A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please don’t reiterate how stupid I was to not see the signs, not know the obvious - I did see some signs, some uneasy feelings, but I chose to ignore them. I was able to find an excuse for everything.And now I can’t get out.We met two years ago online — immediately this was different - actual conversations all day, sending pics of our kids (he has a 4 year old, I have a toddler and older child), funny memes, sexual memes , everything. He would text me in the morning, at night, all hours of the day. The chemistry was undeniable - when we meet we can’t stop touching each other, kissing each other. He’s called me his dream woman, I’m amazing, he’s never done things to other people that he’s done to me (sexually)etc etc. After we met up last week I noticed he had on his work pants (he wears a uniform to work) and I thought that was weird because he works nights and it was night so he was obviously off. I didn’t question it but we spent the entire night together (we have never used protection and he came in me as usual). I couldn’t get over the pants thing though, so the next day I texted him “do you have a secret wife or something?”. He took hours to answer - it was then that I knew because he always answers me right away. He admitted that yes he was married and he didn’t know how to tell me, he was selfish but he couldn’t “let go off the chemistry and the connection we have” and he’s so sorry etc etc. I blew up of course, cursed him out. I told him I don’t know what to do anymore, he asks me “how much do I want him because I still have him and he still wants me, he can’t get over me.”how can he possibly have a wife when he is in communication with me all day? He works nights and watches his daughter during the day and send me pics of them all the time. He texts me he can’t wait to see me, misses me all hours of the day? I asked him how does he manage to do it, he says “I find a way”. Why would he continue to have unprotected sex with me when there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy when he has a wife? Why is he telling me we would made cute kids when he has a wife? how can he possibly love his wife when he is telling me all of this?! This isn’t only a sexual affair, it’s emotional. We have made countless tapes etc together. If I were his wife I would be absolutely devastated if I ever saw any of the texts, the tapes. It would seem like my husband has a whole other “relationship” with a woman, not just a fling.This is more than just, “it happened once or twice, it was a mistake”.And in some way, I don’t care about the feelings of his wife, she doesn’t seem real to me, just a faceless person who I hate.I know I need to leave but it’s so hard. How did any of you manage to leave after going through something like this?(sorry for any typos, grammatical errors...)
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affair, kissing, married man, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2022): He'll tell you anything to get your knickers off. Simple. And it works! You've swallowed everything he's told you and you've given him sex. Reality check. He is married. Was married for two years before he had to come clean, because you had a moment of clarity. Just how does all this make you special? Leading you on with a load of lies? Using you? Taking you for a sap? Because that is what he is doing. I KNOW that it FEELS as if it's all real. These men are very good at MAKING it all feel real. Because if it didn't feel real, you wouldn't put out would you?Are you starting to wake up and smell the coffee yet? Are you starting to feel angry? Because if you think about all you have told us in the cold light of day without trying to put a reality spin on it, then you SHOULD start to feel angry.You don't want to have your lack of insight pointed out to you. Well, fair enough. We've all been there, or been taken in by someone at some point, or failed to see signs etc etc. But NOW is the time for you to start to see the signs that you are STILL failing to see. Because if you don't, then you will have to live with someone who failed to see what was happening again and again. And that takes some coming back from.Learn from this. Realise that unless a man is backing up what he is saying with actions, not lies and sex, then he is a player and out for what he can get. Been there and done that. I KNOW how real it can feel. BUT it's not. He's with his wife and God knows who else. Give your self-esteem a boost and take control of this situation. And learn how to never fall for a load of nothing but sweet talk again. Good luck.
A
female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (9 June 2022):
Of course you can leave - you just don't want to.
But you know you can't stay in a relationship with someone who has lied consistently and persistently for 2 whole years.
Now, I've never had an affair with a married man but I have experienced having to leave someone I was hopelessly in love with because it became clear to me that I was just being used for sex - no matter how much the guys protested that they were genuinely into me (yes, this has happened to me more than once).
And it was incredibly painful both times... I was a total mess for months but I knew that staying was ultimately going to be more painful than leaving and that I couldn't even start healing until they were totally out of my life.
I cried, I swore, I wrote furious letters that I never sent, I spent hours wallowing in bed, I indulged in some maladaptive coping strategies that I won't describe here, I cried on my friends shoulders, I sought counselling, I took time off work.
But, slowly, slowly, I started to feel better. I got over them. You can too if you put your mind to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): I met a woman who fell for something similar to this. The guy did tell her that he was married - no way he could have hidden it as she met him and his wife together on the first meet.
They meet at a social do. He then gave her a lift home and it started.He had a lot of charm, witty, intelligent, charisma, but he was always lying. He told her that he wanted to leave and be with her and would when - and explained he could in about two years. She waited and of course two years later he had some other reason he could not leave and so on.
But when the two years were up she said to him - if you are lying to me or messing me around or using me or taking advantage of me in some way, and will end up going back on your promise for any reason, I will keep all of your letters, birthday and christmas cards and send them to a national newspaper (he was a well known guy and it would have ruined his career and marriage). Amazingly he continued to send her letters and cards full of words of love! Perhaps he did not believe her or perhaps he really thought he would end up leaving and it did not matter.
