A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles: It seems like I need encouragement. I wish it were something my folks could give me.I have been in a stable and loving relationship with my boyfriend for over 4 years. I am in my mid-twenties now and he is in his thirties. He has a master’s degree and a decent paying job. I have my bachelors’ degree and recently quit my full time job to move to another state to live with him. In preparation, I have saved up 10k with the intention of moving out of my parent’s house. They have been good parents to me, but don’t think I can cope with potential unemployment in this economy. They offer no clear encouragement to my new journey in life, and that leaves me feeling like everything is going to be a disaster. They are conservative and affluent people. I am respectful of their views but am fairly liberal. I have possessions but they do not govern me, and I spend my money carefully because I know I am not entitled to my parent’s affluence. My folks expect me to have employment lined up immediately after my move. They also desire a ring on my finger promptly as “proof” of my boyfriend’s unwavering commitment. These are stressful topics. I understand finding a job may be difficult. That’s why I saved up my money: in anticipation of this much needed life change. I’ll also be actively looking for a job. In regards to my relationship, I have to say this: it’s time for me to move forward. And I have no qualms about living with my boyfriend to see if we are compatible on a 24-hour basis as a screening for marriage. He had been begging me to move in with him for a while now, and told him once I saved money I would. So here I am. Moving. Doing what in my heart feels right, but crushed because parents are convinced I can’t make it out there. “The country is collapsing!” “Live with us for a few more years!” “Don’t quit your retail job no matter what because you’ll be broke, but don’t be afraid to do things with your life!”…. Did I mention they think that everything is going to Hell in a hand basket with the world? Oh dear. My boyfriend has already offered to help support us if I cannot pull my weight money-wise. I hate the feeling of imbalance, so I hope this doesn’t happen. I am moving out of love for my boyfriend, to whom I see a bright future, and out of a desire to “make my own way”.What I guess I’m asking for is your encouragement: your stories of risk and success, your tips and tricks to saving money….anything really. I’d appreciate it. Why am I asking this community for support? Because I value the life experiences of you folks here, who actively engage in the emotional needs of others. Please share.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 May 2013):
Dear OP,
I can only agree with the other agony aunts that this sounds well planned. Moving somewhere else is a big change, for sure, but you got savings, you'll stay in the US and you go with someone you know for 4 years and who would support you.
Maybe your parents are just afraid to let you go. You moving out is a big change for them, too, and maybe they imagined it would happen some years later. They are probably worried about you, no matter if it's rational. They are your parents and they've been looking after you their whole life. Still, you're like a bird who needs to make his attempts to fly and get out of the nest. You're grown up. It's very natural.
Don't underestimate that you'll need time to get accustomed to the new area and ask your boyfriend for moral support. There will probably be moments when you miss your parents and your hometown, your friends and your old job. There might be moments when you are frustrated and think it was a mistake. Don't let this bring you down and know that it takes about 6 months to really feel at home in a new place. At least that's what somebody told me who's working as a diplomat and is travelling a lot.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (24 May 2013):
Don't worry, you are doing everything right. You are prepared financially. You are ready to apply for jobs. Both you and your boyfriend want to move in together. He is prepared to help you out if you can't get a job. You have been together for a good amount of time. And it doesn't sound like you are giving up your dream job in order to go join him.
As for your parents, it's pretty normal that they feel this way. They want to be the ones that support you. They know that they will always be there for you, but they don't know about your bf. They are probably wondering what will happen if things don't work out between you, or you can't find a job there, etc. etc. Which is why they want a job to be lined up immediately and for a ring that shows a bit more commitment. They want to make sure you will be taken care of, now that they won't be there to take care of you. Don't worry too much about what they are saying. I don't think they're saying it to stress you out. They're just expressing their love and care and worry for you.
