it is essential you know where you stand. He would not have told you about this affair and saying that you did not give him attention or affection is weak, at best. In time, as your own strength and sense of esteem grows and you start to see the light again, you will realise that there is a whole new world without him and potentially with a wonderful man who respects you and loves you. Give yourself time and most importantly space without him. If he respects you he will move out. He has no right to call the shots.
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