A
female
age
41-50,
*uddys
writes:My boyfriend and I were together for a year and just split up recently. I am in my late twenties; ten years younger than him. In the beginning, he pursued me strongly. I wanted to start slow. When we were together, we were great and got along better than any relationship I’ve ever been in. All our friends and both our families thought we were meant to be. Behind closed doors, it was the same: all happiness. He was so sensitive and responsive to my needs, and I to his. After three months, I really started to fall for him. That’s when our relationship began to change. He started telling me that, when we were together, he was very happy, but when he was alone, he’d analyze our relationship and come to the conclusion he wasn’t happy, and that we weren’t right for each other. I never saw this coming. To me, this appeared like a severe case of commitment-phobia. Now that he had me, he was pushing me away. I also found out that his parents had met and married within 6 months, and that’s how he saw true love happening for him. After a lot of talking, I convinced him that they were very lucky, but most relationships took more work than that. We stayed together, but ended up having pretty much the same argument/discussion every other month, each time with him pulling away and me convincing him it that all relationships required some work now and again (marriage doesn’t happen for everyone over night). I know he wasn’t just acting when he said he loved me, did caring things, or was my shoulder to cry on. He would explain to me how deeply he could empathize with my problems, and how he felt the same coming from me for his problems. We both agree that we had very insightful conversations. And man could we make each other laugh! We really were two halves of a whole. But finally I had to let him walk away. I told him I was looking for someone. Although I was not yet ready to be married, I would only date some one who I could at least consider marriage material (and he was in my eyes). I asked him if he could at least consider that with us, but he outright said no. So I let him walk away for my sake too. I love him so much and want him back. I know that, if things stayed the same, we’d be broken up again sooner or later. I want to get him some help before our ship has sunk. I think he truly does love me, but is scared of making the wrong choice or losing his freedom, and so he has pushed me away. His parents have even relayed such information to me in private. How do I get him back and make our relationship the success it was meant to be?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Oh Sweetie, I really hope it works out. I agree with the first poster here, there's not a lot you can do, the ball's in his court now.
I really admire you for finding the strength to go out and go to your class as usual and chat to your friends, it must be very hard but you're doing the right thing by keeping going.
Sending you a huge hug, and do pop back and say how things go xx
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I feel I understand your feelings and your pain, and your desire to know right away whether you can be with him or not. Every day must be like a horrible weight to carry. Just take it one day at a time. If he comes your way, be happy; if he doesn't, don't push it. Just keep going. You were happy before he was in your life; you can be happy again. It's really a matter of trying, of wanting to be happy even if the circumstances don't turn out to be what we want.
I can see you're in a lot of pain. I'm sorry because I know how that feels. I wish I could cast a spell and make the pain go away.
You know where to find us if you need any more help.
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A
female
reader, buddys +, writes (25 January 2008):
buddys is verified as being by the original poster of the question last night's exercise class we talked, perhaps too much. I put on my best 'I'm okay' face, and he appeared happy too. I said 'so how have things been going? I haven't talked to you in a week and we used to talk every night.' He replied that it was because it was awkward and we should give it a few weeks first. I am in total agreement, but I guess I just wanted to say that first so he didn't think I was trying to cling to him or something. Then stupidly, I tell him I miss him, to which he just smiles (might have been a hurt smile, but I was too hurt by the lack of response to stay looking at him). So I asked him if he missed me too (stupid stupid stupid) and he said yes. After a couple minutes of casual chat, we parted. I left the lot ahead of him knowing I would likely cry the whole way home. When I was just about there, I noticed he was speeding behind me just to pass me with his car as I turned off. What's that about? I thought I was doing so well, even though it's only been a week. But what a setback a couple minutes of casual conversation was! I just want him to feel like he missed me too, and that he's just as miserable without me. I don't want to wait to find out if I can have him back. I just want things to be good again between us. :(
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 January 2008):
Buddys, it's hard for us to really know what is going on inside this man's head. If I were you, in love as you are, I would be inclined to give this message the meaning that he is still in love with you and wants to come back. At least, he might be having second thoughts about breaking up with you. But none of us can really know what he will do. He might come back for good; he might come back and then you'd be back to the on-again, off-again relationship; he might come back and leave you for good; or he might just come up with something as "creative" as "I had a moment of weakness but I made up my mind". You don't know where you stand with him, and, having been there, my best advice is that you talk straight to him and ask him what he really wants. He needs to give you solid ground to stand on. You don't need a man who is insecure about what he wants with you. And this, you need to know for sure.
I would hate it if he came back to you and said he doesn't want any commitment "at the moment". That moment could last forever.
Only you know how much you need him by your side and what your relationship has been like. So, you are the only person who can really make a decision. We just give you advice, sometimes on the basis of bad personal experiences, that may not be the most unbiased perspective. But, I would warn you to be careful with your heart. You don't need it broken.
Take care, and keep us posted if you feel you need to.
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A
female
reader, buddys +, writes (23 January 2008):
buddys is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:
He usually gives me a ride to our exercise class, with we both participate in together. But since we broke up, I went by myself to class. At class, he couldn't even look at me and never talked to me, even to say hi. I expected as much, but did my best to carry on talking to my friends as usual. I could see that he was really hurting because he wasn't talking to anyone, and he is normally a very social person. When I got home, I noticed that he had left me a message offering me a ride to class. I was shocked that he would make the effort. I called back, knowing he wouldn't answer, and left a brief message thanking him for his kindness and wishing him a good night. Is there a hidden meaning here? Or am I just holding on to something that still isn't there?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 January 2008):
I was so sorry to hear your story. It is a dream that turned into a nightmare. I am sure you're going through a lot of pain, and you really want this relationship to work. So, though I find it hard to say it, I think you should move on. I think you've done everything you possibly can. It is he who needs to make the final decision, but is unwilling to. There is no way you can change that.
From another point of view, he isn't giving you what you need, which is the commitment. I don't think there is a way for anyone to get someone to commit. You can force people to go one way or another, but you can't make them want you. What you need, dear poster, is someone who will want to be with you no matter what, and he isn't that man. You need him to mean that "yes, I do" that you want to hear.
I think you should at the very least stay away from him.
I know this will hurt like hell to you, and please be sure I have this in mind. You have come here to ask for advice, and this is the best advice I can give you, for you, not for anybody else's sake. In short, stay away from this man, since he won't give you what he should.
Take care. You know where to find us if you need more advice.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 You need to start from some point and being a friend without any expectations would be more appropriate at this moment.Ask him if you can be friends again? Just let it develop over time and do not rush it.
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A
female
reader, lynnb84  +, writes (23 January 2008):
they always say you have to let people go to find out if your meant to be. Chances are he'll come back on his own once he's realised how much he misses and still loves you. I'd let him know that you love him and want him back, but you're not gonna wait forever. If he doesn't come back to you then dont beg! Its hard but you'll have to try to move on.
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