A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, I’ll try keep this brief. I know I will probably (quite rightly) get a lot of stick for this but as I can’t really share with anyone I thought this would be as safe as anywhere as there may be people who have been in my situation. Last June my H (together for 20y since being teens) did the last thing I ever expected and left me for another woman. We have 3 kids age 4-10. He was unhappy but never vocalised in a serious way. I stuck by him because he had issues other than just me. We remained close and v friendly, yes we continued to be intimate despite him still being with the OW. He said he would never not want to be friends and ‘never say never’ in terms of us and whether eventually he would try and win me back. He moved out in Sept. Early Feb he went into an intensive 2 week therapy. A month or so before this I’d been speaking to a guy at work (a MM) on a Teams call who id known for 2 years and we used to speak about our kids etc - we got on well but were strictly work acquaintances (although I found out later he had always found me attractive). Anyway, I was having a down day re my separation and I told him, despite only 2 others at work knowing (We work for a massive company). I must have trusted him. He was supportive and offered to talk anytime even though we didn’t know each other that well. A few weeks later, we exchanged personal numbers and from that evening for the next 3 weeks we messaged throughout the day then constantly at night (from 9/10pm until 2/3am). My H noticed I was online and saw my messages pop up and that I was smiling at my phone. At this point it was purely innocent chat. H got angry that I would find now to ‘replace him’ when he was going through such a tough time with therapy and that I deserted him when he needed me. Note he’d asked for space during this time which I gave to him and I asked every few days how he was and told him I was there. He warned me that what I was doing with the constant messaging was bordering on an affair and that it would develop so to be careful. I denied this as I truly believed it wouldn’t. The late nights turned more into 11/12 but not a night went by where we wouldn’t chat in the eve even if either of us was out, or we’d chat after. We also met up just for coffee/a walk/ meal once a week. Mid March I had a work event me and this MM were attending (I wasn’t supposed to be going but he helped me get an invite). Chat up to then acknowledged we could get ourselves into trouble esp if drunk and we couldn’t make it obvious to colleagues we were such good friends. We met beforehand but staggered arrivals to the hotel, we’d planned for him to come back to my room for drinks/snacks after which when you say it out loud it was obvious, but not at the time. Anyway, as you’d guess, we had a great night spending some time together in the event but without being obvious then we went back to my room and of course one thing led to another. Over the next couple of weeks we continued to meet and the intimacy continued. We even booked time off work to spend the day together. He then said we couldn’t let the physical side continue. He didn’t want to stop meeting and messaging because he genuinely enjoys our time together and we make each other laugh so much. We’ve shared many personal and intimate details neither of us have shared before. And either of us have ever done anything like this - he maintains if his friends have ever cheated on their partners he’s given them hell for it. But he now sees it’s not black and white. At first we both denied it was an affair. Then we realised it was and we were just in denial. Things had just progressed and we had not realised until we were quite far in. I didn’t/haven’t suggested we take it further or that he should leave his family. I couldn’t be the OW that was responsible for the breakdown of a family like the OW in my situation with my H. My H maintains I already am that woman but way worse, because I’m the scum of the earth and has stooped so low no other woman would do what I have. The reason for this is there’s an added complication that I’ll get backlash for - his wife is/was pregnant with their second child. She’s actually just given birth in the last day. Anyway, we continued to manage meeting up once a week and our nightly messages have continued without fail. There’s not been a time since Jan/Feb we’ve had longer than an hour or 2 without a message. We managed to keep the meets without anything physical. However our messaging has continued to be very flirty/sexual and even conversation in person. In the last few weeks/month or so we even got into full on sexting I’m ashamed to say. In the last 2 weeks we then saw each other 4 times. And despite having approx 6 weeks without any physical intimacy, on the last occasion we broke that and we were intimate. His wife was only a week away from birth so he then couldn’t get out. This last week the messages have not had the sexual content because he says he realised how close it is to ‘you know what’ (we don’t talk about his wife or the pregnancy). His messages were less frequent yesterday so I figured something and yest eve I get a message to say I can’t message as much over the next 24h. I’ve literally just heard from him asking how I am. As a result of my H finding out parts about what’s happened with me and the MM my H has said he hates me, could happily never see me again and we are now not even amicable. I know what I’ve done is so unbelievably morally wrong but I’m struggling so much. I have such strong feelings for him and all my happy times over the last 6 months (other than with my kids) have been with him. We have such a strong connection and this is despite me thinking I would never be able to trust another man again. I’m confident and truly myself around the MM and we seem to know each other inside out. He’s said he realises we will go through some uncertainty initially but we still want to meet up the same and be just as close. But somehow we will have to try and get it back to the ‘friend’ zone even though we haven’t been in this since January. Being honest I know what we’ve been doing has been an affair all along - emotional/physical. But if we haven’t been able to stop so far or even acknowledge what it is, can we going forward? I cannot think of anything worse than cutting him out and he feels the same. I get I shouldn’t be having a pity party right now in the circumstances but I just feel so unbelievably down. Im not looking for sympathy because I don’t deserve but I’m sure others have been in a similar situation. sorry it’s so long, trust me this is the brief version!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (9 June 2022):
 I'm not going to kick you while you are down, that is not what we are here to do here at DC, we are only here to offer sound advice.
Your husband of many years left you for another woman, he was to weak to voice how he really felt. I feel that if he had not have run off with someone else none of this mess you are in would have happened. Also after what your husband has done he certainly has no right to comment on your life and what you do.
Ok you have made some bad decisions, who hasen't. Firstly i don't think that you should have got involved with someone you work so closely with. And secondly I don't think that you should have got involved with someone who's partner was about to go into labour and has a wife and young family.
Ok you have made these decisions and you have done it, we can't change the past, but we can change the present and the future.
I think that you now need to do the right thing and finish this relationship with this guy and let him be there for his young family. I know it will be hard, but I feel you need to do this sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the harder it will get, and things could get seriously messy.
You know in your heart of heart's that this is what you need to do, your life, and his life will be broken and in tatters if you continue seeing him.
Then obtain some legal advice and see where you stand on getting a divorce from your husband.
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