Eventually years later she was sick of it all and ended it and all of the letters and cards were sold to a freelance journalist.
Remember that when a guy strings you along its for fun, excitement and sex, all for his sake not yours. You can easily get a single guy who gives you so much more.
If he really cared about you he would be concerned of what is best for you, not just taking all of the time. Love is about wanting to make someone happy not just wanting to meet up and have sex with them. Remember too that if this carries on for another year he will have had a terrific year with two women and you will have been the one who had a crap year where you don't even have one man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): Unprotected sex was dumb. He lied to you and used you and sweet talked into being his sexy play thing. His wife works to pay for things and he enjoys having two women there for him. Great. Of course he tells you what you want and need to hear to keep that going. He is like many selfish immature men who want their cake and eat it. Now don't be dumb again by listening to it, believing it or falling for it. He pretends you are some sort of love affair when really it is free sex as far as he is concerned.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 June 2022):
 Oh dear God. OF COURSE he is going to tell you how fabulous you are. OF COURSE he is going to tell you how special you are. OF COURSE he is going to make out there is nobody else as fantastic as you, that he has never done the things with anyone else he does with you. How else would he get you to buy into his lies and stay with him? Words are cheap. ANYONE can tell you how fantastic you are to get what they want from you. Heck, I'LL come and tell you how fabulous you are if I can get something worthwhile in exchange.
Every cheater convinces their prey they are "special", that what they have with them is, in some way, better than they have had with anyone else - especially the poor wife, who is oblivious to what is going on and working her backside off to keep the family together. The problem is, you are too in lust to see the truth, that he is playing you, telling you what you need and want to hear, reeling you into his little fantasy. He is a clever manipulator. That is how men like him get away with treating women like he does.
How do you leave? Here's a suggestion: tell his wife about your "relationship" with her husband, the father of her child. As soon as she knows, you will be dumped like a hot potato, "special connection" or not, then that will save you having to make a decision.
If what he tells you is true (there is absolutely no way of telling whether ANYTHING he has told you is true), then it sounds like he is supposed to be looking after his child while his wife works full time to keep a roof over everyone's heads. including his. If he is messaging you all the time, then his attention is obviously not on his child so, as well as being a crap husband, he is a useless father.
I hope for your sake you are not pregnant. Having unprotected sex with someone you know next to nothing about is the height of irresponsibility. I also hope you haven't caught anything else from him. Who knows who else he has been telling how special they are.
You are an adult. You can do anything you choose. You can CHOOSE to stay with him or walk away. However, remember there is always a price to pay for every choice you make. Think long and hard whether the prize in question is worth the possible pain further down the line.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2022):
 How were you silly?
You didn't KNOW he was married! But in all seriousness, unprotected sex? You already have 2 kids! You don't live with the guy and have been seeing him for 2 years. Unprotected sex is NOT a smart thing unless you are PLANNING to have a child. THAT I find silly or stupid. But, it is your life.
What would I do in your shoes? MAKE 100% sure any sexy pics of you, tapes of the two of you having sex, are DELETED and/or DESTROYED ASAP. I'd do it BEFORE you end it with him.
Next thing? STI test. The whole panel. There are a few like HVP that you can't test for but can cause cancer so yeah, THAT would suck to get.
You ask how he can love his wife. Well, HE is still MARRIED to her. He goes home to HER. He might be a little bored at home and thus having an affair made it more fun. Sure, he can be emotionally attached to you, but if he had to CHOOSE between you and her, HE would probably pick her. YOU (the side chick) can easily be replaced. Maybe you are not the first woman he has cheated on his wife with.
How do you leave? Well, that IS the EASIER part. BUT I would REALLY make DAMNED sure that pics and videos (on his end) are deleted. YOU do now want to find out in a few months that he has sold them to pornhub or whatever pornsite because getting them taken down is NOT easy. And while revenge porn is illegal, there are plenty of sites who don't give a single "phuck".
So, First order of business is - GET the homemade porn and pics OUT of his hands.
Secondly, Tell him you can not be a sidepiece. IT isn't fair to you OR your kids (if they have been introduced to him) and it's definitely NOT fair on his wife and kid either. THAT means it's over, after that NO contact. I would also tell him if he TRIES to contact you, YOU will contact his wife. It's good bagaining tool to keep him away from you.
HE has NOTHING (except his dick) to offer you. And EVEN his dick isn't yours- you SHARE that with his wife. Makes you gag, doesn't it? He can't commit to you. Because he is already commited to his wife! He can't be faithful to you, Because he is already married to his wife and they PROBABLY have sex too - which he would probably deny, but let's face it, this man isn't an honest guy... is he?!
He is lying to you, to keep the sex coming.
He is lying to his wife, to keep being able to fuck around with you and whoever else. Because you are not so "special" that you are the only woman who fell for his bullshit. He is so slick, that he WAITED 2 years to come clean. If THAT doesn't show you how little he respects and loves you, I don't know what to say. Who would keep a wife secret? A scummy piece of shit.
