A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 44 years old, have been married for 20 years, and have two children. A boy 14, and a 5 year old daughter. My relationship with my wife has been "ok" up until about 7 years ago. We went to counseling (had to fight her tooth and nail to make her go), but nothing changed. She is a 'sweeper', meaning she sweeps everything under the rug hoping it will go away, and makes things very stressful. I, admittedly dont like confrontations either, so the last few years have been the silent treatment. She refuses to budget, and we are over $250K in debt including the mortgage. I have sold everything dear to me in order to try and pay off bills (my drums, guitars, motorcycle, die cast collection, etc), but she just runs them back up! We havent had sex since October of 2008, which really isnt the main issue, since our intimate relationship has always been less than stellar. We are now in a financial position that if either one of us lost our job, and had no income for more than 15 days, we would be unable to pay any bills. We LITERALLY live paycheck to paycheck! My kids are miserable because I am a total grouch when Im home, I stay at work as long as I can (to get more hours, and to stay away from my wife) I love my kids more than anything in the world, but Im afraid Im hurting them worse by staying in this horrible marriage. Problem is, we literally cant afford to split up! I cant afford my own place, and she cant afford the house we're in without my paycheck. I dont hate my wife. I still care for her, but Im not in love with her anymore. I know that people change, and things change, but I am truly miserable, and although my wife sweeps it under the rug, I know she's miserable too. She is a great mom (to a point), but we have polar opposite views on everything to do with the kids.(discipline, snacking, bedtime, etc, etc, etc) I realize that I took the same vows every married couple takes, but does anyone else see the validity of things changing over time? I feel that staying 'for the kids' is a copout, and Im probably doing more harm than good to expose them to this sour relationship and distorted view of what married life is.
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at work, debt, divorce, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): You're not alone. I am in almost thr exact same situation. I've been to mediation and have seen a lawyer and te bottom line is I just cannot afford to support myself and her and the kids separately. She work 3 part time jobs @ about $9.25 an hr. She makes about $800 a month. She cashes the checks and pockets the money and does not contribute to the bills or the debt. I have to pay everything. she won't even show me her paystubs. She's got me trapped and she knows it. We have a small house and we just coexist.
I know this doesn't help your situation buy unjust want you to know you're not alone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm thinking about getting the divorce, then, depending on what happens, maybe filing for bankruptcy if I just cant get caught up. I will be behind on payments after the first month. Im hoping we can get a 'no-fault' divorce in this case under irreconcileable differences. Ive decided to just tell her that I am not in love with her anymore, and deal with what comes of it. Ive asked my 14 year old son "what if..." and he knows Im unhappy. I would rather be a good dad who sees him twice a week than be a grouchy and disconnected dad every day of his childhood. I appreciate all the advice on this.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (9 December 2010):
Here dude this is what I used:
http://www.divorcewriter.com/
it’s a good program and the courts had no problem accepting it. You both have to agree to the divorce or it want work. You can do this without a lawyer and it fast. You can take your time to complete it. My Ex and I didn’t want a messy divorce so we talk it out. Dude it’s the best way to go, she wanted out and I was held my breath until it was granted. I give her extra so she want come back. I have three kids and the program work everything out. Keep living as you are but both of you will feel a relief once this is over.
You need to forget about sex or being intimate with someone that just doesn’t see you in that way. Who cares what you knew or didn’t know upfront…this is over.
My neighbor, he divorce his wife five years ago and never move out. They get along great now and happier as it looks to everyone. They still refer to each other as husband and wife probably because of the link of time they was married. Dude it’s hard and I know. I was married for 17 plus years and it took some adjusting to get used to it. You need to do this for your own piece of mind. My ex is beautiful and always has been, but has a serious mean streak. Your kids will be happier if you were apart.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/livingtogetherafter.htm
http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/10/14/divorce-separation-living-together-under-one-roof/
These are websites that I google, because of the economy more people are starting to do this and it a tremendous savings. No child support or alimony until one of you moves out. You get to be with your kids as well. If you looking for a way to stay with her than…
I have a four bedroom house so it was much better for me and we did it for two years and we got alone great. Only problem we had is the person that I am dating. My ex didn’t want me too. So I put it on hold until she moved out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Your financial situation makes it clear that divorce is not an option. But staying in the marriage is clearly painful and destructive to your kids' (and your own!) wellbeing. I say the separate lives tactic would be the way to go here... many people nowadays live successfully with "open marriages". This is very disheartening to me; I've always believed in the utter upholdin of vows, but it seems the blow of reality is too much to ignore sometimes... If there really is no way to save your marriage that you can see, and you've no more strength to fight for your tie, you must at least move to fight for your children and yourself. Consider how your kids would be affected by the different choices at hand now... which would best secure your being a healthy, happy family. Fight for function.
