A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:We are all damaged in some way or another. My boyfriend has suffered some tragedy in his life. He lost his father early on. His mother has abandoned him on several occasions. He has some social awkwardness issues and has very few close friends and me. I do all I can to show him what love is, through speech and action. He has changed and started to show little moments of love himself, but he seems so bewildered by it (both when he gives it on rare occasions and when he receives it). I just wonder how long (if ever) he will come to love more openly. He's just so very closed off that it breaks my heart for him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Thank you for the update… sometimes it’s hard to post help without it… I think based on your age you’ve posted other things too?? Age gaps are hard too… and I’ve been an age gaper on both sides.. I seem to prefer the younger men however not sure why…. You guys have the same gap we do in the same direction… I do not know that at 37 I could have been with my partner because at 24 I am sure he was much less settled than he is now…
Sounds to me like he has had more life (read relationship) experience at 24 than my guy has at 38. For therapy issues many agencies have sliding scales such as Associated Catholic Charities or Associated Jewish Charities and they cannot discriminate because of religion if they take federal funds so check with them to see what options you have.
We are in couples counseling (mostly to learn to communicate with each other more than anything and while I THOUGHT it was not helping, I CAN see small changes even in a short period of time) I strongly suggest getting therapy as soon as possible.
Would sharing via email/written word work better than verbal? Our house uses notes and lists a lot to get things worked out… we even have a running list of house rules that include respecting each other’s needs and differing views… (i.e. last night we added NO POLITICS ARE DISCUSSED as our list… we just sit too far apart on what we think for us to come to any sort of an agreement so we agree to disagree and NOT discuss it)….
I also sit with my legs and arms crossed a lot and it annoys the BF and he will physically uncross my arms if we are sitting on the couch together and point out to me that I’m doing it. It irks me but I sense that he needs me to be more open and warm and welcoming for him… he’s a bigger cuddle bug than I am and I have to learn to respect that for him. He needs that physical touch.
My guy is VERY ticklish and I have to be very FIRM in my touch with him… sometimes I forget and it gets comical. So talk to your guy and find out if you can do some ‘touching exercises”…. Like
“may I touch your cheek” “yes” then you touch him softly, then more firmly and find out which kind of touch he prefers… and do that with all his body parts (NOT sexually that’s for a later time)… this is about trust and what he needs and desires…. Btw then he does the same thing back to you… set aside some time EVERY DAY for non-sexual touch exercises to learn to be closer to each other.
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (7 December 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Your answers give me such hope! We've been together a year. He's 24, I'm almost 37. He's had SEVERAL relationships in the past but I am the first one he has fully committed to. He tells me I am very different from all the other girls he's ever been with. I am the first one he has truly felt he could be himself with. He said that he feels he has changed during this year together. He needs therapy ($$$ is an issue), but so do I (I've got someone in mind once his insurance kicks in and he IS kind of interested in it).
As for being closed off, he wants me to share when I'm upset or whatever else I'm thinking all the time, but he rarely says anything about his own feelings (even when I ask him directly--he says "I just don't know" when really his brain is going full-speed all the time). He also keeps his arms crossed often (more a self-security issue than defensive position) and physical affection (just basic touching, holding hands, touching his face, etc) has been an issue as well (until very recently he actually seemed to flinch at my touch, but he is also very tactilly sensitive). Hope this extra information helps.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I suspect that it "breaks you heart for YOU"... as well....
Be patient and be a good friend and G/F.... and see if he does, indeed, learn to experience and express love... for you and others.....
Good luck.... you sound like a good G/F....
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Interesting and refreshing post doll. Has he tried counseling? I have some barriers myself with women and for good reason however in his case I feel its different. Perhaps he's closed off because he is scared to lose you through death? I dont think you can teach someone.. its either in their heart to love or not. If they feel pressured to be someone they are unwilling to be i e a loving person it could backfire into resentment and cause a big stir of emotions. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 He will take forever to heal, and I'm talking 10, 20years if not longer... He will only be able to do this with loving people around, people who will never leave, people he can always trust.
Counselling is needed desperately. But it can be done, as you can see, but very, very slowly. If he's the same age as you, it's very hard to change. He hasn't learnt about love and trust, he's like a new born baby who has yet to grow.
Sorry babes, he's lucky to have you, all you can do, is what you are doing, what your giving is worth more than gold to him. (~Get him used to back/neck rubs, especially when he's bewildered because he's done something hard. It's the same technique that's used on babies to calm them down and tell them they are safe and everything is alright)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2011):
I think you can to some extent. I’m very broken. My boyfriend even more broken than I; but together we are slightly less broken. He is about your age (and I am a bit older) and we are in therapy working on similar issues. His father died young, his mother was useless and abandoned him after she abused him…. He has NO friends really…
We are together just over a year and some days I wonder if it’s worth it but then I know this man loves me so purely I can’t just give up on him.
I have some questions. How long are you together? How old is he? Is this his first serious relationship? (My boyfriend at 38 has had one serious high school gf and one adult relationship so not many)
You say he’s closed off, what exactly do you mean can you give us examples?
Is he in therapy? What about couples therapy… we go to couples therapy mostly for communication issues… and it’s helping a bit.
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