Now that you KNOW he is married you should do the right thing. Not because "society" dictates it, but because you are SCREWING over yourself, your kids, and an innocent woman.
PUT yourself in his wife's shoes. HOW would you feel?
You know what to do, but it's easier to continue because YOU get something out of this. For now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): You need to start LOVING YOURSELF and PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST.
I know that you may think that, since you don't give a damn about his wife, that you are putting yourself first - wrong! You're not. You're putting HIM first. He gets to have his cake and eat it too.
I was in love with a guy who was married. His second marriage. His wife tollerated his behavior, hoping that he would stay with her, since she had cared for his twins from his previous union. She knew about me, but in her eyes I was too young to be a real threat. And she was right! I never dreamed about marrying him. I loved him and I just wanted to spend as much time with his as possible. I too was putting him first, because, you see, when someone's married, his needs and obligations always come (in handy) first. It's just the way it is.
One day, something happened INSIDE me. I looked at myself and wondered WTH I was doing with him?! So the next time I saw him, I told him I still loved him (which was true) but that this is where we end. Loving someone has nothing to do with being in a relationship. You can love someone who is not good for you and NOT be with him because of that. He was NOT good for me, even though I know that he did love me and that he had fantasized about us being together. It was not real. I cut off all contact with him. And it was easy. That's one of teh really good things about affairs. It's easy to pretend they never happened, because people don't know about them.
Years later, I learned that he dumped his wife for another wealtheir woman who could support his lifestyle and his children. But the really bad thing was thet he went back and forth between these two women always justifying his decisions as "sacerfices". He was emotionally blackmailing them to have his way. The funny thing is, when I actually bumped into him when I was with my family on a holiday (what are the odds, I know...), he looked so dissatisfied. And then it struck me. It's him. It has always been him. He was the best version of himself with me, but that was just an act. In reality he was selfish.
Put yourself first.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 June 2022):
 I am not going to tell you how silly you were, or that you should have seen the signs, what is done is done, after all we can't unscramble scrambled eggs can we.
What I will say is that as soon as you found out he was married that was the moment you should of left him and plucked up the courage to walk away.
He is a married man than will never leave his wife for you, married men invariable never do. He wants his cake and eat it, spinning you yarns, lies, and leaving you with false hope than one day he will be with you.
You will be waiting for ever, always being that women on the side, the mistress only seeing him on selected occasions when he can slither away like the snake he is.
He has not really thought this through very well, he has kind of left himself wide open. Not sure whether he is stupid or just not care but there are essentially tapes of him out there being unfaithful which would quite frankly have him banged to rights.
I ask you this, if you did end up with him do you think that you would be able to trust him?. If he can cheat on his wife, a lady that he swore vows to, I assure you that when he gets bored with you he will be doing the same to you.
My advice would be to get out now, you are not stuck with him, you are not in a situation that you can't get out of.
He is a cheat, a liar, and no good will come of staying with him I assure you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): Use the anger to your advantage. Consider how you were deceived, and how he is the kind of man who would cheat on his wife without guilt; and manipulate your feelings so he can use you for nothing more than recreational sex behind his wife's back.
Before, you didn't know any better. Now you do!
It's not a matter of choice anymore. You know the whole thing was something he created for his own pleasure and benefit. You've been scammed, and the longer you remain in the situation the more complicit you are in cheating on a woman who hasn't done anything to you. The woman happens to be the mother of that child you see in the photos he sends you.
Come on now, don't give us that excuse that you can't let-go. You don't want to, and the whole thing is nothing but an internet scam for a man's sexual-pleasures; and you're just a victim of his scam. Now that you know and refuse to end it, the arrangement you're in has become nothing more than an affair; and you're the biggest loser in the game. He has a wife and marriage he can return to when he is finished having fun with you as his secret playmate. He doesn't use protection, and you have no idea how many others he has been with, or may still have sex with from time to time.
People always make some excuse for themselves about not being able to stop doing something they know is wrong. Then suit yourself, and stay in it. You have no idea what kind of woman his wife is, and you have no idea what she could be capable of. Do you watch the news? Have you seen how crazy people are these days??? You're not dealing with a forgiving world; people can be vicious and dangerous. She may show you just how real she is!
Like I said, you're the loser. When he tires of you, and the novelty has worn-off, he's off to his next online scam. You're having unprotected-sex with a liar and a cheat. Best you go get yourself checked for STD infection. How about herpes and all the other disgusting sexually-transmitted diseases you could have been exposed to? You met this man on the internet!!! You didn't know he was married, and you don't know if he's bisexual or whom he messes around with when he's not with you or his wife. You don't know how many sexual partners he could be fooling around with without protection, while he's with you!
Fine! Don't let go. You have no idea who you could be clinging to; or what he might give you that you can't give back! It's not even real, it's an online sex-scheme; and you've been played. You're not his mistress, you're a randomly selected victim of an online sex-scheme; and you've convinced yourself it's some kind of love-affair. You know better.
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