-Tante Victoire
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female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (9 December 2010):
 What a bunch of crock whoever told you sex is not required for a true and spiritual marriage! We're living on earth, not the afterlife! I have found at least one website that disagrees, thank God. Keep trying to find a Catholic authority that will plead your case, or if you're just done and want to throw in the towel, then just let the marriage go. At this point, one of you needs to move out, since you're the one who wants to do it, then prolly you'll have to move out, prolly leave the kids with her and reestablish yourself.... for a while you may need to live in a really cheap place maybe even room with someone new, either way SOMETHING needs to be done, cause you sure sound like you're just stagnating the way you are. Don't be afraid of drastic changes. They are definitely necessary. Don't be afraid. A lot of people are going through crazy changes right now, even with just the horrible state of this economy, and relationships ending. You're not alone in your darkness right now, the only thing you need to remember is you need to take some sort of action to keep living a real life, in which you have the energy to keep giving love, to yourself, to your kids, to people around you, etc. That's the most important thing in life :) Not just a fluffy phrase, but absolutely true, and its only when circumstances get dire we realize this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I had an idea to seek someone experienced in Catholicism to find out some details. Unfortunately, it backfired, because they told us that marital sex is 'ok', it certainly isnt required for a true and spiritual marriage. He said that true intimacy doesnt have to involve sex at all.
As Ive said, it isnt really about sex. We have nothing in common. Its awkward when we're alone together, like we're forced to be there, you know?
As for the "roomate" theory, I think that would completely disorientate the kids, and even though they're young, they're not stupid. They are aware that we dont get along, and dont even like going places with both of us. Not because we fight, we have NEVER fought or even argued when they're around. Its just that awkward, silence between her and I. I just wondered if anyone else has had this problem of not being able to financially split. I dont even have anyone I could move in with since we're fairly new here. Any advice?
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female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (7 December 2010):
Did you know about this attitude with sex when you married her? Is there no way that you can have couple counseling at the Catholic church? Get a Catholic "authority figure" to tell her its ok to have sex. People like her are raised to not think for themselves and accept what authorities tell them, so maybe try to get a religious authority to assure her its ok to have sex....
http://www.epigee.org/guide/catholicism.html
Here show her this maybe... if nothing works, then yeah, totally get a divorce, what she is doing is beyond ridiculous...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Unfortunately, we cant sell this house, because, due to the horrible real estate market now, the house is worth about $40k less than what we owe.
About our intimate life; no she does NOT like sex. She was raised a very strict Catholic, and beleives that sex is to be used to have children. Years ago, she agreed to it, but only to make me happy. Hmmm. It didnt because I knew she wasnt enjoying it, so I gave up on that.
She and I used to have "date night" once a month, but all she wanted to talk about was the kids or bills. Its difficult to say I even know her anymore because we NEVER talk about each other. She IS a very sweet person, but Im sure she doesnt have the same feelings for me she used to. She's just accepted the fact, and is willing to live out her life like this, and I cant imagine doing it. I believe that our children come first, and I believe their well-being is threatened.
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (7 December 2010):
 You need to find a way to get a divorce. Im 17. I lived with my mom and dad constantly fighting. It was horrible. And they took it out on me which im sure you guys at some point. Maybe no divorce but seperate. Date others. Maybe that will ease the tension. Something has to be done. You children are just as miserable as you. Make an arrangemnt. Split the rent and bills. HER DEBT IS BRING YOU DOWN. Sign a contract or something where you both pay certain things and at the time when payment is due if she doesnt have it then she needs to find another place to live. Im sorry if this seems harsh. If it was just affecting u then it would be different. But your children are missing out on stuff. They deserve to be somewhat spoiled not lacking stuff because of there mother. If she wont change you are going to need to make change. GOOD LUCK!
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (7 December 2010):
You two needs to be roomamtes and end the marriage. you can still live under the same roof, but maintain seperates lives. Once you're out of debt you two go your own way:
http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/ your first step to freedom.
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female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (7 December 2010):
staying for the kids in my opinion is not a good thing, but are you sure there is nothing else that can be done for your marriage? whenever I hear people say their love life is nonexistent in a marriage, I think "What gives?" I mean, everyone likes sex, right? I hope you do realize that family is more important than money... people say that, but its really true, and in times like our economy it really hits home and tests us to see which of us can live up to the principle of putting love before money... sounds to me like a case of a typical american family too bogged down in the material pressures of life to enjoy the beauty that surrounds them and the love they have for each other... you need to spend more time together, NOT LESS... but to do that you need to get to a point to where you don't have to be at work to pay so many bills, so what about selling the house and moving into something smaller to begin with? What about bills that you do not need? can you get rid of some "luxury" bills?
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