A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some major help here. I have been with my husband since I was 13 and married for 15 years. I analyze why because I love him but never felt what I should. I had a rough childchood and clung to him. He is great but we are so different and I tried to end things in our early 20's but I felt so bad because he was devasted and I hated hurting him. I soon got pregnant and decided no matter what I would never get divorced and give my children the life I never had. I have had tough times in my marriage due to having pretty much all responsibilities dumped on kebabs I have lost respect for my husband. However, the kids are the most important thing so I try to get by and make everyone else happy. Here is the problem. I met my soul matt who is also married with kids. He is everything I have searched for and trust me I know the saying the grass is greener but I have an attraction for him that have never had for anyone else. I am very attractive with a great job so I have had many men come ontoe which I have always rejected but this is different. I have known him for two years and I wasn't sure if at first he felt the same as me until now. We are in communication constantly but I am not sure what type of relationship he wants from me. He has in acround about way asked me to wait for him and if it were meant to be it would be. We have never been phyical. He may just be filling a lonely void in his life by talking or he may want more. If there weren't kids involved I would be with him but I want to do the right thing. I know it is wrong to cheat and I am not even sure that this man would cheat. I would really like to end up with him in the future and be happy. I also know that I will ruin everbodys lives right now If i were to separate and I am a very responsible person and just couldn't hurt people. My options are to stay and wait until kids are grown or have a fb that is going to turn into a partner in life someday. Thus way nobody gets hurt and I get a little piece of somebody I love until I can have more. What would you do?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): I think you have known for a long time that you are in the wrong marriage. You got together with the guy who became your husband out of insecurity (wrong reason to get married). Then you wanted out more than 10 years ago but just stayed because you were too afraid to hurt him (wrong reason to stay married). Then you stayed because of the kids....and by the way why did you even have kids with him if you had already wanted to leave him?.... it is no wonder that your marriage is lifeless and you "try to get by and make everyone else happy." Your whole life has been about doing the responsible thing even though it is really not what you want. If you had married for the right reasons and stayed married for the right reasons, then doing the responsible thing would be a joy not a soul-draining experience.
Why are you still married? Isn't resentment and unhappiness and bitterness building up inside you?? Are you waiting to explode one day? Do you want to wake up one day and wonder why everyone else around you is truly happy and fulfilled whereas you feel so empty? You will feel cheated.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about your future together. Decide right now that you will no longer live your life in a state of chronic unhappiness. But he deserves to know how unhappy you are. Probably he is too. When you are always unhappy for a long time unending, you are not functioning properly mentally, this will spill over to affect your children because you don't have the same level of energy, motivation or joy in their activities as "normal" parents who have mentally and emotionally healthy homes do (whether because they have great marriages or are simply just not un-happy in life in general)
As for the new guy:
"..I am not sure what type of relationship he wants from me. He has in a round about way asked me to wait for him and if it were meant to be it would be. "
OK a couple of things. First, why not be open and direct with him instead of trying to guess at what he's thinking? You don't know what type of relationship he wants, so why not just ask him? You may or may not want to believe his answers, but at least you will have something to base decisions on rather than mind-reading.
Also, "if it were meant to be it would be"...um...and just how is anything concrete supposed to happen without conscious thought or conscious decision-making?? This is the attitude for when you have done everything in your power to influence a situation and now the outcome is out of your hands. For example if you've applied for a job, gone to the interview, followed up with thank-you notes, pulled whatever strings you could get pulled, whatever...now the result is out of your hands so you can tell yourself "if it's meant to be it will be"...
but if there is ever to be a realistic chance of you and this new guy getting together, the first HUGE life changing event that must happen is both of you must be divorced. And marriages don't just end by themselves due to the winds of fate (except by the death of one party). Ending a marriage requires a LOT of conscious decisions and conscious actions to be taken by at least one party. how is a new relationship supposed to just "happen" on its own without conscious action on the part of both people to get together?
It sounds to me like he is not ready to leave his marriage anytime soon but is trying to keep you around as a backup plan for whenever he is ready to leave, whenever that may be but who knows at this point...This is a precarious situation because this can lead to YEARS of "waiting" under false hopes only to then be disappointed. This can lead to a wasted life. If you spend years 'waiting' for him, that is time wasted that could have been better spent either committing a hundred percent to your marriage to make it more fulfilling, or leaving your husband and finding another man who is available and starting a new real relationship.
The option of waiting until the kids are grown before pursuing a real relationship with this guy. Well if you are going to do that you and him need to be on the same page so that you don't wait another 10 years only to find that he has changed his mind about you by then.
However, I personally think that once someone has for sure made a decision to leave their marriage, they owe it to their spouse to inform them and do so immediately so as to not waste anymore of their spouse's time. If you know you for sure intend to leave your husband, then he deserves the right to be free to find his soul mate too. By keeping him around, in the dark, for another 10 years or however long til your kids are grown, I think this is being very deceitful to him. You will know all this time you are looking forward to the day you will finally leave him to be with your other guy. He has no clue about your planning behind his back. Furthermore, by spending the next 10 years counting down the time when you can finally be with your other guy, you will naturally not be emotionally invested in your marriage, which will hurt your husband.
You could, however, tell him right now that you want to leave him and then both of you can make a joint decision whether to divorce now or wait until the kids are grown. But staying together til the kids are grown should be a joint decision, not just your unilateral secret decision.
A
female
reader, sarahlynn  +, writes (9 December 2010):
 I know how this feels, really. The best thing to do, though, honestly, is that since you have made a comittment to your husband and he has made a comittment to his wife,is to think about what would be different with this man? How would you feel if you were his wife? She is probably completely trusting and unassuming! ouch! Are you sure about the way you feel or are you just afraid to be alone and now you found somebody to jump into the next boat? This is definately not the time to make snap decisions and screw up, because you children's happiness is in your hands(which you already know). Remember, you have not been alone since you were 13, so maybe it would be best for you to take a break by yourself? This is what I did about 8 months ago, and I feel stronger, more resilient, but luckily, I was never married, just had 3 kids in an abusive relationship for 5 years. You don't need to be with somebody to make you happy. Have you tried marriage counseling? This alone can make a change in your relationship and you could fall in love all over again. And what is more, the love will be stronger. You will look back and say, "man, that was rough, but it sure was worth it" and give your kids a real jewel example to hold in high regard for sure. For better or for worse, remember? I really hopes this helps, but had it not been for my strong-willed family, I would never have had such a strong view of the institution of marriage.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Your kids are not better off seeing their mom settle for a loveless marriage. Is that what you would want them to do? If your feeling for your husband are truly gone and there's no way to fix anything than you should leave FOR your children. But I don't advise you to start a relationship with re new man untill you are fully divorced and settled into your new life with out your husband. You will have more self respect. And your child will be less likely to resent you and your new guy. Also don't start anything unless he's fully divorce and settle into his new life also.
...............................
|