One bit of advice is to discuss things with your bf before you move there, about what you both see living together will be like. Talk about the sharing of the chores, and expectations about cleaning up/general cleanliness. Because it is something that becomes a huge deal and can cause a lot of fights because it isn't something that you deal with much when just dating. So things like, "how often would we want to clean the bathroom" and "do we leave dirty dishes in the sink and for how long" etc. etc. Because if one person is a slob and the other one a clean freak, it causes problems when dirty clothes and dishes are left everywhere by the slob and driving the clean freak crazy. Also, finances can be a big topic of contention. Do you split all the bills equally down the middle? Or based on how much each of you makes? Do you take turns when you go out to eat? Or does the guy pay for those? Or go dutch? Finances were definitely an issue for my then-boyfriend-now-husband when we moved in together, until we solved it by getting a joint account. You sound very prepared about all the other aspects of moving in with him, just want to give you a bit of a heads up on this aspect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): CindyCares made a great point. My mother and I moved when she was on her 40s and I was a kid to the US to escape the impending war back home. She had only 10,000 as well. Neither of us spoke English, or had a job or a home. It was a hard, but a Master's degree later for me and a college education for her, and both having successful lives. I think you can make it. I am younger than you by a couple of years, and I am sure you can make it. Just make sure you are RATIONALLY following your desires, not that it is a whim to make him happy. Sure, you are happy too, but things change once you move together. You will be far away from friends and family. I think you should do it as a learning experience, but certainly do not burn all bridges with your family,in case you want to come back. Living with someone is harder than it seems, sure love is there, but being with someone 24/7 is different. If you do not find job soon, you will feel like a housewife (I assume you will clean or cook for him) and you will start to get frustrated. I would suggest some literature on Amazon about moving together, there are some useful books with tips.Try to get organized, and divide chores, and tackle a plan for finances that you both agree on so that you do not have issues on the long run. Always keep your own checking accounts, and maybe make one together for household expenses.I wish you thtr best of luck in the job market!!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 Ok, you want encouragement and I will encourage, I promise :)
First ,though ,let me tell you where I think your parents' attitude is coming from , beside their conservative mindset, and (reasonable ) worries about the economy.
You do not sound like a great risk taker. Still living at home at mid 20s. BA then full time retail job. Nothing wrong with that, excellent ! in fact. But, you don't mention having a particular goal or plan for what you want to do " when you grow up ", you did not go for further education, or travel, or try your hand at different stuff before. Basically, you are moving- to follow a man.
I bet he's a good man, and yet- you are only moving to make HIS dream come true, and make HIS life easier - not yours ( in fact, you might be facing unemployement and drying up all your savings and, if the relationship, that ,after 4 years , is still unofficial, goes belly up, then you are up the creek without a paddle , in another state ). You are not putting yourself first. You may say , yes instead, I am !, I am doing exactly that because I WANT to live with my guy. Which makes perfect sense for a woman in love - but it's a logic that said woman's parents cannot, perhaps should not ,follow.
That was not very encouraging :) , so now the encouraging part : you'll be fine. You are preparing yourself to this change with prudence and rationality, it's not like you are running away to join the circus. I don't know how much 10000 would last you, since I don't know the cost of living there where you are going ,and your spending habits, but let's say that if you have savings to get by somehow for 6 months , that's all you can ask from yourself at your age and stage, it gives you ample time to look around, and if you can't find a decent job ( if not your ideal job ) in 6 months, then it's more a matter of having real bad luck that of not having sought well or planned well, after all you have educations , qualifications and work experience. Plus, if your job should not materialize at the right moment, your bf is willing and able to provide for you financially, and there's nothing to feel bad about that, or nothing unfeminist. IF you have to end up married, ... that's also what marriage is about, supporting each other when needed , including ECONOMICALLY . You are leaving for him a comfy secure financial situation, I am sure he is prepared to step up to the plate if necessary, and there's nothing embarassing or uncomfortable in that, it's just normal.
As for living together without a committment, well, tbh part of old fashioned me wants to say : guy in his 30s, financially settled, 4 years together, ... what is he dragging his feet for ? But I do realize that , if he's not there yet, then he's not there yet and no point in pressuring; and having a general dress rehearsal of how your married life would be can in fact be very smart and useful, you never REALLY know how a person is and how compatible you are until you live under the same roof.
Finally, you are just moving to another State, not another continent, you won't have problems of language barrier, culture clash, social isolation, etc... as many many people your age all over the world face , and overcome, when they move to other countries to pursue job opportunities not available in their countries.
All in all, it's not a rush decision, it has been planned wisely, it's not irreversible, and it's not too "crazy " : you'll be totally fine. Look forward optimistically to the upcoming changes and good luck !
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